I Just Tested Positive For HIV At The Abbey In WeHo, But At Least I Might Win A Car

Hey guys, I just got back from day drinking at The Abbey, my favorite bar in WeHo. I’m a little buzzed right now and not quite sure what’s going on, but I think I just found out I have AIDS.

I’m sorry if this is all sort of confusing (imagine how I feel, I just found out I have AIDS!), but I wanted to sit down and blog and clear my head even though I’m still pretty drunk. Where do I begin? Well, I went to The Abbey with my BFFs Kayden, Aiden, Jayden, and Brayden this morning for our usual Sunday funday, but it ended up being not a very “fun day” at all after my HIV test came back positive. #ugh

Normally, we start with mimosas at The Abbey around noon and end up over at Fiesta Cantina having margaritas by 3 p.m. (unless that asshole bartender Brock is working, in which case we go to Micky’s next door and make fun of all the Asians), but before we even had our first drink, Aiden suggested that we get AIDS tests in this big motorhome thing outside the bar, “for fun.” The HIV test counselor, Brandyn, called us in one by one, and one by one Kayden, Aiden, Jayden, and Brayden came out holding up their negative HIV test results while smiling and shouting to everyone on The Abbey patio who was staring at the HIV motorhome, “Negative, bitches! Who wants to fuck this hole raw?!” So, imagine how messed up it was for me to come out last with my positive HIV test results and not be able to share the same good news? I was so embarrassed!

Luckily, Kayden, Aiden, Jayden, and Brayden didn’t judge me (to my face) for becoming HIV positive, and paid for ALL my drinks at The Abbey, which had to cost them at least like $80 each. #truefriends Then, as we were leaving, we saw that everyone who got tested for AIDS was automatically entered into a contest to win a 2012 Fiat, regardless of whether the test came back negative or positive!

I didn’t say anything to Kayden, Aiden, Jayden, or Brayden at the time, but I’m sorry, it just doesn’t seem fair to me that even the negative people have a chance at winning the car. Excuse me, but isn’t testing negative enough of a prize by itself? Winning the Fiat should be a prize for the people who tested HIV positive, as a sort of silver lining. I know if I had a new Fiat, it would be a lot easier to deal with this damn AIDS. Besides, Kayden, Aiden, Jayden, and Brayden already have new cars (Kayden and Brayden have Jettas, Aiden has a Mini Cooper, and Jayden has a Ford Fusion). I’m still driving a 2009 Corolla, and I have AIDS. #poor

Anyways, thanks for letting me vent to you guys. I just went to The Abbey and found out I have AIDS, but at least I might win a car.

 

27 thoughts on “I Just Tested Positive For HIV At The Abbey In WeHo, But At Least I Might Win A Car”

  1. This makes me sick.

    How dare you make fun of such a traumatic event – not for your dickhead Z but for someone who actually had to walk out of a van with a positive result, like myself.

    And how vicious and insensitive are the queens having a good laugh.

    Hey since you guys are so tough why don’t you all get together and go to your local mosque and makes jokes about Muhammed. I am sure you will find the audience reaction you deserve.

    1. Effie's Big Dinner

      GO AWAY, DONETTA DOWNER!!!

      I am headed to line up at Wal-mart. First 100–who submit to a rape kit and sign up for E-Z Pay–get a free new ipad and a chance to be the main course at HustlaBall’s Night of 10.000 Loads

      Haterz will hate!

        1. Try using Urbandictionary.com, Robbie. Maybe during the time it takes you to effectively translate it to your non-street vernacular the rest of us can enjoy a good laugh.

  2. As someone who has been positive now for going in three years I find the comments here quite disturbing. To joke about this epidemic is not cool. It is not a rite of passage. It is not a ticket to have all the bareback sex you want. It is not just a simple pill once a day for the rest of your life. The invisible vale has opened up Zach and now you will step through into a world of basically two extremes. It’s either you’ll go bat shit crazy and do all the alcohol drugs and random raw sex you want or you’ll try to be responsible and use this to educate people. I work in a elementary school in an inner city. One day I had to stop a student from hurting others. After being kicked, punched scratched and bitten the reality set it then I had to check to see if the student was bleeding as well because if he was I’d have to disclose so that he could be treated for exposure. Luckily he was fine but I was battered and bruised and the scare alone shook me to the core. Good luck Zach. I pray you go the responsible route

    1. Effie's Big Dinner

      Lord, queens! If the comedy or parody or irony does come in an obvious fifty-foot dong flying at their faces, they’re lost or offended.

      Ka-weenz!

    2. Zack was joking, Washingtonian. This post was one big tasteless and offensive joke–or, rather, an attempt at one–by our apparently increasingly unstable blogger.

      Good for you for taking the responsible route you mentioned. Basic decency still matters, at least to some of us.

      1. Saywhat and Washingtonian need to go back to reading Queerty. If we can’t laugh at AIDS, HIV, and drama queens then we can’t laugh. This is sardonic humor, and it is on a MOTHERFUCKING blog related to gay porn. Seriously, take your well groomed shitzu (sic) for another walk.

  3. Susan loves my gays!

    Oh my god,I feel the same way when I am watching a gay porn…. like what if they get the aids doing this… but then I look into their dreamy eyes and I know they love me and each other :0 kisses to all the gays …play safe OK!!

  4. LMFAO. Hilarious Zach. I always find it so odd and slightly disturbing when I’m out partying with friends getting hammered and some do gooder volunteer comes up to me with a clip board at a bar and says “Hey… you wanna get tested? If you do you’ll get a free drink!” Im thinking “If that test comes back positive alls I get is a fucking well cocktail?”. #buzzkill

    1. Actually you get a cocktail a day for the rest of your life.

      What a hilarious post. HIV/AIDS is a never-ending source of amusement. Emphasis on never-ending.

  5. genius post. haha, everyone should ask themselves why ‘they’ want you to get tested so badly that they give away a fucking car. everyone should really Look into and get the facts/truth about the HIV test.

    1. Oh, please enlighten us on what the nefarious HIV testing volunteers are really doing with all those swabs and vials of blood. I’m dying to know.

    2. Effie's Big Dinner

      Congrats Zach! Welcome to the real gay world. Your Treasure Island welcome kit with special edition Fort Troff pill cutter & limited edition Jeff Palmer bobblehead arrive in 7-10…I’m jealous

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