Gay Porn Tips: How To Stalk A Porn Star Via Their Amazon Wishlist

Today’s installment of Gay Porn Tips comes to us from special guest blogger Nick The Pornpup.

Fortunately for you, yes, he can! (Then again, how low I have set the bar around here?) Here is Nick’s take on how to stalk a gay porn star by buying him shit off his Amazon Wishlist.

How To Appropriately Stalk A Porn Star Via Their Amazon Wishlist

Remember when stalking those most prized and revered of gays, the bubble-butted porn star, was a hobby/occupation that required focused commitment and guile? You’d have to unravel the anagram of their stage name to discern their first pet’s moniker, scour pet cemeteries for the deceased feline, and then bribe a clerk to pass on an address. After investing all that energy into the detective work, you’d quietly break into their Studio City apartment and jerk out a frustrated load onto their sheets and/or new pet.

Alas, those days are no more. Social media has wrenched open the private lives of movie stars, politicians, and porn stars alike, with all sorts of shit-stained laundry tumbling out of the closet: porn star power couple breakups via Twitter, tedious protein diets via Instagram, cries for attention via Tumblr, and 4 am meth-sex sessions via Vine. It’s all too darned easy now. Stalking isn’t supposed to be easy. What happens when someone, anyone, can click a few ‘follow’ buttons and know as much about your future boyfriend as you do?

This is when you have to ascend to the next stage of creepster. Welcome, my friend, to the Amazon Wishlist. Because what could be more creepy than receiving an anonymous package directly to your door, from a person you’ve never met but whom you know imagines your face when they’re sliding a curling iron up their ass? Not much.

To be a Wishlist troll you still need to put some thought into your efforts, but luckily for you I’ve laid the groundwork. Here’s my list of Hell Yeah’s! and Gurl, No’s when deciding what to buy for your favorite gay porn star.

The NO
A pair of shorts: Do you really want him to go out and show off his lean/muscular hairy/smooth legs to all those WeHo wannabe-star-fuckers and find himself a boyfriend that isn’t you? No, I didn’t think so.

A Jock: Unless you can bribe the Amazon delivery man to jerk a fresh load onto the package before he delivers then this is a no-no (note: this doesn’t apply to Treasure Island Media models).

A flatscreen TV: What are you, his mother?

The Maybe
Protein powder: If you want him to get bigger pecs & arms and/or suffer uncontrollable flatulence that will give the editor of his next scene sleepless nights.

That exercise video they were in the background of, circa 2002: This will either remind them of their varied career or how fat they’ve got. It’s a tricky balance.

The Yes
Ipad: Spending this kind of money will give him a shiver down his spine that’ll tread the fine line between fear and excitement, thereby re-educating his nervous system to confuse agitation with elation. That’s music to a creeper’s ears.

Earphones: How can he avoid your bear-hug when he can’t hear you sneaking up behind him at the gym?

A silicone torso: Because Amazon doesn’t carry horse heads.

For bonus points, be sure to gift wrap your offering and include a note. Phrases to include are “My one true love,” “I know we’ll meet soon,” and “I’m right behind you.”

Good luck!
Nick The Pornpup

 

11 thoughts on “Gay Porn Tips: How To Stalk A Porn Star Via Their Amazon Wishlist”

  1. Stalking gay porn stars became obsolete the moment they became in and out prison trash. Respectable stalkers go for nice boys who go to bible study and help little old grannies to cross the busy street. Stalking gay porn stars is a myth like cumming without touching your dick or tasty microwave popcorn.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

The maximum upload file size: 50 MB. You can upload: image. Links to YouTube, Facebook, Twitter and other services inserted in the comment text will be automatically embedded. Drop file here

Discover more from TheSword.com

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading

Scroll to Top