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The Academy Awards were three days ago and in internet-time we know that's a veritable eternity, but now that Joan Rivers has reared her synthetic, scowling head we've realized that we're still not over it. We hate to admit it, but we miss Joan and Melissa's red carpet coverage. Maybe we're assholes, but the way in which Joan Rivers would tell the stars they look beautiful and then criticize them the second their backs were turned was easier to relate to than, say, Ryan Seacrest's strange appropriation of a British accent when speaking "flirtatiously" with Keira Knightley. As predicted, our favorite bitter, snarky duo seems to have managed to set up shop and get a word in edgewise about Nicole Kidman's botoxed features. Although they chose AOL.com's StyleList as their venue of choice over L.A. Public Access, that is a dummy red-carpet they're sitting on, so it's fair for us to say that we called this one.
Remarkably, and perhaps due to her low-profile podcast and conspicuously shorter running time (clocking in at around 7 minutes, as opposed to the duo's former half-hour wrap-ups on E!), Joan is more disappointed in Hollywood than ever this year, seemingly spewing haterade at everyone from pregnant Jessica Alba (whom she compared to Barney the dinosaur) to Best Actress-winner Marion Cotillard, whom she responded to by screeching "Jean Paul Gaultier should be shot!"
Normally this dig at Jean Paul would cause us to turn on our cryptkeeper of the velvet ropes with pitchforks and flaming torches, but we can't help but marvel at how she also managed to echo some of the comments from our very own Oscar party: in reference to Heidi Klum ("What the hell was she doing there?"), John Travolta (citing that his hair looked like a "Chia Pet®"), and Tilda Swinton ("She looks just like David Bowie") in particular. Our favorite comment from the 7-minutes-in-Joan-and-Melissa-heaven hit when it came Ellen Page's turn at ridicule. Referring to her dumpy, black ensemble, Joan reasoned that "unlike her character in Juno, she ain't gonna score tonight." ZZZZZZZING!
Okay, okay: NOW we're over it.
RELATED:
Joan & Melissa Rivers' Oscar 2008 Red Carpet Rundown (StyleList)
Fashion Purgatory: Joan and Melissa Rivers Relegated to Podcasting Their Red Carpet Barbs (Defamer)
EARLIER:
What the End of the Writers' Strike Means for the Fagosphere;
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