The latest issue of grocery-stand tabloid GLOBE Magazine tells us of the "NEW AIDS SHOCKER IN BRANDO SON'S DEATH" referring to the demise of 49-year-old Christian Brando, son of the legendary actor (and occasional gay) Marlon Brando. In the text of the article, The Globe reports that a London report stated that Christian's pneumonia came as a result of his reported inability to come out of an "AIDS-linked coma". Now that's a lot of reporting! "Any doctor who read the initial medical report would understand that it indicated the death of an AIDS patient," added an internet posting. OMG, we like, SO believe that affirms another (this one). 

Meanwhile, Brando's mother, Anna Kashfi went on to explain to the publication that if he died from AIDS-related causes, he likely contracted the disease while getting raped by homosexual gangs in prison, not from infected needles as reported by another insider. "Even though he was drug troubled my boy was all man" Kashfi declared. Clearly, regardless of what his sexuality was, his mother would rather have him remembered a a drug-addled criminal and prison-rape victim than as a filthy homo like her rotten ex-husband.

GAY LIKELIHOOD: 4/10

In another neck of (West) Hollywood, our favorite citizen journalism venue, Hollywood PrivacyWatch, stealthily reported that infamously accused closeted boyfriends Lance Armstrong and Matthew McConaughey recently shared "an intimate man date at Cut" over a couple of steaks and a bottle of nice wine. Sure, they could have just been hanging out as normal straight-guy friends, talking about heterosexual things like, say, their pecs, their abs, their tans, which matching outfit to wear, or how each other's dicks taste... but we have a feeling they were actually there on a date and being totally gay for each other. GAY LIKELIHOOD: 10/10

Aaaand it all comes back full-circle to the Hiltons, who, seeming to have the gayest week ever, were in the news a second time, when Life & Style Magazine reported to us that Barron's big sis Paris stopped by "NYC hot spot Tenjune" on January 29th, where she proceeded to make out with her former House of Wax co-star Elisha Cuthbert "with tongue". We hadn't realized that there's a way to make out without tongue, but even if there were, we're pretty sure it goes without saying that Paris would've used hers anyway. While the lesbian action is less of a turn on, even when it does feature a real-life porn star like Hilton, we could totally picture these two getting into a kinky threeway with Chad Michael Murray in a movie trailer while the makeup and hair fags roll their eyes and wait outside. However, Paris Hilton, off blowjobs for good? Come on, this is America! GAY LIKELIHOOD: 1/10

So it seems, once again, Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong win in the "who's gayest" contest. When they decide to open up and let America face that their shirtless Southern leading man and Bicycle champion record-holder are more than just homeboys remains to be seen.