Sword Says

Holy meat-curtains, Batman! While you were whiling away the hours in a K-Hole listening to the mind-numbing thumpa- thumpa-thumpa at the local discotheque, our lesbian brethren were plotting world domination!

We don’t usually cover the womyn’s beat, but just for you, and because it’s Monday, a roundup of all the celebrity muff diving news of the past few days.

Rumors have been percolating that Juno star Ellen Page might be a lezzy, and some feel that this clip on SNL might be her way of coming out in a round-about sort of way. However, she makes a mistake no card-carrying lesbian would dare make: 0:55 into the clip, she refers to Indigo Girls’

Cho My God. In a swirling vortex of faggotry, the notorious Margaret has
announced that as Chief of the Parade, she’ll be sharing the
Sydney Mardi Gras spotlight with Cindy Lauper, Kathy Griffin and Olivia Newton
John. We always suspect that, like our actual fag hag friends, they loved us but
despised each other. And it’s possible that the Bush-bashing-bush-licking
comedienne was merely setting the stage for a colossal coup in which she lures
her competition onto the stage, only to flip a switch and drop them into
shark-filled harbor below, thus securing fag hag dominance. Or perhaps Kylie is
the culprit (there ain’t a gay party where she’s not, mate) and is preparing to
disappear them, Picnic at Hanging Rock-style.

The Academy Awards were three days ago and in internet-time we know that’s a veritable eternity, but now that Joan Rivers has reared her synthetic, scowling head we’ve realized that we’re still not over it. We hate to admit it, but we miss Joan and Melissa’s red carpet coverage. Maybe we’re assholes, but the way in which Joan Rivers would tell the stars they look beautiful and then criticize them the second their backs were turned was easier to relate to than, say, Ryan Seacrest’s strange appropriation of a British accent when speaking “flirtatiously” with Keira Knightley. As predicted, our favorite bitter, snarky duo seems to have managed to set up shop and get a word in edgewise about Nicole Kidman’s botoxed features. Although they chose AOL.com’s StyleList as their venue of choice over L.A. Public Access, that is a dummy red-carpet they’re sitting on, so it’s fair for us to say that we called this one.

Remarkably, and perhaps due to her low-profile podcast and conspicuously shorter running time (clocking in at around 7 minutes, as opposed to the duo’s former half-hour wrap-ups on E!), Joan is more disappointed in Hollywood than ever this year, seemingly spewing haterade at everyone from pregnant Jessica Alba (whom she compared to Barney the dinosaur) to Best Actress-winner Marion Cotillard, whom she responded to by screeching “Jean Paul Gaultier should be shot!”

Normally this dig at Jean Paul would cause us to turn on our cryptkeeper of the velvet ropes with pitchforks and flaming torches, but we can’t help but marvel at how she also managed to echo some of the comments from our very own Oscar party: in reference to Heidi Klum (“What the hell was she doing there?”), John Travolta (citing that his hair looked like a “Chia Pet®”), and Tilda Swinton (“She looks just like David Bowie”) in particular. Our favorite comment from the 7-minutes-in-Joan-and-Melissa-heaven hit when it came Ellen Page’s turn at ridicule. Referring to her dumpy, black ensemble, Joan reasoned that “unlike her character in Juno, she ain’t gonna score tonight.” ZZZZZZZING!

Now that it’s so cool and mainstream to be gay, you might think gay jokes weren’t funny anymore. You’d be wrong! The sight of two avowedly straight men pretending to be gay together is still a laugh riot on late-night TV, particularly when the men involved are Jimmy Kimmel and Ben Affleck and one of them is wearing a shiny spandex shirt. We’re sort of impressed/bothered by all the A-List cameos like Brad Pitt, Harrison Ford, Cameron Diaz, and a few C-listers like Huey Lewis and Lance Bass who join in a We Are the World-esque recording studio bit.  It may be that, in a few decades, clips like this will start to look like old Al Jolson movies look to us now. Or it may be that, for the crowd that chooses to watch Jimmy Kimmel before settling in for some disgusting and sad heterosexual lovemaking, jokes like this won’t ever get old.

Good morning Upper East Siders! Although Gossip Girl may be off the air vis-à-vis the writers’ strike it’s refreshing to know that somebody is still snapping photos of the show’s cast for gossip blogs, keeping rabid obsessives such as ourselves at bay. In what may be the gayest curiosity of Oscar-night, purported friends Chace Crawford and former *NSYNC closet-case JC Chasez were spotted getting very cozy at Elton John’s annual Academy Awards bash. Sources claim that the two spent the evening virtually joined at the hip, making us wonder if we should begin playing around with acronyms for a new IT-couple. “Chace Chasez”? “Chacez”? Hit the jump for the photos while we ponder who’s on top and whether or not JC will feel inspired to jump on the “man-bangs” bandwagon for which Chace is (evidently) the lovely and talented spokesmodel.

It’s no secret that Zac Efron is maybe, potentially, definitely, seriously, and/or actually a homosexual. Ever since he began serving gayface to a whole new generation of closeted tweens and the babysitting fag hags that love them in productions like High School Musical, Hairspray, and High School Musical 2 (need we highlight his genre-of-choice?) we’ve been furrowing our brows in his general direction with a “this oughta be good” choral refrain that would put any cast of Disney child slaves to shame. Hell, even the kid himself acknowledged how obvious it is in his interview with Details.

When a photo emerged on the web this very A.M. with startling composition of a shirtless Efron butterfly-kissing (and slurping his mouth all over) the face of another shirtless twink, self-congratulatory smirks stretched across gay faces like ours all over America. While it’s worth pointing out that the trucker-hat-wearing gay youth in question could very well, possibly be somebody else, we think anything that keeps this dialogue alive and fresh before Zac takes any further steps toward becoming Jared Leto is worth posting and scrutinizing until the Queen Latifahs come home. Without further ado… THE BIG GAY PHOTO!

Paris Hilton’s hard-partying younger brother was released from jail today after landing in the drunk tank on charges of suspicion of driving while intoxicated. His parents refused to post bail in favor of “tough love” despite the fact that they have, in the past, publicly held their daughter Paris’ skeletal, bronze-streaked hand through her own more publicized stints behind bars. Could it be that the Hilton family is turning the cold shoulder to their son because he’s gay? Author and former club kid James St. James posted the following allegation on The WOW Report yesterday, raising our eyebrows and our hopes (’cause if Barron is following in his sister’s drunk footsteps, might we have a gay sex tape in our future?):

“When I was in Vegas over New Year’s I met a guy who SWORE to me that he had just been partying with Paris Hilton and her little brother Barron, and that Barron was a BIG LADY! YES! In fact, the two of them had “fooled around,” and the next morning, my friend woke up wearing Barron’s clothes, whatever that implies. I just thought I would throw that little story out there in light of today’s news of his arrest. Plus, he’s awfully cute, so I HOPE it’s true.”

That makes all of us. After the jump, check out some other recent “are they or aren’t they” headlines that have had us guessing and instant-messaging.

…Or so we’d think after hearing the news that every fag’s favorite country singer and living cartoon Dolly Parton was forced to cancel her upcoming tour due to back-related health problems. We imagined sweet Dolly might be holed up in Dollywood with a thermometer in her mouth, being tended to by plaid-clad farmhands in straw hats and serenaded by bluebirds, while Disney flora and fauna from around her windowsill weep with worry, until her press release reminded us that not even lugging around two triple-H cups with a back-brace can get our good old girl down!