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Playboy, Schnapps and Melrose Place Rip-Offs: The Sword Editors Recall 'My First Porno'
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Written by jay
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Friday, 14 March 2008 00:40 |
Our buddies over at QueerMeNow have started a monthly feature called a Blog Circle Jerk wherein the greatest minds of our generation at Fleshbot, Starrfucker, The Sword and a few other gay-porn- centric web concerns come together to respond to a single a question so that we, and all y'all, can compare answers for our mutual amusement. It's like writing a theme for school in 4th grade! The first installment, which was suggested by The Sword's own Michael Stabile: My First Porno.
Michael
The first porn clip I ever saw was on 60 Minutes and involved a woman being chased down the hall with a nail gun. Neither I nor Morely Safer was aroused.
It wasn't until I was 16 that I saw my first actual porno and, oddly, it had similarly snuffy overtones. It was based on Agatha Christie's Ten Little Indians and involved guests at a sex spa hotel being killed off, one by one-including two at once by an electrified double-edged dildo. It was camp, but it was also tiresome. I watched it one summer night in New Jersey with about 15 other co-workers at a party thrown by an older divorcee, Ginny, who served us drinks involving DeKuyper Razzmatazz Schnapps and vokda. No one whipped it out or anything-we just watched the film and joked around uncomfortably while adjusting our acid-washed jeans. At some point in the film, her teen son (yes, her teen son was watching with us) went to the bathroom for an extended period, and was widely mocked upon exit. He shrugged. The idea of someone other than me compulsively masturbating was incredibly hotter than the film and, after the last girl had been killed, or the tables turned on the villain, or whatever, who cares, I went home and masturbated.
Jay
It was the early days of cable and we had one of those old-timey cable boxes with the sliding channel changer, covering a whopping 40 channels which was the best you could get without a Volkswagon-sized satellite out back. The Playboy Channel was, I think, channel 22 and because my dad was lazy and unaware of the curious nature of a third-grader, he sometimes left the lock off the back of the box. It was a tiny brass padlock and one night when my grandmother was babysitting and watching TV downstairs (she didn't care for the libertine things I liked to watch, like Solid Gold, The Dukes of Hazzard and The Love Boat) I was in my parents' bedroom and there was the padlock, just lying there behind the beige box. I dialed the little slider over to 22, and Wham: the first pubes I'd ever seen. Over the next few months I watched things like Love Scenes and Emanuelle and the Erotic Nights and was probably forever scarred by a movie with a Three's Company theme in which one of the women, forced to suck off her male roommate when he got home from work just because he was horny, stood up and spat his cum back in his face. Because there was a penis involved, it turned me on. And because of the "tasteful" nature of soft-core porn, it wasn't for a few years thereafter that I figured out that intercourse wasn't just a guy rubbing his dick on the lady's pubes and that there was (gross!) actually a hole there bigger than a pee hole. Nonetheless I seemed to know more about sex, and gauzy-filtered titty showcases, than anyone else in the third grade.
It wasn't until I was 18 that I saw Power Tool starring Jeff Stryker and I finally figured out why guys liked smut so much. - Jay
Patrik
When I was in sixth grade-SORRY! I'm a late bloomer!-all-boys slumber parties were definitely the rage, and my friend would often have them at his house, which was sort of like a giant brick castle. Activities included running from his creepy dad who kept trying to "tickle torture" us (it gives me the heebie jeebies in retrospect), sneaking out of his house to spy on the neighbors, and turning the TV to scrambled porno channels where we would catch glimpses of occasional tits in hot tubs through the kaleidoscopic rainbow static. We were bored by HBO's "Real Sex" and wanted something better, with faker tits and more action. I was actually obsessed with fake boobs then and still find them amusing to this day although not quite in the same way. Semi-tragically, full access never materialized, although our generational fluency in the world wide web had us up to our ears in hardcore porn during our subsequent computer classes in junior high.
My first real gay porn, if memory serves was a skin flick called Santa Monica Place that my friend Ryan had. Based on Melrose Place, Santa Monica Place featured several blonde, tan, muscle hunks living in an apartment building together with an outdoor pool, and tried to play off the antics of Heather Locklear and Andrew Shue, etc. The movie was hot and everything, but I couldn't keep myself from fantasizing about how I wished so badly we were watching Amanda ruin Allison's life on Melrose instead, and how maybe if Michael had simply invited Kimberly into a three-way with Jane, maybe he and Jane wouldn't have gotten divorced (but it's okay because they sucked together). Believe it or not, I still prefer primetime soaps to porns. And besides, Jake was way hotter than all of those SMP dudes.
RELATED:
My First Porno: Sonny Markham in Workin It Out (QueerMeNow)
Blog Circle Jerk: My First Porno (QueerMeNow)
My First Porno (Kozmic Kastaway)
Evan and Paulie's First Pornos Ever (Gay Porn Talk)
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