I Do Therefore Izod: The Sword Looks at Gay Wedding Fashion

‘Izod’ photo courtesy of stutefish/Lori on Flickr.

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“Two Grooms”
OK, you gents get A’s for effort for renting tuxes. A good start. But remember when you were a kid and flipped through your parents wedding album and started laughing hysterically at your mom’s pictures because she had a silly beehive-style up-do? Well that’s the kind of response your haircut and plastic sunglasses are going to get, starting in like five minutes.

“Izod“
Charley and Mark are total hotties, and they’re *so* in love, we’re sure. Critics of gay marriage are saying that letting us get married cheapens the institution. It doesn’t. But you know what does? Throwing on a dirty, wrinkled shirt that you grabbed off the floor on your way to get married. There’s, like, dust-bunnies and underarm-deodorant stains on both their shirts. Come ON now.

“Lei’d“
Here’s something we saw a lot of yesterday: Guys wearing leis. We’re putting our foot down. We don’t care if you’re into fisting; the last think you should be wearing to your wedding is something that is going to remind the world of your prolapsed, inflamed rectums. Save it for your wedding night!

“Hologram“
OK, these two grooms look fine in their suits (although the bottom may want to see about adding a few extra inches of width to his suit arm… looks like his bulging biceps are cutting off circulation to his hands). Anyway, we’re a bit transfixed on the chick at the far right. In the leopard print. With the chain around her neck. We know it’s a “gay” marriage, but show some respect. This isn’t a Gem and The Holograms concert.

“Sailors“
OK, see the chick crying in the background holding the baby? Those
aren’t tears of joy. That butch dagger just clocked her in the face
because she thought she was checking out her new wife. Canadian
sailors are tuff like that.

 

“Capone“
We are so totally jealous of you two ladies. People are always grumbling about not getting to re-use a bridesmaid gown… but you get to reuse both a bridesmaid gown and a your Halloween 1988 Al Capone costume on the same day. Kudos.

“Tuxes“
Have you ever heard of gay twin theory? It says that basically gay 
boyfriends start to look like each other after a while. But these guys 
are taking it a step further… they’re both starting to look like 
their mom!  Weird.

“Stickers”

We’re not taking offense to the fact that you both wore your “Casual
Friday” shirts to get hitched. But what’s up with the stickers? Are
you going to put these “I got married today!” stickers in your
scrapbook next to “I gave blood today” and “I voted!”? Seriously.

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