We respect all the old 'perpetual bachelors' and proto-homos of yore who chose to keep their proclivities private; they had their reasons and who are we to judge. But it's the sheer amount of evidence that our mothers and grandmothers so willfully ignored that's truly baffling.

Below, our incredibly scientific scoring system.

Under 30 points: Barely Any Smoke...
30-35: Low Burn ("That's nonsense. He was in the army with your father.")
35-40: Smoldering Fire ("He's not that way ... he's too handsome.")
40-44: Steady Blaze ("Don't be mean. He's just artistic.")
45-49: High Flame ("I was too busy looking at the candelabra to notice, dear.")
50: My Eyes! My Eyes!