WELL. The last piece I wrote garnered… a bit of a reaction. And you know what? That’s totally cool. Apparently you aren’t anybody unless you’re pushing a few buttons. Except for one thing: When it comes to this topic of gay-for-pay, I still think I’m right, at least about the proverbial surface I’ve scratched on this very complicated subject. And if you don’t agree, you really don’t have to continue reading. But for those of you who do wish to continue, I’m going to tell another story about getting fucked on camera! YAY!!! But don’t worry, for any of you who actually give a crap about my opinions, it will loop in the discussion from the last post.
The scene with Joe Parker, as I wrote about a couple posts ago, was exciting in its own unique way, in that it was my first and it was with someone with whom I fortunately shared instant chemistry. Two months after completing that scene, I was hired to do my first location shoot, my first with director Steve Cruz (with whom I would go on to do many more scenes), and my first with the one, the only, Tommy Defendi, in a little movie called Timberwolves.When the scene was pitched to me, I looked Tommy up, as I had not heard his name before. When I mentioned it to some of my friends, including pornhound and Scissor Sister, Jake Shears, it became clear that Tommy, at the young age of 24, was a veteran in the business and was somewhat of an institution. Upon more research, I found that at the time, he had very recently won the Grabby award for “Best Cock,” and this, of course, excited and terrified me simultaneously. I love a big dick, but I also like keeping my colon intact. And like I said, porn shoots can be a bit long.
All that aside, the truth was Tommy, from the pics I saw, was a pretty good-looking dude, meeting and working with Steve Cruz sounded pretty fun, and I was clearly down to continue down the porn rabbit hole. So I signed up.
Tommy, it turns out, is even more handsome in person. He and I were picked up together from the airport, and soon after that we were driven to a house in Guerneville, CA, where we would stay the night before looking for locations to shoot some dialogue and b-roll. We then would eventually end up at an adorable little cabin in which we would shoot our scene.
Now this was only scene number two for me, and remember that the prior scene with Joe was in a studio set environment, in which we only had mere minutes to get to know each other before it was time to get to work. This time, I had about 24 hours to hang out with Tommy before there would be any shooting of any kind, and we were surrounded by trees, nature, and so much quiet. We spent the afternoon getting to know each other on the deck, and I admittedly was feeling him out for any kind of attraction, hoping for the same fireworks I had instantly with Joe. No dice.
He told me about his experience with work, where he was from, and what his life was like socially and romantically. It became clear that Tommy was, for the most part, romantically interested in women, but enjoyed sex with men in a professional setting, whether as an escort or as a performer. I winced. I may have even pouted. I began speaking about my time in school and my experience as a counselor. He seemed interested, especially in the bisexual visibility topic, and asked a couple questions. I felt better, because I realized he didn’t necessarily want to spend the entire time talking about himself (a symptom of being in the spotlight in the porn world, I would find).
As I mentioned in the Adam Baran interview last summer, I broke it down rather quickly for Tommy. “Listen, Tommy,” I said. “I know you’ve been doing this a while, and clearly you’re good at it because you get hired rather often. But I’m kind of new at this, and I need a little of this from you, you know?” I gestured with my two fingers to the invisible line between his eyes and mine.
“Well, what do you mean?” he asked innocently.
I hesitated, and then I looked even deeper into his big brown eyes and said, “I need you to make me feel special.”
He thought for a moment. “Yeah,” he said. “I can do that.”
I still wasn’t sure if this was the foot-in-mouth moment I was fearing it to be at the time, but we shot our b-roll, we shot our dialogue, we had a few laughs. And finally, that moment on camera when he comes downstairs without his pants on, his dick flopping around, and we begin to kiss is actually the first time he and I ever made any intimate contact.
And it. Felt. A. Mazing. The chemistry in this scene. Every time we kissed, every time he looked directly at me, every second of eye contact, every time he grabbed the back of my neck with his big hands. His fit but natural body. The noises he made. And obviously, his gorgeous dick.
I won’t say it was an easy scene to shoot. There was much work to be done, in terms of set-up. The lighting, the furniture, how to utilize the space for our needs, the weather. In between takes, he and I didn’t interact a whole lot. He scrolled through his phone, mostly for inspiration. I took great care to make sure I was hydrated and healthy, and ready. You know, back there.
But every time we were engaged on camera, I felt something different. It felt like a victory. It felt like every straight guy in high school I had a crush on but couldn’t quite get the attention and affection that I wanted from was in the room now. When he comes down those stairs, his tall, half-naked body coming toward me, and he grabs me by the neck and kisses me that first time. When he cared enough to touch or lick my sensitive nipples while he was fucking me. Every single kiss. It felt validating. It was fun. And when it was time to cum, I got down on my knees and his cumshot had such force and velocity. When I watch that part of the scene, I see it in my face. I am more than satisfied. Soon after, I shot my load too, and he laughed as he said, “Aw yeah,” the scene wrapped, we hugged sweaty hugs, went home, and relaxed. And I felt like the little gay boy inside me was vindicated.
Epilogue: Timberwolves went on to be one of Raging Stallion’s biggest hits that year, and it also brought to my life friendships with not only Steve and Tommy, but also Boomer Banks (who was shooting his first scene), Marcus Isaacs, and eventual scene partners Shawn Wolfe and Aleks Buldocek. It was like porno sleepaway camp, and it was so much fun. And when it came time for the Grabbys the following spring, the film was nominated for best feature, I was nominated for Best Newcomer and Best Bottom, and Tommy and I were nominated for best duo. And I really thought we had a shot at winning the last one, but WHATEVER Shawn Wolfe and Hunter Page in that Naked Sword movie! (Kidding. That scene was hot too.)
But here I am, describing all of the above, in order to illustrate the point that Tommy, who gave me one of my best scenes to date, identifies as bisexual and is currently in a romantic relationship with a woman. He and I have remained friends, actually shot another scene together for Hot House, and have communicated a little bit about this topic. And in terms of the work we have created for your viewing pleasure, none of this really MATTERS. We got off, you got off, end of story.
So many of the negative comments about the last post seemed to harp on the fact that hiring men who are not solely gay-identified to act in gay porn films is doing the gay community some kind of disservice. Never once did any comment I read (and I couldn’t possibly read all of them) ever mention what it may bring to the people involved in creating these scenes, nor did they consider the hours of pleasure it may bring to the millions of porn watchers who really just don’t give a shit about the personal lives of the men who are fucking each other on their TV or computer screens.
I am not at all saying that men in the gay porn limelight who hide their sexual identities are doing the right thing. But I’m reminding you that they are people too, with their own stories. Some are men with families, wives, and children. Or they’re men with other jobs where coworkers might not be so understanding. Or they’re men who haven’t quite figured themselves out yet. Or they’re men who are so blinded by the spotlight that they’re not quite sure how to navigate the gay porn landscape. Showering them with hate and shaming them for “doing it wrong” isn’t going to help them with their path, nor is it going to help you with your cause, which is presumably to see hotter porn.
I am also understanding from the comments that they are a little more thought out than just the blind hatred for these guys. Some commenters mention (at great length) the fact that hiring mostly straight-identified men to portray the masculine gay ideal in gay porn is reinforcing the notion that gay men are not “good enough.” The point they seem to be missing here is that these guys explore the grey area BETWEEN straight and gay, be it bisexual, pansexual, fluid, or unlabeled. And that’s okay.
It’s a job. And if the models are good at it, the rest is really their business, not yours. If they’re assholes, it’s a whole other story. But good guys come in every shape, size, and sexual identity, too. If they’re hot, and they’re convincing you that the sex they’re having is hot, why, really, are you complaining?
A clip from scene in question, below. Watch it all here.