Erik Rhodes: February 8th, 1982 — June 14th, 2012

Erik Rhodes died one year ago today, but his twin brother says “it’s as if 6/14/2012 happened yesterday.”

Erik’s twin brother, Jon, writes this morning:

I never believed people when they would say that they have thought about a loved one every day since they lost them. But here I am, 1 year later since you have passed and I can honestly tell you there hasn’t been a day where I have not thought of you. A random memory, a song on my ipod, an article of clothes, a picture. my urges to share music and personal thoughts with someone who is actually interested, just the sense of loneliness and loss and wishing I had you to reach out to, Almost everything and anything sparks a thought of you. Sometimes I can laugh but for the most part I fight back tears. I still cant fully grasp the idea that the world has continued on without you. I swear sometimes I think you are just away on business in another state or country and I’ll be able to catch up with you as soon as you are home. Then reality sets in. Its as if 6/14/2012 happened yesterday. I often relive that day and the events that followed in my head. Each detail from the phone call that woke me up, to the songs I listened to on my ipod, the feeling of your cold lifeless hand, your blank stare looking back at me, the sound of frantic agony in my parents and sisters voices, the trail of emergency medical equipment wrappers that littered the stairs to your apartment, the number of 1.5 liter Poland spring bottle next to your blood-soaked bed, the feeling of an intense struggle that filled your apartment. Just complete grim detail to the worst day of my life. Then the days that followed – Identifying your body, picking out your casket and carrying you to the outside cremation service where I left you for the final time. Just things I couldn’t dream I’d have to do for you and  that I cant forget. I wish I could remember the better times as clear. But these memories seem to overshadow them all. And from that day forward I’ve been lost without you, I still feel like I have no direction and even though I have some family and few friends as a support system I feel alone. And as much as it’s a sad place to be, I truly believe I belong there. I don’t deserve to be happy, or smile or enjoy life the same way anymore. I still carry this heaviness in the pit of my stomach, for the lifetime of secrets that only we knew, the constant concerns for you that only I felt, the struggles I knew you were going through. It’s now turned into guilt, regret and anger and I can only blame myself for not getting you…getting us through hard times together.

Although we were twins I looked up to you as a bigger brother. You could do no wrong in my eyes and your words and opinions meant more to me anyone else. I was and still am proud of everything you accomplished in your life. Your blog and words that have reached out to so many and affected so many lives, your massive stature that turned heads when walking down the street that was so fun to be around. I’d secretly say ‘Yea that’s my brother’ in my head just for the attention strangers wanted to give you. I used to get excited to tell people I was a twin – I’d often explain ‘imagine me 10x – wait till you see him’. To this day I want to show people pictures or talk about you. Now All I can think these days is that being a twin was a curse. God’s sick joke and mistake. Granted when you were alive it was one of the most amazing things. From birth you are given a lifetime best friend. Someone that will be forever by your side through thick and thin. Someone to experience all of life’s ups and downs and challenges with. And in our younger days someone to cause a whole lot of trouble with.  As much as we grew up to become our own individuals we were always the same personality.  No matter what we had each others. But with that came the consistent overwhelming concern for each other. The fear of 1 day losing that childhood partner. An inevitable day when one of us would be alone. And that fear came tearing us apart far sooner than I was ready for. I often asked myself what I would do if I lost you. Could I be strong enough to drop everything and join you? I still fight with the question. I just want to see you again, I wanna laugh with you, that genuine lose control laughing moments that usually only we found funny that would annoy everyone else in the room because they just couldn’t understand what we found so funny.

I wish I could write better to articulate how I really feel about you and about the time we spent together but I’m too overwhelmed, you were the better writer anyways.

As much as I am told that I will always have you watching over me – it’s just not enough. It’s just not fucking enough. I want you back.

James – I love you and I miss you everyday. If there is a heaven or an afterlife and you are waiting for me just know I can’t wait to see you, it cant come soon enough.

20 thoughts on “Erik Rhodes: February 8th, 1982 — June 14th, 2012”

  1. Am i the only curious about James’s boyfriend Anthony. Is Anthony also a porn star.

    Did James and Anthony have a sex tape?

    1. I think the closest you are going to get to a tape are the photos the two of them when they went to Fire Island together. James said in the explanation of his break up with Anthony that Anthony made him take those photos and that he was not really up for it. If that is the case then I doubt that he would have had a sex tape and if they did I am sure that James kept it and I am sure that his brother destroyed it when he died. After those Fire Island photos went up there were tons of people begging for James to do a live scene with Anthony but he was having none of it. Last I read, someone said that Anthony had moved to Florida but I am not sure how that person would know and so my guess is as good as yours.

    2. Their relationship is so full of so many questions, but I am wondering, were they together again when James passed away? I seem to remember reading that he was with a new boyfriend who was the one who made the call to Jon about James/Erik not waking up. I follow Anthony’s instagram and there are tons of pics with him and Erik on there, declaring how much he misses him and such. Last I remember the breakup was bad, with the results being Erik/James was juicing himself up even more to look bigger as a result of what Anthony said about his size.

      Also some of the captions on the instagram photos mentioned that him and James took the photos weeks before James passed. I’m definitely not denying that he had genuine love and feelings for James/Erik, but if they weren’t together at the time then it’s sad that Anthony didn’t realize how much he loved him until it was too late.

    1. His brother said that when the paramedics arrived to his home they tried to revive him in the apartment. It may be that they had to do some serious work to revive him before they came. I think that the specific details of that night are something that his brother is going to keep to himself for sometime – you may never know.

  2. OMFG I am bawling my eyes out. I missed this news, as I only recently started following this blog.

    Losing a twin is like losing half of yourself. Your world shrinks, it becomes… half a world… Everything changes, you experience life differently; you have to become a person all over again, starting from scratch; learning to breathe, to walk and talk, all over again, because breathing, walking, talking… LIVING… they all feel different now. Every action, however simple or mundane, feels brand new the first time you do it after one half of your soul has been torn from your body. Acceptance can seem impossible – to admit there is no way out, there is no bonus round – from now on there is living life with that gaping emptiness within, or there is no living at all. The only comfort is in the knowledge that whatever is left of them in this universe, continues to exist within you and nowhere else. And that will have to be enough. Because there is nothing else.

    May Jon treasure every moment of peace that chooses to come his way. Much love.

  3. I feel so bad for Jon. You can hear the pain he’s in over losing his brother. I wish him comfort and peace.

  4. I had no idea it had been a year already. Erik and Josh Weston were two people who when read that they had passed on I was totally speechless and missed them already. As for Erik’s brother I think he writes beautifully and it is almost if he is standing there telling you the how he feels to your face and your just taking it all in.
    We miss you Erik Rhodes..maybe it’s because of your movies, or we have had a personal encounter, maybe it was your blog or maybe it was because sometimes the things you said rang true. Either way we miss you and a part of us went away a year ago as well.

  5. Even though Erik/James had so much stuff going on with him, he was a personality you could not ignore in the porn industry. he was a great performer who had very few boundaries, and a good worth ethic. He truly died a legend in the gay porn industry. I hope he finds peace wherever he is.

  6. Despite the duality of mental illness (depression) and his multiple addictions (various drugs, sex addiction), Erik Rhodes remains one of my favorite porn stars that I hired off of Rentboy since he had a cute face, hard body, and big dick. It was a great opportunity to experience him while he was uncut and after his circumcision. He loved fisting as well as partying. Erik Rhodes will never die since all we need to do is just watch one of his numerous porn scenes. Why don’t we using his Falcon super cock dildo in honor of his legacy?

      1. Erik Rhodes pre-circumcision cock reminded me of Simon Dexter (aka Harley from Sean Cody). He was professional and definitely delivered. Despite his muscles, Erik seemed more of a bottom actually since he liked fisting and especially large toys. In the past, I’ve had good times with porn stars like Tommy Defendi and recently Marc Dylan. His personality really reminded me of Jon Vincent or Jason Ridge. It has yet to top my favorite experience with a porn star and the first Falcon exclusive that I’ve had Aiden Shaw. I’m hoping to hire more of Sean Cody’s models since they seem to be the “new Falcon”.

  7. RootieTootieFreshNFruity

    Does his twin brother even read this blog? If he’s not gay and has no interest in gay porn, then I seriously doubt it.

  8. I never met James. I only knew of him through his videos. I got to know him from reading his blogs.

    James was many things to many people. He was an egoistical, hedonistic jerk to some. An attention hound to others. To me, he was a guy who felt trapped by his life but didn’t want to change. He didn’t have the strength to change the course of his life because frankly, as bad as he believed it was, he didn’t want to change.

    ‘Fame isn’t always desirable but it’s addictive’. James was addicted to the perks of being ‘Erik Rhodes’ but that addiction had a high price and demanded high maintenance. James paid in full.

    His death broke my heart because I couldn’t stand reading about his pain. ‘Why didn’t he get help?’ ‘Why didn’t someone give him the help he needed?’ I keep asking myself.

    Behind the facade was a man in pain. Much of it self-induced.

    I do understand people tried to help and you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved but I can’t help wishing something more was done. What? I don’t know. Something.

    I hope his brother and family can find peace.

    Rest in peace, James.

    I will keep your memory with me.

  9. I am not a fan of censorship, but today I would hope that everyone that posts a comment would self-edit and refrain from saying anything unnecessarily critical of James or his brother Jon. I understand that not everyone had as positive an experience with James as his friends and family might have had and therefore your criticism might very well be justified, but please rise above the need to speak ill of the dead today and leave an encouraging word, a positive reflection, or do not post at all.

  10. Lets his death be a lesson that life should be appreciated not abused or feared. If you have an addiction problem- get help otherwise you’ll not only kill yourself but kill the spirits of those close to you.

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