As soon as Maddox Jolie-Pitt popped up on the tabloid radar, spawning a veritable army of faux-hawk sporting 2-year-old wannabes from Noe Valley to Park Slope, the phenomenon of the A-List Baby has grown so exponentially that even finding photos of our targets in question took us mere seconds by typing in a Google search without even including their famous moms ‘n dads by name. Now, before you start scratching your head and wondering how fucked up it is to presume the sexual orientation of a toddler, remember that we all grow up presumably straight, and we aren’t the ones sporting a Maddox tattoo (pictured). So, without further ado, our assessment of how your favorite celebabies rank in terms of warning signs:
It’s come to our attention that the gays are obsessed with baby Maddox. Not so much a baby anymore as a small child, we admit that Mad’s got the chic style, trendsetting potential and sheer camera-loving charisma that could make for a fully fabulous fag when he’s older. Recently on an outing to L.A.’s ArcLight cinema, Maddox picked out a pack of “I â™¥ MY PENIS” gum in the gift shoppe, which mom Angelina (notorious ex-gay) had a good laugh over before purchasing for him. However, we note his purported love for guns, dirt-biking with Brad and he was once rumored to have a serious flirtation with a girl at his school. It seems, no matter how crazed the gays might get over Maddox’s fierceness in the tabloids, he’ll probably wind up being one of those straight guys that just likes the attention.
FORECAST: 30% chance of gay.
Gwen Stefani is obviously trying to turn her son gay from birth. We can’t tell if it’s the faux-hawk (noticeably weaker than Maddox Jolie-Pitt’s), the trendy little hoodies, the tendency to wear overpriced baby sunglasses or his dazzling shoe collection, but we also feel like it would be SOOOOOOO like Gwen to try to turn her little boy gay so that no woman will ever be as important to him as she’ll be. Remember when Daisy Lowe, Gavin’s illegitimate model daughter showed up? Gwen was clearly not having it because she is a total diva. However, don’t be surprised if her plan backfires and all she gets is a spoiled little metrosexual Hollywood terror.
FORECAST: 60% chance of gay.
Something tells us we have a live one here. Noticeably shyer than his older sister Apple and certainly a momma’s boy, Moses looks like something of a crybaby in every photo we have of him. He loves his Vincent shoes in a rainbow of colors, and he runs like a girl! Spawned from a sensitive musician and an A-List starlet who can’t go wrong on the red carpet, it makes sense that they might beget a son that’s generally light in the loafers. However, all of these clues might just be attributed to the fact that he’s British.
FORECAST: English with a 70% chance of gay.
Kate Hudson’s son with ex-husband and Black Crowes front man Chris Robinson, Ryder, is possibly the best dressed celebaby in L.A. With his long blonde hair and penchant for hats and clashing patterns, Ryder is the epitome of west coast-cool. He’s post-grunge with a Bob Dylan twist! He’s boho-baby! While we wish we could say he’ll end up representing a gay growing up in the spotlight, we’re sure he’ll wind up an overeducated, environmentalist stoner by the time he hits his twenties, and though his grandma is Goldie Hawn, he’ll probably be more interested in his kick-ass Grandpa Kurt Russell’s campy action flicks than The First Wives Club.
FORECAST: 20% chance of gay.
Madonna will never have a gay son. It’s just physics or something. He’ll never think she’s as fabulous as we do because of all the resentment he’ll have toward her for leaving him in the care of neglectful au pairs who spent all their time digging through medicine cabinets and pilfering diamond eyelashes. He’s been known to make fun of his mom in French at the dinner table, loves hanging out with dad (shoot-em-up director Guy Ritchie) and never leaves the house in anything but a soccer uniform. Not only is he straight, we bet he’ll make a really awesome mate to go out to the pubs and get hammered with.
FORECAST: 0% chance of gay.
We don’t mean to leave the girls out of our gay celebaby countdown, but it’s rare that we actually find a Hollywood tot that hasn’t been prissed out to the nines by her mother. Sure, Violet Affleck is probably just as likely to become a lesbian as Zahara Jolie-Pitt, Suri Cruise, or one of Charlie Sheen’s girls, but she’s the only she-celebaby who’s not afraid to get dirty with the bugs, jump off a swing, pull out her pigtails, and play as hard as the boys. Something tells us she’s going to keep rebelling from here on out. Just look at her eating that nectarine! She doesn’t give… a… FUCK, dude.
FORECAST: 80% chance of lesbian.
Rene Charles Angelil
Oh my Zarf! Celine Dion’s son is 6 years old but she still refers to him as a prince and an angel, refuses to cut his hair, and parades him around Oprah like a little toy poodle. When your mother is the most whimsically insane pop-romance vocalist of all time and you’re raised around giant statues of Siegfried and Roy and used to wearing so much velvet you forget which day is actually Christmas, there’s just no hope. When you already have gayface and you’re not even in 2nd grade, it’s time to face it.
FORECAST: 666% chance of gay.
UPDATE: Well hello, lawyer letter from Playgirl. In other news, Playgirl can afford a lawyer? Images removed.
The Homosexual Recruiter Association celebrates another success today now that former Menudo boy bander Angelo Garcia has done the yep-i'm-gay thing. And to celebrate, he's posing nude.