I Just Tested Positive For HIV At The Abbey In WEHO, But At Least I Got To Go In The Cash Grab Machine

Hey guys. After testing positive for AIDS last Sunday at The Abbey in WeHo, I have been getting drunk every day and living in complete denial. But in order to face facts and deal with reality, I decided to go back to The Abbey today and revisit the “scene of the crime” where I first found out that I had contracted HIV. And to my surprise, not only was that ugly HIV testing motorhome thing parked out front again, now there was also a giant glass box filled with flying money and flashing red lights.

As it happens, somebody already won that brand new car, so now they were letting everyone who got tested spend 30 seconds in the “Cash Grab Machine” to grab as much cash as they could, regardless of whether they tested negative or positive!

Given a choice, I would have obviously chosen 30 seconds in the Cash Grab Machine over being entered into a raffle to win a stupid car (and I also would have chosen being HIV negative over HIV positive!), so this was clearly very unfair. Why do some people get to experience the exciting thrill of going into a Cash Grab Machine while others merely get their name thrown in a hat to win a dumb Fiat? Obviously, I knew I deserved a shot in the Cash Grab Machine today, so I went ahead and signed up to get tested for the second time. And 15 minutes later, I found out that I had AIDS all over again! #ugh

I could tell that everyone at The Abbey and everyone inside the HIV testing motorhome felt super sorry for me because I just tested positive for AIDS, but what they didn’t know was that I already knew I had HIV and I was only pretending to look sad and surprised so that I could have my chance in the Cash Grab Machine! #sorryboutit

It’s been kind of a weird day, what with finding out that I have AIDS for the second time in a row and then having to pretend that it was only the first time and letting everyone at The Abbey buy me drinks, but I think having to go through the whole experience again has really helped me come to terms with being positive, and maybe now I’ll be able to deal with it. Or maybe I’m just drunk.

Either way, my mission of getting inside that Cash Grab Machine was successful. Yes, I’m HIV positive, but how many HIV positive people do you know have had the experience of going in a Cash Grab Machine? And, I’m happy to report that I pulled together $83 in 30 seconds. Talk about turning AIDS into lemonaids!

Here’s an amateur video of me inside the Cash Grab Machine just after testing HIV positive for the second time at The Abbey:


 

8 thoughts on “I Just Tested Positive For HIV At The Abbey In WEHO, But At Least I Got To Go In The Cash Grab Machine”

  1. Loving the plaid shirt, Zach! And in your happy dance at the end of your cash grab I can certainly tell those zumba lessons have been helping, not only your struggling with the weight gain after you underwent surgery for ‘the big change’ but with your rhythm too! (And the hormone shots seem to be working well, though I do think you could do something more attractive with your hair!)

    btw Zach, please forgive those who berated you for posting ironically about ‘this topic’ (the BIG ‘positive’ you know what I mean). Sometimes those of us in the hinderlands (i.e. anywhere other than WeHo centre)aren’t privy to the lengths that those responsible do-gooders will go to get people to wipe their own butt … oh, pardon, I mean take responsibility for not only their own health but the health of the Fri nite trick whose cell number (probably fake, anyway, right?) you used to wrap your used chewing gum after he pulled up his pants but before he left the stall at the Abbey last Sun nite.

    Anyway, irony is always under-appreciated so I sympathize with you. And I would have bought you a drink too! So would anyone who got as far as your cash grab video and was allowed in on the ‘real’ purpose of your post. But just one little bitty request as you continue to inform and entertain: keep telling the truth and shame the devil if you must! But keep your story straight please!!! (i.e. Reread the posts …. you interchange AIDS and HIV which is kinda like a Fox News story where distinctions don’t matter and whatever will get the greatest rise (and in this case amused lift of a well coffered eyebrow likely) passes for fact. IMHO in this case the distinction is still significant but do keep up your informative … and often entertaining … posts. There are too few well-intentioned satirists today … though there are yet many large mobs anxious to nail them to a tree!

    FOR ALL OF US, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! (And yes I’ll probably be bombarded by my trans-friends for following your lead to its inevitable conclusion but such is the fate of anyone who treads into the mine field of irony and satire!) As the RED QUEEN said so eloquently … “Off with their heads!”

    1. Effie's Big Dinner

      Zach, You’re an asshole!!!!!!!!!!! A cash grab machine killed my mother. I warned her thousands of flying Susan B. Anthonys at high velocity in a confined space meant certain death. Those coins julienned her. It was awful **Sniff** What’s wrong with you people?!

      1. So sorry about your mom, but did you at least get to keep the cash that she grabbed? And if so, how long did it cover your meth habit?

        1. Effie's Big Dinner

          Actually repetitive drug referencer, I donated every single suffragette to your Male Menses Mission. Urgent need to stop that burning, painful flow.

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