Five Reasons Why You Must Vote For The Sword To Co-Host The Grabbys

As confirmed last week, gay porn stars Adam Killian and Tom Wolfe will join Chi Chi LaRue and Honey West to co-host this year’s Grabby Awards in Chicago on Memorial Day Weekend, and today, fan voting has begun to determine a 5th co-host. Yes, having five people hosting a gay porn awards show is obviously five people too many, but that’s why the Grabbys is considered the “fun” awards show; with so many people up on stage, at least one of them is bound to be a mess. And that is why you have to vote for me to be the 5th co-host. Let me be that mess! After all, you can’t spell “mess” without “me.”

Here are the top five reasons why you must vote for me to co-host the Grabbys:

1. I fit the Grabby’s one and only requirement, and that is that the co-host be “male.” (Save your jokes, queens.)

2. I will “keep it real” (i.e., I will be drunk) and make jokes about porn stars. Granted, they’ll be bad and unfunny jokes, but at least I will be unpredictable/a trainwreck.

3. No one really likes me or knows who I am. You’ll just love the awkward tension, dirty looks, and maybe a drink thrown in my direction. Vote for me.

4. I can read. Not to toot my own horn, but I know how to read. Have you been to a gay porn awards show and sat through a porn star trying to read a list of nominees? I have, and I’ve heard more articulate diction at a daycare for retarded babies. If you want someone who can pronounce “Alexsander Freitas” after drinking seven shots of Jäger, vote for me. Shit, if you want someone who can pronounce “Landon Conrad,” vote for me.

5. If you take a screenshot of your sent email indicating your vote for me, print it out, bring it to the Grabbys, and show it to me, I will buy you a shot (of water).

Vote for me by sending an email to GRABVote@aol.com (yep, AOL) and simply typing “I vote for The Sword to co-host the Grabbys.” You won’t regret it! (Yes you will.)

 

14 thoughts on “Five Reasons Why You Must Vote For The Sword To Co-Host The Grabbys”

  1. I voted for you. I’m not taking a screenshot. I don’t want your water. What I do want is humiliating shots and captions, custom Zach Sire insults, and for you to finally get laid.

  2. Christine Marinoni

    I already voted for Chris Porter-Potty to host. (No, I didn’t) This way, you get a host… and a “musical performance” too! (No, you won’t. Unless you call him “talk-rapping” over a pre-recorded track about needing to defecate “music.” And I think it’s pretty clear no one does.)

    1. That sounds like it would be hilarious! I already used my one vote per email address on Zach though. Hmmmn… time to break out the backup accounts?

      1. Christine Marinoni

        Uh, at least two reasons (I can think of immediately):
        1. Chris Porter-Potty sounds similar to Port-o-Potty.
        2. This is a boy who spends hours tweeting about his “rap career” – and then seems to only “rap” about needing to defecate. So a toilet-based nickname seems overwhelmingly appropriate.

        Oh, and perhaps there’s something waste-like about the shrub on his chin, and/or his overall “I’m the (little) man” attitude.

  3. Zach, for the love of God please tell me that you’re not trying to imply that Tom Wolfe is illiterate? Because if you are I may just have to kick your scrawny little behind into oblivion. He’s one of the most articulate people I’ve ever spoken to. I know he blows most porn stars out of the water when it comes to being able to carry on a conversation. And he carries on an excellent one at that.

    I don’t think we’ll have to worry about him mispronouncing any names at the awards show. Good luck on stumping to be the missing link cohost. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you. But only if you play nice. What am I saying? I know better. ;)

  4. I don’t know… Dog Hudson offered to tea bag everyone who voted for him a few years ago. You’re gonna have to earn it. A video of you in an embarrassing or compromising position might be worth my vote (no nudity please, I couldn’t handle that). ;-)

  5. My predictions:

    1. If you’re not picked, you’ll be funky.
    2. If you’re picked, you’ll be funky.
    3. You’ll grab the mic and make a speech how “It Gets Better” is evil as shit.
    4. As a host, you’ll demand Tommy Defendi makes out with you.

    You got my vote.

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