Sword Says Archives - Page 356 of 357

PA Scientists Prove Two-Beer Queer Theory

January 3, 2008

Demonstrating that those wily freshmen twinks are indeed ahead of than their never-been-kissed nerd brethren, scientists unveiled that the secret to getting straight men into bed is… alcohol. Researchers at Pennsylvania State University in University Park observed that male Drosophila fruit flies engaged in homosexual activity when under the influence of alcohol, and by the third day had succumbed to gang-bang-style “courtship-chains.” No word on whether they did the elephant walk after the Zeta Phi Beta Three-Day.

In a separate study, drunk female fruit flies spent their evenings cutting themselves and reading AnaÃ¯s Nin.

New York Unveils New Youth Fad: AIDS!

January 2, 2008

Anyone who’s tried hooking up on Manhunt or Craigslist in the last decade, has encountered a mystery: How can so many young people bareback without contracting HIV? Thanks to a new report, we now know the answer: they can’t! They get AIDS just like everyone else!

Spencer Pratt Refuses Gay Porn Offer

December 28, 2007

Semi-lebrity Spencer Pratt has refused Michael Lucas’s lecherous advances, telling In Touch magazine that he won’t leave the lucrative world of reality TV “until I am 100.”

While actual details are sketchy and smell vaguely of poppers and fever
dream sweat, Lucas had allegedly propositioned The Hills “star,”
suggesting that he’d be perfect for a gay porn blockbuster.

Bush Administration Gets Meth

December 28, 2007

The Bush Administration has approved $300,000 dollars in funding to the Gay Men’s Health Crisis to fight crystal meth abuse in the gay community.

Sex Toy Story: 8 Gifts For the Lonely

December 20, 2007

Has the vivisection that is holiday shopping robbed you of your holiday spirit? With less than a week until we all hunker down at Mom’s, rifle through the medicine cabinet, bogart a bottle of champagne and wake up dazed in a living nativity somewhere down the street, time is running out to get our loved ones what they really want from us. Of course, a porn site membership will successfully impress your gaggle of gay friends, but for your most special partner, nothing says “Season’s Greetings” like reaming him in the ass with a giant red and white candy-cane vibrator! Alright fruitcakes, we give you (after the jump): Our Holiday Wishlist!

The Sword Guide to Gay Party Drugs, Installment 2: GHB

December 19, 2007

When it was discovered that a Chinese toy company had inadvertently made colored beads that turned into GHB when broken down by the digestive tract, homos everywhere began popping Lite-Brite pegs (nevermind that the culprit, Aqua Dots, were quickly recalled). The Sword, however, felt it was time to set the record straight about one of our least favorite date rape drugs. Our complete field guide after the jump.

Project Runway Guy Determined to Stay Relevant for Five More Minutes

December 17, 2007

Erstwhile Project Runway contestant Jack Mackenroth seems like a real doll, and one with a head not only for PR, but PR as well. Whilst awaiting the airing of his appearance on and subsequent staph-infection-related departure from the show, Mackenroth not only posed for some nude-y “art” photographs that got “leaked” to the internet, shot a cameo in the Sex and the City movie and started dating fellow reality fag Dale Levitski, but he also uploaded a charming video spoof of himself lip syncing to Irene Cara’s 1983 classic “What a Feeling” while fagging out on the D train and
getting a bucket of water thrown on him (clip after the jump).

CBS Interviews Montgomery About Church Schism

December 13, 2007

If you’ve got a question about religion, ask the man who produced Heaven to Hell. When CBS News covered the decision of The Diocese of San Joaquin in California’s Central Valley to break away from the larger Episcopal Church for its ordination of women and support of gays (calling it “morally and spiritually bankrupt), they asked Falcon Studios prexy Todd Montgomery to set the record straight. “Jesus wasn’t exclusive,” Montgomery told the unsuspecting film crew outside San Francisco’s tony Grace Cathedral. Not a Falcon exclusive, maybe, but we suspect Dark Alley would have signed him.

The 12 Gays of Christmas Videos

December 12, 2007

Holiday YouTube videos have replaced Christmas
cookies as a seasonal MUST over these past couple of years. For fags like us, YouTube isn’t just another
sensory replacement for food (just ask our dealers!), but also a chance to
catch some of the most bizarre and under-appreciated queer cinema ever made. We’ve
known that gays and yuletide cheer are an incompatible match ever since we came
out during Christmas of freshman year and our crazy Aunt Rachel threw her turkey leg at us, screaming “fuck” a lot-so you can imagine the tongue-in- cheekiness we have in store for you with our 12 Gays of Christmas Video Collection.

Ricky Martin Outed (Sort of) By His Skin Doctor

December 12, 2007

Let’s say you’re a poorly closeted celebrity who
hasn’t seen a lot of press since 2003.
You go to the trouble of seeking a skin care professional in Denmark because
BeyoncÃ© said he was the bomb and you’ve been told that the Danes are very
discreet.*

International Mr. Leather Expo

December 5, 2007

74 Years Ago Today, We Regained the Right to Get Shitfaced and Make Out

December 5, 2007

74 years ago today, Utah finally cowed to the
rest of the whiskey-loving Lower 48 and grudgingly ratified the 21st Amendment, bringing to
an end America’s long nightmare of bathtub gin and flapper fashion. Nostalgia for speakeasy culture has given way
to a fetishistic modern cocktail movement exemplified in bars like New York‘s Milk & Honey and San Francisco‘s Bourbon & Branch. But on this historic day, we prefer to note
that the repeal of Prohibition and a few other developments since 1934 have
made possible the million-and-one homemade YouTube videos made by piles of
pierced twinks, drinking Bud Light out of the can, pulling down their pants for
the camera, shouting “OMG I’m SO DRUNK!” and making out with each
other for sport.

National Press Club Premieres Blue Movie

December 5, 2007

DC’s
gentlemen’s clubs are gonna be empty tonight, â€˜cause the National Press Club’s
hosting a real smoker this afternoon. The gays
marched on Washington
in 1993. Louis Farrakhan led the Million Man March in 1995. Now, Americans for
Truth About Homosexuality are “speaking truth to power” by presenting the
videotaped depravity of San Francisco’s Folsom Street Fair in an exciting multimedia format entitled “Tolerance Gone Wild” at the National Press Club…

Slurp

December 5, 2007

The Cock
29 2nd Avenue
New York

Wednesdays

Drag ~~mess~~ legend Linda Simpson hosts this weekly party with DJs Telfar and Michael Magnan and a revolving cast of downtown’s most fashionable fags and their friends. Wake up on Thursday with fresh regrets! $5 at the door.

Fatal Drug Interactions: A Gay Primer

December 3, 2007

You got
over mixing beer with liquor in high school-we know. But there you are at the bar throwing back a handful of
unmarked pills with a severely under-mixed cocktail. Is your lonely homo existence worth so
little? Don’t you want to at least get
through that Vanity Fair piece on
Matthew McConaughy?

We’re no
experts-more like Nurse Ratched than Florence Nightingale-but in honor of the holiday season, we thought
we’d give you a by-no-means-complete list of the fatal gay drug interactions that
killed so many we loved and loved to hate. Stay alive! We want to mock
you.

Jungle: The Gay Party

December 3, 2007

Mad
Lausanne, Switzerland

December 31

It’s a big gay New Year’s Eve party in the heart of Europe, and this year’s theme is “Hollywood,” which probably means skinny blondes, cocaine and missing panties. 35 euros before midnight makes for a perfect apres ski event, even with a falling dollar. More info here.

Guys’ Night Out

December 3, 2007

Lord & Taylor
424 5th Avenue
New York

December 6, 5 to 8 PM

If you’ve ever wanted a day to roam a New York department store at Christmas time and simultaneously cruise guys with abandon (wait, isn’t that called “Saturday”?), check out Lord & Taylor’s man-themed shopping event hosted by Details, 1050ESPN NY, Buffalo Jeans, Hawke & Company Outfitters and 7 Diamonds. Your retail therapy this evening will be accompanied by DJ Marc, and comes with a 20% discount and a gift bag. Don’t forget to wear the accessory of the season: a teacup Maltese under your arm! Call 212-391-3604 for reservations.

Daft Punk Alive 2007

November 30, 2007

Tokyo

December 8-9, 2007

Guy-Manuel de Homem-Christo and Thomas Bangalter, aka Daft Punk are human after all, but their relentless touring and torrential blowing of minds certainly doesn’t show it. Donning motorcycle helmets and leather biker gear specially designed by Hedi Slimane for the French house masters, Daft Punk is wrapping up their mythic tour with a string of shows in Tokyo followed by a brief and conclusive outing in Australia. This will be your last chance to check out the LED-crazy visual mega-trip that elicited rapturous praise from concert-goers worldwide and elicted apologies from music critics that had misjudged them in the past. ALIVE 2007 is THE concert of the year. Don’t be tragic, touch the magic. http://www.daftpunk.com

Hookers Ball

November 30, 2007

Discovery Nightclub, 89 Mitchell Street
Darwin, Australia

December 2

C-lister Tara Reid (billed on the flyer as “Hollywood A-lister”… umm, no), tired of taking shit on the Sunset Strip for her botched boob job and blackout drunkenness, now apparently makes appearances at random-ass international fÃªtes in order to pay the bills. So, if you happen to be Darwin, Australia the first weekend in December, and you happen to be dressed like a hooker, it’s a mere $25 at the door ($35 if you’re not dressed “in theme”). Doors at 8PM. myspace/discovery_nightclub

MiX Brazil: Festival of Sexual Diversity

November 30, 2007

SÃ£o Paulo

November 13 – December 23, 2007

A celebration of sexual diversity in Latin America? That sounds good to us! The event begins in SÃ£o Paulo, then goes on a tour of Brazil to spread sex and empowerment to the masses. An estimated 25,000 viewers watch over 200 films, shorts, and videos on offer from 19 different countries, and enjoy the accompanying cultural events like performances, parties, and art shows. The festival is divided into adult entertainment, a video competition, and analyses of popular television. Take sex out of the subtext and get down to MiX! http://www.mixbrasil.com.br

World AIDS Day

November 30, 2007

Copenhagen

December 1, 2007

World AIDS Day is December 1st every year, and no one shows their solidarity and fight for the cause like the great Danes. Peaceful demonstrations, free condoms, marches, benefit parties, and memorial ceremonies decorate the town as the city commemorates the international day of action against HIV and AIDS. http://www.aidsfondet.dk/

Catacombs

November 30, 2007

Rome

December 7-14, 2007

For five years and counting, the Leather Club Roma hosts the hottest leather-fetish event in Italy, grimly titled Catacombs. What happens when you take Folsom Street Fair and relocate it to one of Europe’s most beautiful cities (filled with some of the world’s most beautiful men)? Apparently you get seven days of bull whips, ball gags, and nonstop sex. “Perhaps the crown jewel of the theme parties, spread throughout the long weekend, is the Black Leather Uniform Fans party. Strict dress codes apply: black leather only.” Wearing a uniform never felt so freeing. http://www.lcroma.com/catacombs.htm

Catacombs

November 30, 2007

Rome

December 7-14, 2007

Catacombs

November 30, 2007

Rome

December 7-14, 2007

Berlin Tattoo Convention

November 30, 2007

Berlin

December 7-9, 2007

Show off your ink with the world’s most well-drawn at this three-day world-renowned convention. The marathon of sensory-overload includes contests, tattoo showings, inking and piercing sessions, and a stage program with entertainment, magic, acrobats, and even snake charmers. Evidently, the freaks come out in December. When in Berlin, do as the Berliners do and you might just walk away branded. http://www.tattoo-convention.de

Horse Meat Disco X-Mas Party

November 30, 2007

London

December 16, 2007

London’s most out-of-control tea dance party celebrates the birth of Christ through raunchy disco, classics and punk funk, all in the name of a horse’s erection. Every Sunday South London goes berserk at Horse Meat Disco. Ditch your office party for this sausage-fest and find something sizable to stuff in a stocking! With drink giveaways and free swag, trade in your usual horse for a reindeer, throw some bells on and jingle all the way to a stranger’s bed. http://www.horsemeatdisco.co.uk

Screening of Gus Van Sant’s Paranoid Park

November 30, 2007

Letterman Digital Arts Center Premiere Theater
San Francisco

December 8, 7PM

After closing out his “death trilogy” with Last Days, the critically polarizing Van Sant heads in a new direction with Paranoid Park. A dreamlike portrait of teen alienation and presented as a Super-8 diary by the central adolescent character, the film won the 60th Anniversary Award at the 2007 Cannes Film Festival. This is your chance to see it before its U.S. release, and the director himself is expected to appear at the screening. $15. Tickets available here.

Hot Mess!

November 30, 2007

The Stud
9th & Harrison
San Francisco

Saturdays 10PM – 4AM

The sloppiest kids in town are colonizing the Stud for this new Saturday party, featuring drink specials for exhibitionists, live whipped-cream wrestling and Frat House DJ Kidd Sysko.

Star Fridays

November 30, 2007

Star Lounge

Chelsea Hotel Basement

222 W 23rd Street
New York

Fridays 10PM – 4AM

It’s a fun scene and it won an HX Award for Best Small Club Night. So come back to Chelsea for some red velvet-and- chandelier-style glamour, brought to you by Josh Wood (Garden of ONO), Matt Tratner and Nick Van Bremen, with DJ Lina.

Barresi Switch-Hits on Cruise Gay Rumors

November 29, 2007

Porn director-turned- private investigator Paul Barresi
claims that he’s found no evidence of Tom Cruise’s rumored homosexuality, despite
the connection to Scientology, a gay vague haircut and a seemingly endless
stream of court-challenged claims by former lovers, according to In Touch Weekly. “Everything I’ve
found and everything I know points to Tom being heterosexual,” Paul told
the magazine. Oddly, it was only a year ago that Barresi was in the
opposite situation â€“ facing legal threats from Cruise’s celebrity legal
eagle, Bert Fields, to remove a claim by Barresi that he had found evidence of the star’s sexcapades with a West Hollywood escort.

The Decrying of Lott’s 69

November 27, 2007

We have no interest at the moment in confirming the validity of Today’s Most Popular Gay Rumor Involving a Possibly Closeted Congressional Republican, and would prefer simply to revel in the delicious, drama-promising, unconfirmed glory of it all. The blog BigHeadDC attempted to break the story yesterday, following Trent Lott’s abrupt resignation announcement and based on some truly slippery email correspondence with obviously attention-loving gay escort-cum-blogger Benjamin Nicholas. The rumor has already been denounced by the HuffPo, spat upon by Wonkette, re-attributed to Gawker and slipperily denied by Nicholas himself, but that doesn’t make it untrue (as Dan Savage has been quick to note).

Separated at Birth? Atlantis Cruises v. RSVP Vacations

November 21, 2007

When RSVP Vacations, the other gay cruise company, got sold to Atlantis Events this past fall, fans of the gay cruise experience blogged and commented on the demise of RSVP and how this consolidation will affect their sarong party plans on next year’s Caribbean Fantasy. We didn’t have the stomach to go on one ourselves, but we did spend a good chunk of one afternoon poking fun at nauseating YouTube photo montages and gouge-your-eyes-out horrific and suicide-grade-boring photo sets of both. While we’ve been told repeatedly that Atlantis was the floating
bathhouse and RSVP was the queeny piano-bar-on-the-sea, we didn’t see
much difference in the people we talked to.

Worst Products: Ese on Down the Road, Anal Edition

November 20, 2007

What flavored balm goes on smooth and keeps the mustiest puckers fresh as a teenager? If you answered Anal-Ese, well, son, you’re one hell of a
professional. Today as part of our Worst Products Marketed to the Gays series, we feature this desensitizing agent long used on porn sets to keep the loosest goose from squealing after a three-hour Arpad-Miklos pounding. Generally, the benzocaine confection has been marketed to women trying to get over the hump, so to speak. As gays scoop up more products marketed to women (Special K, Juicy Couture, Enchanted), it gets harder to believe that any woman (or alternately, the man who wants to pop her in the pooper) is gonna care that her thumping hole is flavored like a maraschino. Of course, we’re not really sure that a guy who’s numbing himself for a three-day party is at the top of our menu, either… but we digress.

Frat House

November 8, 2007

440 Castro

San Francisco

Wednesdays

Come get it on at the Bar Formerly Known as Daddy’s with a truckload of straight-acting twinks and the gayer gays who love them.

Homophobic Joke of the Week

November 8, 2007

What’s the difference between a fag and a freezer?

Bear Pride Week

November 7, 2007

Cologne (Koln)
Germany

November 20-25

In the States the bears have pride fests all over: in Provincetown, in Chicago, in San Francisco with the Hairrison Street Fair and they’ll always have Guerneville…