Not that we’re complaining. If we really wanted a heart-wrenching coming out story, we’d call our father. Save the speeches for the PFLAG meeting: we just wanna get laid. Of course, there IS a chance that your hard-earned gay dollar might land you in some depressing black-and-white rumination on the plight of cancer-plagued gays in Serbia, so we took a stroll through the catalog to try to figure out your best chances for recreating a night at the Bijou… in the Castro Theater.
It’s called Solos, okay? They might as well have called it Auditions, or Minute Men or Falcon Alone With… Sure, it purports to be the a touching story of the love-affair between a male teacher and male student in Singapore, but the press copy also boasts that it got banned in it’s home country for sexual-explicitness. Screw the popcorn and bust out the lube. Bonus: no dialogue!
The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror
Horror movies are just nudie cuties with tight shots and a little blood. Oddly the camp element may make it less likely that we’ll actually get some low-light lovemaking, but we’re pretty sure you’ll get some Kim Catrall-ish drag queen ogling a naked fratboy somewhere in the second act. It features porn star Michael Soldier in a supporting role, and as a draggish-queen at that (playing against — or with — type?), so we’d bet on a little butt action to boot.
The Lost Coast
Well, this is saying something. It’s the only the third movie we’ve looked at in the catalog and the first sentence contains the phrase “sexually charged” and it takes about fifty more words to get to “foursome.” Like a true porno, it’s non-linear.
Saturn in Opposition (Italy, 2007)
This documentary cuts to the chase: it’s about 70s porn idol Jack Wrangler, who was butch when the phrase still applied to people other than lesbians. If anyone complains about you tugging a lug, pretend to be FTM and call them a sex-negative homophobe. (See the trailer here.)
Otto; Or Up With Dead People (Germany, 2007)
The day that Bruce LaBruce gives us a movie that doesn’t creep us out AND give us a boner is the day we stop going to film festivals altogether. Not only has he shot stuff like Hustler White and No Skin Off My Ass, he’s also shot hardcore porno. The trailer actually makes us sick to our stomachs, but if no one shows a little leg in this freakshow, we’ll blow you. (See the trailer here.)
Were the World Mine (USA, 2008)
A baby theater fag imagines starring in a Midsummer Night’s Dream at an all-male academy imagines that the rugby players are actually go-go boys.
Um, there’s more, but we don’t really have time to get into the Fun in Boys Shorts or the Filipino sex-show romance Unspoken Passion or the Italian Manhunt drama Ciao because, like, you know you’re going to get legs in the air or a twink in a bathing suit in pretty much every shot. Even that Derek Jarman is as dry as it seems, is going to have enough clips from Sebastian and “Caravaggio” to let you rub one out. Get your tickets and bring a date: you’re getting some tonight, son.
Frameline (Official Site)
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