Your 4-day, long-weekend itinerary (find addresses for these places here–also, see disclaimer*):

Day 1
Destinations: La Farmacia and La Playa
Supplies: Margaritas and half a Valium

You’ll need to hop into town for new swimwear, and for all your prescription drug needs we recommend Farmacia Olas Altas, better known as Freddy Drugstore.  Freddy speaks great English and couldn’t give a damn what you want those amphetamines for. We’d also advise picking up some Valium, Ritalin, Cialis, some Neo-Percodan (basically a combo of Darvocet and Tylenol), and just for good measure, Immodium — you never know when you’re going to come home drunk and use that infamous tap water to brush your teeth.  As for swimwear, just don’t buy anything that looks like this or this.

Spend the remainder of the afternoon with half a Valium and a couple margaritas in the sun, and you may not see evening. Given that you can probably see all the bars you need to see in town within a few hours, that’s not such a bad thing.

Day 2
Destinations: The Pool, Garbo & Club Paco Paco
Supplies: Neo-Percodan, Corona, Vodka Soda and Amphetamine

Rest up after a long slow afternoon of watching your hand slap the water while lying poolside in a Darvocet haze, and ease into your evening at local piano bar and fag haunt Garbo, where we can imagine Charles Nelson Reilly once felt right at home.

For the later night, start with half a green amphetamine (depending on your tolerance and heart health, a quarter may even do), and head over to Club Paco Paco (a.k.a., for the gringos, Paco’s Ranch).  One Mexican-American tourist we met called this place “pedestrian,” but you haven’t seen gay PV til you’ve seen this multi-level space topped with a rainbow awning. The Mexican-to-tourist ratio here is about 9:1, and Thursday to Saturday there’s a “Transvesty Show.”

Day 3
Destinations: Blue Chairs, Stereo & Mañana
Supplies: Half a Valium, three Vodka Sodas, four Coronas, Amphetamine, shot of Don Julio

The gays who don’t have fancy pools to sit beside congregate at the “blue chairs” toward the southern end of the main beach and strut around in their mostly terrible swimwear.  Thank goddess for Freddy.

For the evening hours, Stereo is small and tranny-friendly, and thinks of itself as a “martini bar.”  Mañana (pictured, right) is pretty much the only show in town for dance venues where the hot boys go — Mexican-to-tourist ratio about 4:1. We do not recommend getting extremely fucked up and landing in the 3-foot deep pool underneath the raised dancefloor. Come 3AM, people drop beer bottles and cigarettes down there, and it also probably contains a touch of syphilis. If you play it right, you should be pretty chatty and good to go until 8AM, which is about when the club starts to clear out.

Day 4
Destinations: Your Hotel room, Blue Chairs, the bathroom at Oscar’s, Los Balcones, Stereo, Mañana, Casanova, back to Mañana
Supplies: Vitamin Water, a Bloody Mary, 2 Tylenol, 8 Coronas, 1 gram of Cocaine, 2 more Coronas, Valium to sleep.

Upon waking after 2 hours of nervous sleep you will probably swear never to take those fucking amphetamine pills again, and you’ll go asking around at the Blue Chairs where you can find some blow. There’s a dealer with a few front teeth missing who usually hangs out next to the dancefloor at Mañana, or near the bathrooms at Oscar’s down by the inlet, and he can hook you up with something that resembles cocaine. You’ll want to hit the oldest gay bar in town, Los Balcones, run back to Stereo to see if it’s hot, go to Mañana around midnight, make a new friend who also can’t stop talking, go to the strip club Casanova (pictured, left) where they may be having an amateur wet undies contest, and when the drunk pregnant woman wins, you’ll head back to Mañana to dance til 6, before taking a Valium to sleep. Don’t miss your plane!

* The Sword in no way condones the mixing or taking of illegal substances. Consult our Fatal Drug Interaction Guide, our Guide to Cocaine and Toxicology Reports of the Stars for further guidance.

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