Erik Rhodes’ twin is posting his brother’s unpublished blog posts.
I feel like I’ve read some of this before (maybe this is from a draft and it was cleaned up for another post that he did end up publishing?), but it doesn’t matter. His original Tumblr was pulled down shortly after his death, and it’s great to hear his voice again.
i think its funny that I’m still younger than most of the guys i been directing. Maybe if it wasn’t for all the years of drug and steroid abuse I’d still fit into that Falcon mold? I guess when your in your early 20’s being reckless can be attractive… approaching 30 …you look sad. Sad doesn’t sell porn.
I watch these kids now starting out and i remember when i was is their shoes… i wish someone just told me to stay grounded cause one morning you wake up and you realize that your old news… you’ve wasted so much time that you won’t know where to turn. If it isn’t hard enough growing old in the gay community… i think you need to be extra secure with yourself in order to accept this fucking fate. Prepare yourself… you dumb porn star…
Lets face it… all the drugs were just a blanket for never being secure with myself… fuck, my liver and kidneys are rotting and i can’t stop trying to reach this impossible goal of self perfection… for what, for who? i still can’t have a conversation with a stranger without putting on an act…i tell myself you have to live up to this bullshit persona and i don’t know who i am anymore. It sucks to wonder who i could have been…
I’m not sure where this is all coming from… well i know, anxiety… but the company i spent my entire career with was sold and it scares me… not that i don’t like the people cause in fact, its a company i have admired for awhile… but its my awkward disposition in this industry… an aging porn-star and rookie director who rather hide than take the bull by the horns and ride that motherfucker into the dirt… how do you roll with the punches and retain your dignity?
I guess we’ll find out.