Sword Says

When GayVN-winning director Jett Blakk sent us the porno How To Seduce A Straight Man, we were curious if we could use it to replicate his success. Three black eyes later, we filed suit against the director. Turns out, we were doing it all wrong. As part of his settlement, Jett Blakk agreed to give us actual tips for seducing straight men. While courage, both liquid and otherwise, is in involved in these recipes, we have to say they work better than the penis in the popcorn trick that nearly resulted in a situation that would have required Romaine Patterson to save us.

Now that the Writers’ Guild of America has voted overwhelmingly to end their strike and trot on back to work today, the gay world can exhale knowing that the Oscars, our own very special Super Bowl, will proceed as planned.  Also, it becomes clear that God must love us-despite what Governors Romney and Huckabee would have you believe-because the end of the strike also means that several more of our favorite shows will be returning by April and we won’t be stuck with nothing on earth to live for besides Top Model.  After the jump, our top five reasons not to reach for the Seconal and end it all just yet.

Oh, what a gay week it was! In between fashion week parties, Marc Jacobs’ assorted scandals, and Cher‘s diva meltdowns during Grammy practice, there were actually some photos taken that we feel emerged at the top of the big, flaming, online-media heap. From mesh-covered Manson fans to John Mayer in a major one-sy, we chose ten faggy photos that will be burned into our retinas for longer than we care to think about. After the jump, see who made the top ten on our gaydar for the unbearable workweek of February 4th through 8th!

“From the studio of real men comes a real smell,” reads COLT’s catalogue copy for their new Alkyl Nitrite product, FUEL. In the second most exciting product release of 2008 for throwback fags born two decades too late, COLT has paired up with time honored video-head cleaner manufacturer Lockerroom (“experience the rush” of clean videotapes!) to produce this leather cleaning solution that will have your head swimming and your anus gaping in no time.

American Apparel is well-known for its risqué ad spreads featuring some of Los Angeles’ youngest and most agile young girls romping around in leotards, oftentimes topless. When is it, we’ve wondered, that it’ll be possible to drive down Sunset and see equal opportunity skin displays on billboards? When is Dov Charney going to throw us a big gay bone and feature some hot unknown guys in their ads, bending over and romping with equal abandon, perhaps in their ubiquitous AA multi-colored briefs? It seems the long overdue endeavor is finally in the works, courtesy of our favorite fag-rag, BUTT Magazine. “American Apparel is cruising for some new faces (and other body parts) to star in its advertisements in the upcoming issues of BUTT,” the magazine’s website recently posted. BUTT readers (and registered Buttheads) are encouraged to send in their own snapshots showcasing swag from the cotton-basics-whore-store and if chosen, will receive a $300 shopping spree at their local American Apparel retailer and see their image published as an advertisement in an upcoming issue of BUTT.

UPDATE:The Gays: American Apparel Boy Pix, Unsplayed (Gawker)

Designer Marc Jacobs will be unveiling more than his Fall 2008 collection on Friday-according to a source close to porn star Erik Rhodes, it’ll also be the debut of his new polyamorous relationship with Rhodes and fellow porn star Jason Preston. “This Friday will be their first outing together,” the source tells The Sword. “They’re going to take it public at the show.”
It looks like Michael Lucas isn’t the only porn star commanding real estate on Page Six these days…

Of all the industries to court the gay dollar, alcoholic beverage companies were first in line — and it’s a natural match because fags are all sad drunks in the end (jk!). Earlier, we looked at some print ad atrocities committed by Anheuser-Busch in the name of Bud Light.  Now we come to you, after the jump, with some examples from another longtime diet beer marketer in gay publications, Miller Lite. Miller Brewing Companies stepped into the gay fray as early as the 70s as a sponsor of San Francisco Pride festivities, and later as a loyal sponsor of the Folsom Street fair’ sponsorship which they had to quietly backpedal from in 2007 over controversy spawned by a certain Last Supper-themed promotional poster.

Nick Denton, Gawker Media founder and current Managing Editor of Gawker.com, yesterday dissed friend Aaron Hicklin’s decision to leave his job at the arguably more relevant Out in order to become Editorial Director for Planet Out Magazines–a job which Denton assumes will include the shutting down of The Advocate.  The nation’s first ever magazine for homophiles saw us through Stonewall and disco and AIDS and Will & Grace–maybe it’s outlived its relevance? 

Angry ficus Romaine Patterson won’t get off our backs and we’re worried a bit about her stability! After bearer-of-bad-news Jason Curious alerted the two to our predictions for their GayVN hosting highlights, Romaine suggested on air to gal-pal Derek Hartley that she’d attack us at the awards. We take back what we said about this event being boring!

“I’ll punch him in the face and show him what a hate crime is!” the new mom steamed. Moments later, Romaine threatened to bitch slap our erstwhile defender Jason Sechrest, while maintaining that she was not, in fact, a humorless lesbian.When she giggled at the suggestion of one caller’s offer to cut our throat, we finally believed her. Whoa! Those hormone treatments sure can make a gal angry. Derek would have grimaced if his face hadn’t been frozen in 2004.

Sirius Radio hosts Derek Hartley and Romaine Lettuce shot back at us today for us calling them houseplants. We issue the following retraction: it was rude to refer to their looks when we had so much material about them being boring. No offense!  (BTW, Derek, Puffins are small, cute sea birds… did you just call your co-host fat? For shame! We just meant she looked like a muscular penguin.)

Jason Sechrest, our favorite Judy Garland-impersonator and passer-along-of- bad-news, kindly pointed out to the two radio hosts via IM
that they weren’t going to get a warm response in San Francisco, at
least as far as The Sword was concerned. Not entirely true!

Nightcharm, one of our favorite websites, recently highlighted the work of French artist Benoît Prévôt, who’s kind of like what Tom of Finland would be if he’d existed at the turn of the last century and drew illustrations for Gentlemen’s Quarterly.  Prévôt’s artwork is male erotica, but set against a backdrop of Gilded Age glamor and style.  Also: crazy penis fountain!

The first in a two-part series looking at new online personals/matchmaking options for gays in the market for a relationship. This part: the advertising push.

If being single on a frigid, rainy night isn’t bad enough, the non-monogamously inclined in San Francisco now have to deal with insecurity times a thousand at the Castro underground MUNI station:

Remember that scene in Go (1999) where Sarah Polly sells Benadryl to those teenagers and tells them it’s E and they sit in the van an hour later going, “I think I feel something!” and “Is it, like, a wave, or more of a zoom?” That was funny.

Ecstasy was super hot in the 90s, but judging from the pile of orange slices on offer at the last circuit party we breezed through (guest list, stood horrified, left within twenty minutes), and the way those twinks were rubbing each other like demented kittens in line for the bathroom, amateurs are still rolling in droves.