We love having straight people hang out with us, we really do, but I’m going to break down the rules for the breeders who forget how to behave when there is a rainbow flag on the wall.
Just because the gays at the bar know a guy is straight doesn’t mean he won’t get hit on. In fact, it probably increases his likelihood of dudes wanting to chat him up. Know how straight guys like girl-on-girl action? Gays feel the same way about straight guys, so they’re going to want to try to “turn” you. (Unless you’re ugly. Then you’re totally safe.) Just let the poor deluded soul hitting on you down nicely without being insulting. Either that or flirt your way into a few free drinks. Just because you’re not interested doesn’t mean you can’t take him for everything he’s worth. At least one girl has done that to you before, right? If your new paramour continues to pressure you or gets too handsy, don’t punch him in the grill. The room will turn on you and call you a gay basher faster than you can say Laramie, Wyoming. Instead just throw a drink on him like it’s an episode of Dynasty. Not only will that solve your problem, you’ll probably make a bunch of new friends.
There are hundreds of more words and several “tips” for straight people who go to gay bars in this article, but this is an article from someone who’s more interested in hearing himself write than actually giving out any real advice for real people in real gay bars, unless he’s writing about straight people and gay people and gay bars that once existed in a sitcom or a 1980’s movie.
We know you want to look at strippers, but you have to find somewhere for women to do it. Go to Chippendales or Thunder from Down Under or some strip night called Danglers that’s meant just for you ladies. Do not show up at a gay go-go bar and screech and squeal and push all the other patrons out of the way so you can drunkenly slip a $20 in a tiny sliver of spandex stuck up a plump, oiled backside.
Maybe these sorts of things with these wild straights happen all the time. I don’t even really live in the real world. Who am I to talk? Maybe I’ve just been hanging out with very well-behaved straight people.
No Fucking Cosmos
Seriously, it’s not 1997 and you are not Carrie Bradshaw. Put down the fucking appletini and order a beer or a vodka tonic like everyone else.
Who still orders Cosmos? No one.
Dynasty, Carrie Bradshaw, Chippendales, 1997, Appletinis…
Using so many outdated stereotypes from the past to make a point about situations that don’t even really exist in the present reveals that you are actually the one who is the stereotype. You’re the one living in the past! Don’t blame straight straw men for your misconceptions, or for your indulgence in lazy writing.