Like ghosts of Christmas past, we’ve got queen-crazed TV spots and pornos from days of yore. Like ghosts of Christmas future, we dip into the internet pool of new media attention whores. So hunker down and roast some chestnuts on an open bonfire of fake eyelashes, fuzzy VHS tape and enough neuroses to last you for a dozen holidays!

What do your favorite porn stars want stuffed in their stockings? “12 inches” is a pretty straightforward answer, but we don’t know which is more disturbing: that Roman Heart’s idea of a gift from Santa is Immodium AD or that Erik Rhodes is wearing fake Hermès.

In this clip from spank-studio Man’s Hand Films, a very naughty “boy” gets bent over Santa’s knee and given the whacking of a lifetime. With classically atrocious porn-skit acting and audible “action” commands from the director, fetishizing childhood fears never seemed so retarded (or had so little reward).

There’s no relationship like a mom to her Christmas tree—especially a mom from Long Island. "Who wants Bailey's?"

No one works harder at being a fag hag than Janice Dickinson. But when your face is made of plastic, you’re thrice divorced and you’ve been axed off of Top Model for being a mean drunk, we can’t help but relate. Bonus: naked guys!

You know what? We don’t see the difference between RuPaul and Celine Dion, except that RuPaul’s voice is better and she knows how to keep it real. Find absolutely no sarcasm or irony in this video of Ru’s rendition of a holiday classic. We haven't had this much fun celebrating Christ since Sister Act 2. She better work!

“Christmas without Santa would leave a huge hole,” says Ace to Gary in their boner-mobile. “We need to fill that hole!” Need we go on?

Because when your cousins, cousins-of-cousins, and family friends-of-cousins send out those heinous photo greeting cards around the holidays, this is what they’re essentially doing and it needs to be rubbed in their mental little faces.

This vintage clip from Snowballing (Gentlemen’s Video) features a trio of 70’s hunks cruising one another on a mountainside, spliced with a skiing montage, to the Beach Boys’ “I Get Around.” Though not included here, they later retreat to a lodge and fuck to David Bowie! We wish we were making this up.

Christmas is never complete without asking Santa for some cha-cha heels and beating the living crap out of your parents on Christmas morning. With this scene, John Waters changed American tradition forever.

We were thinking of posting Celine Dion, Cyndi Lauper, or Cher, but we decided that Miss Piggy outshines all three. Not only is she such a diva that she’ll only sing tropical songs because they’re swimwear-ready, but the whole John Denver/Muppets holiday album is a great thing to play in order to turn your children gay. We know because we lived for it, and still do after all these years.

Okay, we’re just going to play this Cyndi Lauper jam anyway. Why? Because look at what Martha is doing! Rolling in the snow all bleary-eyed and angelic like a baby sleeping on a water lily. Who does she think she is? If you think your mother gets delusional around the holidays then feast your eyes on Martha.

See title.