“Nuke” was forced to keep things at a hand-holding level until they
finally debuted a kiss beneath mistletoe… but the camera panned up.
After delivering something a little more satisfying (see image above) their
appearances have become more and more seldom. Could the network be
self-censoring? Are advertisers pressuring CBS to tone down the
gayness? More is certainly in demand whatever the de-gaying case. Maybe
YouTube user artgurl101 says it best in her comment on one of the couple’s many viral clips from the show:
They’re [sic] storyline is starting to bore me. Couples
kiss..I hate how the straight characters boink every 5 seconds and Noah
and Luke can’t even get some kisses!
But then again, as KevinGarrettSocks points out:
It’s called “The Real World” where some gay people
actually do feel shame about being gay. Don’t condemn them for simply
reflecting reality. Sorry to bust your pink bubble but this is Earth,
not Planet Unicorn.
The debate over Planet Unicorn
will undoubtedly rage on for some time to come. In all seriousness, we
understand that progress takes time and until we get some shirtless
groping, a 90-second tongue kiss and some half-hard boners, we’ve
decided to look back upon some of daytime television’s past queer
Bianca Montgomery and Maggie Stone
All My Children (ABC)
Portrayed by actresses Eden Riegel and Elizabeth Hendrickson, respectively, Bianca and Maggie were daytime TV’s first lesbian supercouple and the most in-demand homosexual pairing in soap opera herstory, though their relationship was never consummated before our grandma’s eyes. Originally brought on as AMC character Frankie Stone, Hendrickson was axed from the series when her character’s relationship to Bianca became a little too lezzy for censors. After receiving harsh criticism from viewers, LGBT organizations and the New York Post for being a homophobic decision, the network brought Elizabeth back this time as Frankie’s long-lost identical twin Maggie (also, though she needed coaxing, a lesbian). After an exquisitely crafted romantic build-up and subsequent courtship, Bianca was raped and conveniently became pregnant so that she could remain asexual onscreen. Before they inevitably broke up, Maggie went back to being straight, and Bianca moved away to Paris. Three years of long, drawn out, lesbian romantic tension isn’t so bad, though. But at the same time it sounds completely like the worst thing on earth.
A longterm straight character on Passions, Chad over here turned gay in 2007 after his wife (whom he rescued from the treacherous Alistair who’d tried to convince her to help him take over the world following a rift in her and Chad’s relationship prior to that), caught him having an affair with tabloid reporter Vincent Clarkson. Presumably a bisexual character, Chad infamously pleaded to his friend Ethan at the Blue Note Cafe, angrily and firmly telling him “I’m not gay” which became a running gag on E!’s The Soup, in which host Joel McHale would mockingly refer to him as “Not Gay Chad.” Having made something of a problem for themselves with this storyline, NBC knocked actor Charles Divins off by having Chad shot in the chest by his father, before finally declaring his love for his estranged wife Whitney in his dying gasp.
General Hospital (ABC)
The character of Lucas Jones originally appeared on General Hospital in 1989 as a young boy, the adopted son of Dr. Tony Jones and Bobbie Spencer. After a lengthy custody battle between his adoptive parents, his biological parents and his wicked aunt and uncle, Lucas was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. His father did what any doctor would do to their son and shipped him off to someplace called “diabetes camp” so that he wouldn’t need to be on the show very often. Fast-forwarded about 15 years, he returned, played by a new actor, Ben Hogestyn (pictured), came out of the closet and began a G-rated relationship with a character named Guy Tucker. Confused about where to take this stock character turned gay-phenom, General‘s writers did what anyone would do: they subtly stopped putting his character on the show with no explanation as to where he went. Isn’t it convenient how the gay guy just vanished? Don’t you wish that would happen in real life? If only it were that simple: being that this is a soap opera character, he could potentially return in the future should plots like “Nuke” on As the World Turns revolutionize the genre. Now that we mention it, any of the above characters could return in the future as well, because in daytime-land people come back from the dead all the time, often with completely new faces. We’ll be sure to not be watching!
One Life To Live (ABC)
Perhaps the most realistic gay character on this list is Daniel Colson, Llanview’s district attorney. By all accounts straight and married to Nora Hanen, Daniel harbored a dark gay secret and murdered two people when they blackmailed him about his affair with a young college boy, tried to blame it on his son’s girlfriend, and was busted and sent to prison. At least ABC is keeping it diverse. The End!
One Life To Live (ABC)
Look! It’s Ryan Phillippe! Did you know that he was the first gay teenager to inhabit the sudsy soap opera realm in all of soap history? As Billy Douglas, Ryan got to come out of the closet, do something relating to an AIDS quilt, and promptly leave so that he could be in movies like I Know What You Did Last Summer and Cruel Intentions through which he would become typecast as a womanizing prick. Let the record show that Ryan Phillippe, is in fact, a versatile top.
Last But Certainly Not Least, We Need to Talk About ZARF (Formerly Known As Freddie Luper, and Finally “Zoe”)
All My Children (ABC)
Hey, take a look at that far-out tranny! He/She’s a rockstar millionaire who rocked Pine Valley’s world like a modern day Ariel in The Tempest. Clearly played by a male actor (Jeffrey Carlson), the mysterious Zarf came to town as a male drag queen musician who licensed his music for Fusion cosmetic advertisements (in exchange for lip liner?) before confusing everyone with frequent shifts of guise, creeping out his colleagues by meditating in the nude, and routinely performing some of his star-making hits. On the show for a pretty brief period, Zarf made a BIG SPLASH and suddenly his tranny name became a new verb for androgyny among media-savvy bloggers and housewives alike. Leave it to daytime TV to give the first transgendered person on a soap opera a name that sounds like it came from outer space that rhymes with “barf”… but we digress. After falling in love with lesbian Bianca (remember her?), Zarf decided to pursue a new life as “Zoe,” began gender reassignment (endocrinologist and all!), and then returned to London to complete the process. In true soap fashion, we can’t wait to see her come back, as portrayed by a gorgeous blonde actress.
Cosmo, Girl? The New Gay Minstrelsy
A source has leaked details to The Sword about a new fucky fucky extension that will not be beholden to any of Apple's pearl-clutching restrictions.
I don't take sex seriously enough to commit to a Master/slave dynamic, so instead I'll just read this new blog written by a 39-year-old British sub slut named Fang.
1. You know it's a leather orgy when everyone takes a moment between foreplay and fucking so they can put their clothes back on.
When I discovered that a friend of mine trims his chest hair, I told him to think of the children in Africa who have no chest hair to shave in the first place. Now I've found a fur-obsessed Photoshopper who is helming the good fight against body shavers everywhere.
The hypothesis: you can put a shitload of condoms on a dildo. The conclusion: you can put a shitload of condoms on a dildo.