Help: I’m Gay And I’m Fat


Orlando Soria is the gay fat cow in the picture above who hates himself because he is a fat gay whale, and he has written a Highly Controversial Blog Post in which he writes that All Gay Men hate themselves because they are fat. Even Orlando Soria admits that he is “fat by West Hollywood standards,” and All Gay Men can obviously identify with him. Like All Gay Men, Orlando Soria is surrounded by skinny, wealthy, popular, and beautiful gay men all day every day. Ugh, it’s so hard being gay, and fat!

Orlando Soria provides supporting evidence of his revelation about All Gay Men with an Easy-To-Read Top 10 List of Pictures of Sexy & Shirtless Bartenders and Brooding Fashion Models, which blames morbid obesity on advertisers, gyms, and being crazy.

“Why Gays Hate Their Bodies”

You should see my gym’s locker room. Everyone is a model. [T]here are naked dudes all over the locker room. Naked dudes with perfect bodies. Trust me, your gay boyfriend has taken a peek at those perfect bodies and he’s comparing you to them. Which is terrifying because they’re perfect. I’m getting scared just thinking about it.

Let’s face it, Gay [sic] people are better at life than straight people. They eat better, wear better clothes, and go on more glamourous vacations. […] Not only do we have to make tons of money to pay for all these stupid clothes and vacations, we also have to work out for hours on only 80 calories a day to prevent ourselves from being socially ostracized.

Because of all their money, intelligence, and free time, Gays [sic] love hobbies. Being manic about our bodies is just another activity to add to our list of Gay Cruises [sic], hipster-indie concerts, and gallery openings.

Gay men aren’t really fat, they are just delusional, materialistic, conceited, manic, and paranoid. Talk about burying the lead! There’s your article: All Gay Men are clinically insane.

As an FFK (Former Fat Kid) I’ve always identified as a fat person. But for some reason when I grew up all my friends became hot skinny people. This could be for many reasons. Maybe it’s because I am a terrible, superficial person. Maybe it’s because I live in a city and people who live in cities get skinny from running all over the place and going on trendy diets. Perhaps it’s because of my educational background at Ivy League schools, where everyone was obsessive compulsive about everything, from their grades to their caloric intake. I have no idea why everyone around me is so skinny.

Maybe it’s because you’re fat.

Sometimes I resent it because I tend to be the chunkiest person around and I’m not even fat. Sometimes I appreciate it because it inspires me to keep in shape and think of kale as an acceptable meal replacement. All of this will lead to me living a longer, healthier life, aside from the mental anguish that comes with not having perfect abs.

I am rich and I have hobbies. I’m popular and have a boyfriend. I live in West Hollywood and I’m deranged. I go to the gym and to art galleries. I’m intelligent. I’m fat. I’m gay. I am the voice of an entire class of people. I’m gay and morbidly obese. I have a mental disorder. I have a blog. Help.

[Why The Gays Hate Their Bodies]

 

20 thoughts on “Help: I’m Gay And I’m Fat”

  1. this post is super ridiculous, but it hits on a bigger point. the standard of beauty in the gay community. unfortunately even in 2012 we still have a euro centric ultra masculine standard of beauty in the gay community.this standard leaves many by the wayside. as an African American it sometimes feels like there isn’t a place for me in the gay community (which is often affirmed by lack of representation in gay porn, gay mags, etc.) i can only imagine what it must be like for Asian Americans and Middle Eastern Americans and Indian Americans who have less representation and are considered even more niche than i. i really think the gay community needs to reassess what beauty is and that there isn’t a universal standard.

  2. I am rich and I have hobbies. I’m popular and have a boyfriend. I live in West Hollywood and I’m deranged. I go to the gym and to art galleries. I’m intelligent. I’m fat. I’m gay. I am the voice of an entire class of people. I’m gay and morbidly obese. I have a mental disorder. I have a blog. Help.

    best assumption ever i love you zach

  3. Not that I paid much attention, but in school I learned that you aren’t supposed to start a sentence with “because, so, but, and and”. Yet, I see it happening everyday while reading the news etc. Is there an English teacher or professor in da house who can clear this up for me? Have the rules changed?

  4. Douchey says .....

    The 75 % of us who don’t look as decent as he does resent him for resenting the 25 % of the people who look better than him …. his boyfriend looks like a model ? His friends look like models ? And he posts that picture to ‘prove his point’ for others to “criticize” or “ogle”. C’mon …he’s being serious with that post …. and … He’s a douchebag, I say …..

  5. Zach I’m surprised you didn’t get the sarcasm and humor in his post since you post similar sarcastic shit like this all the time. I read the entire article and you can easily tell he was being humorous and tongue in cheek.

    1. Yes, he used some boring humor and a little sarcasm, but it was used in a way to advance his point, not to belie it. This wasn’t a “sarcastic” post, it was an earnest load of bullshit.

  6. Geesh, he should wait until he is 46, overweight, no hair, no sex life, piles, and on his 2nd mid life meltdown ten years after his first. Then he can look back whistfully… oh and in bed asleep by 10pm on a Friday night.

  7. this guy gives fat people a bad name. please dont write about him anymore..he’s just another mixed-up self-loathing gay which I can see plenty without reading or hearing it from him.

  8. Although I am skinny, I hang out with bears in San Francisco as opposed to the WeHo boys. The bears (and I) have our own neuroses, but at least they’re not as annoying as this guy’s. Shesh.

  9. Forgot to add: if nobody around you has this problem and you have, you probably don’t deserve yourself. Stop whining.

  10. It’s very easy: if I am the guy in the photo and there’s someone that thinks I’m fat, he doesn’t deserve me, neither as a boyfriend nor as a friend. Fuck, not even as an acquaintance.

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