If you thought this little cum-Dumpster only came with a mouth, an ass, or an ambiguous hole that doesn’t look like anything, you were right. But did you know that you can make your own? Fleshjack.com let’s you choose from over 70 combinations of user-friendly options! You can customize the case color, pick which sensations you’d like on the inside, and “select an orifice.” Just try turning down that invitation.
2. The Infamous ‘Hello Kitty’ Vibrator
This pervy little gadget was released a decade ago and marketed as a “shoulder massager”â€¦ that is, until Tokyo raver girls started shoving them into their party stations. The toy was re-called, an urban legend developed, and just this year the mythic pussy-adorned wand was re-released by the adult novelty toy retailer, LoveHoney. We haven’t had any erotic childhood flashbacks of this comic magnatude since we found a copy of The Little Mermaid with that golden boner on the front cover at Goodwill last weekend.
3. The “Euphoria”
Remember on BH9 (that’s Beverly Hills 90210 for those in the out-crowd), when Emily Valentine slipped Brandon that thinly-veiled portrayal of a tablet of ecstasy and they called it “euphoria” but spelled it “U4EA”? Now you can shove it into your eager, gaping, cock hungry butthole! Witness your g-spot feeling the euphoria, just like Brandon and Emily on the hood of that car! This is the pretty, shiny, cyberkinky suppository version of U4EA only it’s drug-free! So put that in your stocking and stuff it.
4. The Snowman Crop
Okay, so at first we thought to ourselves, “Wait a tick: somebody put some kind of felt cutout of a snowman on a popsical stick and now they’re making money off of it? As if!” But then we were all, “What if we were fucking a really hot elf at the North Pole and he needed something to spank us with?”
But then we realized we’d rather have him just shove 5. this ridiculously enormous candy-cane in our asses instead. Who’s got time for foreplay when you’re in the bathroom and everyone is already saying grace at the table?
6. Custom Just In Case Swarovski Crystal Compact
Alright faggots let’s get serious: girls get all of the pretty things in life. The makeup, the lip gloss, the jewelry, the fingernails, the hats, the gemstones, the gowns, the period blood, the lonely old age, and the childbirth are just some of the finer things in life we’re not allowed to touch. They even get some of the hottest guys on the planet and it’s just not fair! That is, until this company called Just In Case leveled the playing field. Introducingâ€¦ The Just In Case Swarovski Crystal Compact! We’re talking about a crystal-encrusted compact with a mirror that you keep condoms in. That means right when you’re about to shove your cock into some guy you just picked up at Metropolitan, you can whip out your compact, take a condom out, wink at yourself in the mirror, and pretend your Elizabeth Fucking Taylor in Butterfield 8.
7. The Incredible Edible Anus!
Because which anuses aren’t? Okay, don’t answer that.
8. Paul McCarthy Chocolates
And finally, something ambiguously homoerotic yet family friendly: Paul McCarthy’s Santa Claus chocolates. It might look like he’s hoisting up a Christmas tree, but it’s quite obvious to anyone with a toy closet that they’re 100%, bonafide chocolate buttplugs. Give this little work of high-calorie sculpture to your nieces and nephews and laugh about it with your whore sister-in-law who gets the joke! Isn’t undermining the intelligence of your relatives and silently mocking them and celebrating your own coolness, after all, what Christmas is about?
A source has leaked details to The Sword about a new fucky fucky extension that will not be beholden to any of Apple's pearl-clutching restrictions.
I don't take sex seriously enough to commit to a Master/slave dynamic, so instead I'll just read this new blog written by a 39-year-old British sub slut named Fang.
1. You know it's a leather orgy when everyone takes a moment between foreplay and fucking so they can put their clothes back on.
When I discovered that a friend of mine trims his chest hair, I told him to think of the children in Africa who have no chest hair to shave in the first place. Now I've found a fur-obsessed Photoshopper who is helming the good fight against body shavers everywhere.
The hypothesis: you can put a shitload of condoms on a dildo. The conclusion: you can put a shitload of condoms on a dildo.