1. Guy With an iPhone
Wear underwear, carry iPhone with arm extended, purse your lips, tilt your head and squint your eyes.
2. discrete masc dl married stud here for same
Put on a fake wedding ring, make large blurry pixels with beige construction paper and cover your face with them, stuff your pants to add an inch and a half to your cock, wear lifts to add an inch and a half to your height, speak tersely and pretend you’re a top until the very last moment, when you finally decide to try bottoming for the first time. (You’ll have douched before going out, of course.)
3. The Sword’s Twitter Account
Wearing clothing pins on your nipples, afix a sign to your face that reads www.twitter.com/theswordcom.
4. Guy You Blocked on Grindr
Dress up like this dude (pictured).
5. Ryan Raz’s biggest fan
Carry around a ziploc bag full of poop.
6. A Porn Blogger’s Penis
Rub your skin all over with sandpaper until it’s flaky and red.
7. The Advocate
Tape a picture of a straight actor or a female pop singer to your head, carry a picket sign about hate crime legislation, find a straight man who won an Oscar, then ask him which man he wants to fuck and whether he has a big cock because of his big Jew nose. (Which is not to suggest that the big nose big dick correlation is false, because it’s true.)
Carry arround battery acid, ephedrine, some bronchodialators and a propane cylinder, acetone, freon, paint thinner and anhydrous ammonia. At the end of the night, find a dark corner and lie on it face down with your raw ass up in the air, then set yourself on fire.
9. Sex ghost
Like a normal ghost, with holes in the sheet for eyes, but in this version there’s a hole for the penis too, and also the sheet is covered in dried lube and shit stains.
10. Man baby
A source has leaked details to The Sword about a new fucky fucky extension that will not be beholden to any of Apple's pearl-clutching restrictions.
I don't take sex seriously enough to commit to a Master/slave dynamic, so instead I'll just read this new blog written by a 39-year-old British sub slut named Fang.
1. You know it's a leather orgy when everyone takes a moment between foreplay and fucking so they can put their clothes back on.
When I discovered that a friend of mine trims his chest hair, I told him to think of the children in Africa who have no chest hair to shave in the first place. Now I've found a fur-obsessed Photoshopper who is helming the good fight against body shavers everywhere.
The hypothesis: you can put a shitload of condoms on a dildo. The conclusion: you can put a shitload of condoms on a dildo.