Dead Gay Cardinal to Be Made Patron Saint of Pass-Around Party Bottoms

“There is little doubt that Newman and St John were gay
and had a loving, long-term same sex relation ship. It is impossible to know
whether this relationship involved sex. It is conceivable that both men had
a gay orientation but chose to abstain from sex. Abstinence does not alter a
person’s sexual orientation.”

The Church of course claims that Newman and St. John were “just friends,” and a church press secretary goes so far as to say, “The bodies do not lie side by side. The coffins are separated by
about three feet of earth.” 

Anyway, neither Tatchell nor the Vatican have suggested what Newman will be made the patron saint of.  Apparently drug addiction, hangovers and venereal diseases are all covered (by Saints Maximillian Kolbe, Bibiana and Fiacre respectively–the latter is also patron saint of hemorrhoids sufferers, gardeners and French cab drivers… heh). So, just in case anyone cares, we nominate a group of sinners that has gone far too long without a patron saint to pray to while sitting in the clinic waiting for test results: pass-around party bottoms.

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