Orlando Soria is the gay fat cow in the picture above who hates himself because he is a fat gay whale, and he has written a Highly Controversial Blog Post in which he writes that All Gay Men hate themselves because they are fat. Even Orlando Soria admits that he is “fat by West Hollywood standards,” and All Gay Men can obviously identify with him. Like All Gay Men, Orlando Soria is surrounded by skinny, wealthy, popular, and beautiful gay men all day every day. Ugh, it’s so hard being gay, and fat!
Orlando Soria provides supporting evidence of his revelation about All Gay Men with an Easy-To-Read Top 10 List of Pictures of Sexy & Shirtless Bartenders and Brooding Fashion Models, which blames morbid obesity on advertisers, gyms, and being crazy.
“Why Gays Hate Their Bodies”
You should see my gym’s locker room. Everyone is a model. [T]here are naked dudes all over the locker room. Naked dudes with perfect bodies. Trust me, your gay boyfriend has taken a peek at those perfect bodies and he’s comparing you to them. Which is terrifying because they’re perfect. I’m getting scared just thinking about it.
Let’s face it, Gay [sic] people are better at life than straight people. They eat better, wear better clothes, and go on more glamourous vacations. […] Not only do we have to make tons of money to pay for all these stupid clothes and vacations, we also have to work out for hours on only 80 calories a day to prevent ourselves from being socially ostracized.
Because of all their money, intelligence, and free time, Gays [sic] love hobbies. Being manic about our bodies is just another activity to add to our list of Gay Cruises [sic], hipster-indie concerts, and gallery openings.
Gay men aren’t really fat, they are just delusional, materialistic, conceited, manic, and paranoid. Talk about burying the lead! There’s your article: All Gay Men are clinically insane.
As an FFK (Former Fat Kid) I’ve always identified as a fat person. But for some reason when I grew up all my friends became hot skinny people. This could be for many reasons. Maybe it’s because I am a terrible, superficial person. Maybe it’s because I live in a city and people who live in cities get skinny from running all over the place and going on trendy diets. Perhaps it’s because of my educational background at Ivy League schools, where everyone was obsessive compulsive about everything, from their grades to their caloric intake. I have no idea why everyone around me is so skinny.
Maybe it’s because you’re fat.
Sometimes I resent it because I tend to be the chunkiest person around and I’m not even fat. Sometimes I appreciate it because it inspires me to keep in shape and think of kale as an acceptable meal replacement. All of this will lead to me living a longer, healthier life, aside from the mental anguish that comes with not having perfect abs.
I am rich and I have hobbies. I’m popular and have a boyfriend. I live in West Hollywood and I’m deranged. I go to the gym and to art galleries. I’m intelligent. I’m fat. I’m gay. I am the voice of an entire class of people. I’m gay and morbidly obese. I have a mental disorder. I have a blog. Help.