From pilates to jazzercise, there’s no more excuse to sit on that ever-expanding ass of yours! Get up, get turned on, and move it with some of our favorite workout tapes (five of which we’ve provided and scored for your convenience). When you’re not popping your arms out of their sockets, you just might pop a boner.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Pumps His Chest, ca. 1975
Preparing for his sixth Mr. Olympia competition, the future governator of California shows off his workout routine through strange camera angles, pained grunts, a voice-over narrator and a peculiar soundtrack straight out of ’70s porn.
Gayness: B- Effectiveness: C- Eye candy: B+
Peter Adonis Works On His Abs (link)
Peter Adonis gets the job done in record time! His demonstrations might be too quick to catch, but there’s always the pause button. You might not be able to really get turned on by this demonstration (despite the fact that it’s produced by Randy Blue) but there’s always the rewind button! Why do we still feel left wanting more?
Gayness: A- Effectiveness: B- Eye candy: B+
Greg Plitt’s Chest Workout
Workout‘s latest personal trainer, the exquisitely buff yet excruciatingly dim Greg Plitt, shows how he gets his pecs to be in perfect shape. He’s got a bit of trouble either speaking or reading his cue cards, but it makes him all the more endearing when he commits to his workout and pulls out all the stops to make sure we know exactly what our body’s doing. Too bad we’d never pick up a pair of dumbbells even if it were a life or death scenario.
Gayness: C+ Effectiveness: A+ Eye Candy: A
Zeb Atlas and Mark Dalton Perform Dumbbell Curls
Porn studs Zeb Atlas and Mark Dalton show us that the pair that lifts together, sucks dicks together. Or, at least that’s what it seems like they’re about to do. YouTube has this video flagged because all of the muscle worship is a little too gay for their typical weight training audiences. Zeb also does a fine job at uttering sex noises while watching his partner pump that iron. Is it getting hot in here?
Gayness: A+ Extra Credit! Effectiveness: B+ Eye Candy: A+ (Gentlemen, we have a winner!)
Richard Simmons Wants You to Get Up out of That Chair, Fatso!
No workout post would be complete without the man who’s helped millions of ladies put down their piece of pie and pick up their thunder-thighs to a Motown beat: Richard Simmons! His high-pitched voice is just judgmental enough to motivate you to listen, until you realize everyone in your office is staring at you so you sit back down. But then Richard tells you to pick it up so you get up again! Then everyone keeps laughing! This is so embarrassing, and yet totally addictive. What a magic little man.
Gayness: A Effectiveness: A+ Eye Candy: F (lollipop pink tank tops don’t count.)
A source has leaked details to The Sword about a new fucky fucky extension that will not be beholden to any of Apple's pearl-clutching restrictions.
I don't take sex seriously enough to commit to a Master/slave dynamic, so instead I'll just read this new blog written by a 39-year-old British sub slut named Fang.
1. You know it's a leather orgy when everyone takes a moment between foreplay and fucking so they can put their clothes back on.
When I discovered that a friend of mine trims his chest hair, I told him to think of the children in Africa who have no chest hair to shave in the first place. Now I've found a fur-obsessed Photoshopper who is helming the good fight against body shavers everywhere.
The hypothesis: you can put a shitload of condoms on a dildo. The conclusion: you can put a shitload of condoms on a dildo.