In War Of Fierceness, The Homosexuals We Asked Preferred Kylie Over Madonna

4th Place:


 
Mariah “Adult Baby” Carey

Album: E=MC²
Single: “Touch My Body” (YouTube)

“Maybe I’d like it if she was being ironic-but it’s not ironic! She’s actually serious.”

“Mariah’s just a boring old floozy at this point.”

“Mariah is a total psycho-bitch and I love her for it. I love how she has millions of wardrobe changes and they’re all the SAME LOOK.”

“I appreciate her obsession with Lisa Frank-style imagery, like butterflies, rainbows, unicorns, and ice cream.”

“Mariah was basically this bright talent with a perfect voice who was molded by Tommy Mottola to become this waifish, curly-haired cuckoo songstress in boring sundresses. Then she went actually cuckoo.”

“She needs to be stopped.”

“She needs major plastic surgery reductions all over her body and a style makeover immediately. Let’s make her ‘The Swan’.”

“If [Mariah] wasn’t so rich, you know she’d be spritzing herself with a homemade mix of AXE and Britney Spears’ Curious every morning before eating a microwaved corn-dog on her way to her party-time job at the Universal CityWalk. That’s the essence of true glamour and I love her for it.”

“I don’t care what anyone says, her SNL performance was so good! It makes me so happy when she’s happy, and when she’s not, I abandon her.”

“Her outfits are all so short and cheap. Hussy!”

“All of these divas try to stay young, but Mariah’s taken it a step too far.She holds a mirror up to youth obsession by being a true-blue adult baby. She either has it totally backwards and is tragically confused, or she’s the most brilliant artist in America.”

“She’s disgusting.”

3rd Place:

Janet “Another Crazy” Jackson
Album: Discipline
Singles: “Feedback” / “Rock With U” (YouTube / 2)

“She probably ought to quit trying to sound like a twenty-something slut out for a night of intercourse in the bathroom of ‘da club’. She’s kind of showing her age.”

“She’s black. Sometimes she’s fat. She whispers and sometimes she blushes. What was I talking about, again?”

“I’ve loved Janet since birth. She sings in a dainty whisper but she isn’t girly. She’s the best dancer out of all of them, and she sings about sexuality and CONTROL. When she retires she should hire a tranny to take over.”

“She needs to stop doing so many interludes and ballads. Let’s stick with the hits, girl!”

“She was SO GOOD in Poetic Justice that I’ll never be fully over her.”

“She’s the most mysterious Jackson, and I like that.” [“That is SO NOT TRUE.” – Ed.]

“I stopped listening to her in 1984.”

“Janet may have turned out the best of the [Jackson] bunch, but she’s still a 42-year-old with a Myspace page.”

“That image of Janet as a sexy robot from the future on her single really says it all. I think they should all start slowly replacing themselves with machines.”

2nd Place:

Madonna
Album: Hard Candy
Single: “4 Minutes (feat. Justin Timberlake and Timbaland) – LINK

“The missing Gorgon sister fascinates, but this song is worse than the rap in “American Life”.

“Her brilliance is her ability to constantly reinvent herself, but it would be best if she would stop doing interviews.”

“Madonna is an icon nobody can deny, but I still don’t feel like she’s MY icon, like she’s from another era for some reason. Oh yeah — because she’s 50, I forgot.”

“She should have never become an actual mother, it was all downhill from there.”

“She used to work with the most groundbreaking artists, producers, and fashion designers in the world and they helped her to become a groundbreaking artist. She reached her apex with the SEX book and Bedtime Stories, and then something happened. She turned into a hippie, moved to Europe and became an anglophile, and now she’s back and trying to re-assert her American relevance by working with the most successful producers from American pop music last year. She’s so transparent I could walk right through her. I’M SO DEPRESSED.”

“I think her constant battle with her own narcissism is what makes her seem so full of herself.”

First Place:


Kylie “Flawless” Minogue
Album: X
Singles: “2 Hearts” / “Wow” / “In My Arms” (YouTube / 2 / 3)

“I like her new London club kid aesthetic.”

“When I hear her music, I feel good. She gets extra points for battling cancer.”

“She’s consistently stayed looking the best, with a fantastic wardrobe, great use of fags, and albums that are about having fun and dancing which is all I want to do.”

“She appreciates the art of music videos as more than a marketing tool.”

“She makes me want to become a tranny.”

“They say that Kylie is the Australian Madonna, which is sort of like saying she’s the Madonna of Texas. If you factor in the cultural exchange rate relative to population, that puts her at about the level of Jennifer Love Hewitt.”

“She’s a flawless, cancer-surviving diva with poise and grace, and knows better than to bow down to us Americans.”

“She has the most vapid lyrics and the most candy flipped visual aesthetic. She’s Disney on ketamine and actually stays cool without trying. If she would throw in 30% more Satanism she’d be perfect.”

We then felt compelled, upon realizing the cumulative ages of these four women equals 167, to ask our dedicated panel of gays who will usurp their crowns once they cross into physically decrepit senility? Rather than giving us the expected responses of Britney, Christina, or even an Amy Winehouse, the collective response seemed to resound two names: Beyoncè and Róisín (pronounced RO-SHEEN) Murphy, an up and coming Irish electronica disco pop singer. One person replied in defense of Rihanna, and our friend Shawn kept it real: “I don’t know. It’s hard to tell because they all keep falling apart.”

BONUS! MADONNA’S LEAKED VIDEO:

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