One of the perks(?) of being a guest contributor on The Sword is that all of the entertainment companies send me screeners of their gay reality shows, and I recently got a special insider exclusive sneak peek at several of this fall’s best(?) ones!
I sincerely hope that you guys are as excited to read about them as I was to watch them (my reaction after viewing them all is on the left).
Lady Gaga: Fame Whore
Airing on Bravo this September, Lady Gaga: Fame Whore follows every gay’s Guinea goddess, Gaga. Cameras follow Gaga around as she offers a behind-the-scenes view of some never-before-seen Gaga-isms, such as: Gaga eating a sandwich (the sandwich is made out of cigarette butts); Gaga washing her hair with a bowl of cereal and soy milk; Gaga taking a piss on the Vatican; Gaga’s select readings from the Necronomicon; Gaga going shopping in Hobby Lobby; Gaga becoming a Kabbalist; and Gaga adopting a black baby (but the baby is actually just an extremely tan dwarf). At the end of the season, Gaga will release her new full-length album: “LDGA.”
From the writer of For Whom the Bell Tolls For Dummies, you’ll fall head over heels for Bone[r]s. Premiering in August on Lifetime, Dr. Houge Boners and Special Agent Munch McFreely are an unlikely pair who were bound together at the shoulder after a chemical spill or some shit, who fucking cares (think Lori & Dori, but less “retard” and more “fag”). Dr. Boner (power-top) and his team are the “brains” with the “big heads.” Special Agent Munch McFreely (also a power-top) is a semen specialist with a fat cock. This fall on Lifetime, opposites may attract, but what happens when two early 30’s-ish power-tops are forced to work, live, eat, shit, and fuck together for 13 episodes?!? Again, who fucking cares.
You’ve seen House Hunters (if not, move on), but this new series, Hole Hunters, brings you into the lives of couples going through the process of finding another hole they can add to their monotonous, boring, and vapid sex lives. Episode one focuses on Rodney and Tucker, who met at the Westminster Dog Show in 1985, fell in love, and have been together ever since. Rodney is a retired dog groomer and Tucker is a part time drag queen whose drag name is Tanya Tuckher. They have lots of money, fourteen miniature Puggles (that’s a crossbreed between a Beagle and a Pug), and a cozy 1-bedroom apartment in Ft. Lauderdale’s Lower Left Side. When it comes to a hole, Rodney and Tucker aren’t exactly on the same page. Rodney likes smaller, old-fashioned holes (something in downtown Lauderdale City) while Tucker wants something a little bigger, younger, and available immediately—regardless of price. Dog friendly a must. Premieres October 14th and October 15th during a special two-night, cross-promotional event on both HGTV and Animal Planet.
America’s Next Top
From the guys who brought you So You Think You Can Douche along with exxxecutive producer Tyler Perry, this reality competition series will bring in 15 tops from all over the sovereign world to determine who is America’s Next Top. Each week, the tops will be given challenges (runway walks, make-up challenges, photo shoots, etc.), and each week one loser will be castrated and sent home. Whoever manages to fuck their way to the end will win a Hundred Septillion Dollar contract with CoverGurrl, a six-page fashion spread in Grindr Xtra, and a tote bag from STD Testing Service. Premieres this fall on ABC Family.
Desperate Go-Go Boys
Get to know the Desperate Go-Go Boys of Wisteria Nightclub: Derriere Finch, Sake Rase, and Cox Rider, as seen through the eyes of their dead friend, Breath Knight. Watch as they grind on the pole, on each other, and on each other’s boyfriends in tiny underwear while they also kiss and make up and take pictures with drinks in their hands and melodrama and drunk dancing. Airing at 4:15 a.m. Tuesday mornings on here! TV.
The A-List: Detroit
Get to know what it takes to be on the A-List in America’s skid mark: Detroit. Throughout the season, five very specific and highly stereotyped gay men (and one tranny) navigate their way through the zany antics of a home foreclosure, a gang rape, a nightclub shooting, and one very unwanted pregnancy! Plus, see firsthand the trials and tribulations of everyday life in the Motor City as A-Listers DeShawn, Tyrell, Kobe, DeSean, Tyrese, and Clinique work their way toward fame, fortune, and fabulousness, all while trying not to catch Hepatitis from blowing a homeless man for a ball of crack. Premieres on Logo whenever it feels like it.