Hey guys, it’s me Mark. I recently attended a local Invention Convention and I stumbled upon some products specifically targeted at me, other gays, bisexuals, and maybe some fucked up straight people. I hope you guys are as excited for this stuff as I am! First, let me tell you about cum-flavored toothpaste.
Marketers know that a gay homo male loves nothing more after a long day of werquin it than coming home to his contemporary (which he still mistakenly calls “modern”) flat on the east side and cracking open a cold, fat cock full of cum. Marketers also know most of us just can’t stand the taste of cum. GOD, how badly have we needed a product that would get us used to the taste of cum? Well, we’re in luck. Introducing “Semen Fresh,” a new toothpaste that marketers and engineers and other scientists swear will help you to love the taste of cum in just three days, or your money back. This product is set for release later this year, with a kid’s version set to hit the shelves in spring 2013.
Spray-On Viagra Condom
Putting on a condom is hard. I know I’d rather just pretend to put one on, swallow the condom, and fuck a guy raw then even attempt to slip and slide a slimy, flimsy bag over my receding erection. But, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO RISK HIV/AIDS DUE TO HARD TO USE CONDOMS! All I have to do is take a second and shake up a can of patent-pending “Viagra Condoms” (that’s the medical term for a liquid latex spray laced with sildenafil), then spray it on my hard penis. It only takes one second to dry. So, that’s a total of TWO seconds, AND the Viagra additive keeps you hard for hours in case you have to fuck more than one bottom or are a perpetually flaccid gay-for-pay porn star. This product is set for human trials starting next summer.
iPad Running Armband
I know I can’t go anywhere without my iPad, so the thought of having to leave my iPad behind where my cats could touch it or someone could break into my modern condo (it’s mod for being in the Tenderloin) and steal my baby just breaks my heart. NOW I DON’T HAVE TO, BOOM: iPad armband for runners and people who run. How did they come up with this?! The engineers behind this ingenious piece of athletic wear have just recently started a Kickstarter, so be sure to donate and get this thing on the market pronto!
14 Again: Anal Whitening, Tightening & RECTifying Marvel Cream
Finally, the product I’m most excited about (for my friends, not me) is this new product from India: “14 Again: Anal Whitening, Tightening & RECTifying Marvel Cream.” Indians are obsessed with assholes and pussies, as they recently released “18 Again,” a vagina thing to make ladies with flappy boxes feel like they’re 18 again (cuz I guess that’s when most Indian women lose their virginity). And now, the same company also started making “14 Again” (cuz I guess that’s when most Indian men lose their ass virginity). It not only whitens, but it also tightens and RECTifies your flappy poop chute. Watch for this one, whores; it should be out in time for the Apocalypse.