“Hey U Up?” An Imagined Bromance Between Sean Hannity and Paul Manafort

Late last week, full SMS exchanges shared between convicted criminal Paul Manafort and known college dropout Sean Hannity over the course of 2017-2018 were unsealed by a court order. While many messages were tedious and eye-roll-inducing, some were downright bromantic, featuring many late night chats about how much the two men admired one another. The Sword read them all. And we were inspired!

 >

What follows is an imagined exchange between the two men (an erotic friend fiction, if you will), talking place somewhere around December of 2017:

 

“Hey u up?”  An Erotic Fox Fiction

 

He wasn’t asleep, but Sean had been laying in the dark room for almost twenty minutes, thinking about his friend and about all the things he would have to try and make happen in the days to come.

His phone buzzed on the nightstand next to his head, instantly casting green-blue light into the pitch black room. He didn’t like to admit it, but Sean was getting older, and kept his phone set to maximum brightness at all times.

“Hey u up?”

It was Paul.

He immediately started clicking out a reply.

“Yeh. Trying to sleep but not there yet. How r u?”

Sean fidgeted with the chat window to keep the phone from going to sleep while he waited for a response.

“U were awesome last night. Your show gives me so much hope,” Paul wrote back almost immediately. “U sleeping alone again?”

Sean sighed. The men had discussed their unique arrangements at length in the past and both knew that the other frequently slept in their guest room or office areas. Their wives no longer had the patience for being awoken constantly by phone calls or early mornings, and with careers and lives of their own, and it just seemed easier to keep things separate at night.

Marital sex had exited the picture years before, and – while he didn’t know about Paul (much as he might have wanted to) – Sean knew that he hadn’t had an orgasm that didn’t begin and end with his own chubby paws in over a year. What difference did it make if he was sleeping alone, if all that was ever going to happen was a fast, embarrassed jack off when the need arose?

“Y. Jill has a meeting in the morning. Its fine.”

“Same w/Kath. I prefer sleeping alone, but it’s hard some nights.”

Sean knew where this was headed. They’d had so many late night SMS exchanges over the past few months. Long confessions of personal information interspersed with pleas from Paul to find a way to exonerate himself on Sean’s TV show. Sean knew this wealth of information would need to be attended to – he needed Paul’s insider details on his case to maintain his audience’s attention. No other show or network had this kind of access to the Manifort trial, and Sean saw the inherent value of their friendship, even without the constant pressure from the show’s producers.
But he knew there was more going on than either of the men would admit to themselves, too.

 

“yeh you’ve told me about how *hard* it is before.”

Sean worried that sounded gay and immediately tapped out “lol” below it. Send.

“U would take it there,” Paul quipped.

 

[RELATED: Senator Mike Cauke’s Presidential Bid Ends In Gay Sex Scandal]

 

Maybe this wouldn’t be one of those nights, Sean thought to himself. He waited a moment before trying to craft a no-homo joke to return the volley.

“I don’t kn…” a new bubble interrupted before he could finish typing

“U naked?”

 

Or… maybe it would be.

“Nah. Cold here tonight.” Send. Sean waited. Then immediately followed up with “so I have sox on.” He chucked softly to himself at what he believed to be a clever retort.

“we could keep each othr warm if u were with me,” Sean was surprised at how forward Paul was being tonight. This wasn’t his usual style.

“R U Ok?” Sean clicked back.

“I just dont know what 2 do. I feel all alone. K doesnt want to be part of any of it.”

“Sorry. I know u r strong.”

“Thx. I’m just confused. Been hard all night 2”

Sean knew he was using the vague phrasing deliberately. Paul would never just say “I’m very horny,” instead masking it by possibly meaning that things had seemed difficult all night. But Sean decided to push him a bit and see where it might go.

“I’m hard right now. If u were here I would hold u in my arms untl you fell asleep.” Not much mistaking that one, thought Sean.

There was a long pause. He wondered if he had crossed the line. Or whether Paul had finally fallen asleep. He looked up at the clock in the menu bar. 1:37AM. He let the screen go dark and looked up at the ceiling.

He knew nothing would ever really happen between the two men. That it simply couldn’t for any number of reasons. This wasn’t vacation bible school, after all.

 

He also knew he knew they had accidentally veered too far into this kind of talk for him to cut it off completely without affecting his information source. He had a show to think about. Hell, a whole network to think about, if he was being honest with himself. The high profile firings and resignations at FOX had taken a toll on everyone, and the personalities (himself included) remaining felt tasked with making their shows more exciting, more divisive, and louder than ever before. He needed Paul.

But he knew that Paul needed him too.

He glanced back down at the phone in his hand to see it light up with a new message.

[Related: You’ll never believe Sean Hannity and smoking hot Christopher Meloni are the same age]

Unlock.

“would we be naked”

There was no question mark, and Sean wasn’t sure if that was intentional or not. He wanted to comfort Paul, but it was impossible to ignore the blood rushing to his chubby and fast-inflating penis.

“yeh bro. Of course.”

Sean reached down to adjust himself, and realized that saying that to his friend had brought him quickly up from inflating to fully boned, and he pulled his erection and his fat, hairless balls out the fly of his boxers. He rain his left thumb around the head of his penis and tried to imagine what it would be like to feel Paul’s own hardness pressed against his.

What would Paul think if he saw him naked? Would they kiss? That seemed over the line. Kissing would definitely be off limits.

Probably.

 

“I’m so hard rn. Is this wrong?” Paul asked. This time it was definitely a question.

Sean knew how this worked. He knew that these perfunctory questions served only to preserve their masculinity and hetero status to themselves. This wasn’t – any of it – about being gay, after all. They weren’t having gay sex or marching in those infernal parades or anything. This was two men who respected one another, sharing their respect in a primal way.

Sean let his mind wander again down this road; in some ways, it was more masculine to be able to share this fraternity. It was like the Greeks! And look at the Greeks! They had lives, wives and children, built whole societies! The Greeks weren’t fags. They just understood what respect really meant.

He realized he was masturbating in earnest now, not just stroking his glans. The Greeks always got to him. He knew Paul would be masturbating, too. He passed the phone to his right hand to try and type with just his thumb, while he played with his hard cock.

“u know it’s not about that. We’re both just stressed and I want 2 b there for u. I need this.”

“I respect u so much for being honest. On your show and w/ me.”

“I respect u 2.”

Sean couldn’t believe how little it took to wind him almost all the way to the top these days. He knew he wouldn’t last all night at this game. Or even another five minutes. He wished Paul were there to see him when he finally erupted.

He wished that anyone would be there to see it. It had been so long since he’d shared his lust with someone who seemed to enjoy it.

“I know ur a true patriot” Paul managed to click out to his boned up buddy in the dark night.

That was all it took. Sean felt his grip clamp down around his penis and his sperm begin to erupt from deep within his balls. “FUCCKKEN PATRIOT” he cursed through clenched teeth – his eyes smashed shut in agony and confusion. His semen poured out over his fist and down his hairy forearm. Sean was never a shooter, but he’d always made up for it in volume. Spurt after spurt, he huffed and stroked harder. Cum spilled down his arm and cascaded onto the sheets, onto his boxers, on to his now empty nuts. It was everywhere. He didn’t care.

“thanks bro. Don’t lose faith.” Sean typed. Even after wiping his cum covered hands on his chest fur, he could see the faint prints of sticky seed on his phone keyboard.

He wondered if Paul had managed to shoot as well, but couldn’t think how to ask. And he was tired now.

“I needed that” came the reply.

“needed *to hear* that” came the correction immediately after. Paul had shot. But he didn’t want to say anything gay about it.

“gnight” Sean typed, before laying the phone down on its face on the nightstand. He didn’t want to be awoke by it’s light later on. He rolled over to the far side of the guest bed, out of the puddle he had made.

 

He’d worry about the sheets in the morning.

 

 

---

Tyler Dårlig Ulv is an Ontario-based blogger and professional companion. He has worked for Rentboy.com, Manhunt, and contributed to publications like Queerty and Thought Catalog. You can follow him on Twitter and Instagram, or find out more about his work at his website and blog. Tyler lives full time in Toronto.