I Watched All These Gay Reality Shows So You Don’t Have To

One of the perks(?) of being a guest contributor on The Sword is that all of the entertainment companies send me screeners of their gay reality shows, and I recently got a special insider exclusive sneak peek at several of this fall’s best(?) ones!

I sincerely hope that you guys are as excited to read about them as I was to watch them (my reaction after viewing them all is on the left).

Lady Gaga: Fame Whore
Airing on Bravo this September, Lady Gaga: Fame Whore follows every gay’s Guinea goddess, Gaga. Cameras follow Gaga around as she offers a behind-the-scenes view of some never-before-seen Gaga-isms, such as: Gaga eating a sandwich (the sandwich is made out of cigarette butts); Gaga washing her hair with a bowl of cereal and soy milk; Gaga taking a piss on the Vatican; Gaga’s select readings from the Necronomicon; Gaga going shopping in Hobby Lobby; Gaga becoming a Kabbalist; and Gaga adopting a black baby (but the baby is actually just an extremely tan dwarf). At the end of the season, Gaga will release her new full-length album: “LDGA.”

Bone[r]s
From the writer of For Whom the Bell Tolls For Dummies, you’ll fall head over heels for Bone[r]s. Premiering in August on Lifetime, Dr. Houge Boners and Special Agent Munch McFreely are an unlikely pair who were bound together at the shoulder after a chemical spill or some shit, who fucking cares (think Lori & Dori, but less “retard” and more “fag”). Dr. Boner (power-top) and his team are the “brains” with the “big heads.” Special Agent Munch McFreely (also a power-top) is a semen specialist with a fat cock. This fall on Lifetime, opposites may attract, but what happens when two early 30’s-ish power-tops are forced to work, live, eat, shit, and fuck together for 13 episodes?!? Again, who fucking cares.

Hole Hunters
You’ve seen House Hunters (if not, move on), but this new series, Hole Hunters, brings you into the lives of couples going through the process of finding another hole they can add to their monotonous, boring, and vapid sex lives. Episode one focuses on Rodney and Tucker, who met at the Westminster Dog Show in 1985, fell in love, and have been together ever since. Rodney is a retired dog groomer and Tucker is a part time drag queen whose drag name is Tanya Tuckher. They have lots of money, fourteen miniature Puggles (that’s a crossbreed between a Beagle and a Pug), and a cozy 1-bedroom apartment in Ft. Lauderdale’s Lower Left Side. When it comes to a hole, Rodney and Tucker aren’t exactly on the same page. Rodney likes smaller, old-fashioned holes (something in downtown Lauderdale City) while Tucker wants something a little bigger, younger, and available immediately—regardless of price. Dog friendly a must. Premieres October 14th and October 15th during a special two-night, cross-promotional event on both HGTV and Animal Planet.

America’s Next Top
From the guys who brought you So You Think You Can Douche along with exxxecutive producer Tyler Perry, this reality competition series will bring in 15 tops from all over the sovereign world to determine who is America’s Next Top. Each week, the tops will be given challenges (runway walks, make-up challenges, photo shoots, etc.), and each week one loser will be castrated and sent home. Whoever manages to fuck their way to the end will win a Hundred Septillion Dollar contract with CoverGurrl, a six-page fashion spread in Grindr Xtra, and a tote bag from STD Testing Service. Premieres this fall on ABC Family.

Desperate Go-Go Boys
Get to know the Desperate Go-Go Boys of Wisteria Nightclub: Derriere Finch, Sake Rase, and Cox Rider, as seen through the eyes of their dead friend, Breath Knight. Watch as they grind on the pole, on each other, and on each other’s boyfriends in tiny underwear while they also kiss and make up and take pictures with drinks in their hands and melodrama and drunk dancing. Airing at 4:15 a.m. Tuesday mornings on here! TV.

The A-List: Detroit
Get to know what it takes to be on the A-List in America’s skid mark: Detroit. Throughout the season, five very specific and highly stereotyped gay men (and one tranny) navigate their way through the zany antics of a home foreclosure, a gang rape, a nightclub shooting, and one very unwanted pregnancy! Plus, see firsthand the trials and tribulations of everyday life in the Motor City as A-Listers DeShawn, Tyrell, Kobe, DeSean, Tyrese, and Clinique work their way toward fame, fortune, and fabulousness, all while trying not to catch Hepatitis from blowing a homeless man for a ball of crack. Premieres on Logo whenever it feels like it.

 

14 thoughts on “I Watched All These Gay Reality Shows So You Don’t Have To”

  1. “Derriere Finch… Breath Knight” LOL…Pierre and Seth are trashy sluts and you should have ripped them even more.

  2. Never the mind accusations of racism, does anyone not care that this is probably the most anti-gay, anti-equality piece of hate speech disguised as “satire” they’ve ever read?

    You like making fun of gays? Great, take your “jokes” to American Family Association or go eat Chik Fil a.

  3. He openly says the show is about “highly stereotyped” blacks so what do you expect? Turn on any show on BET or the old In Living Color or even SNL or MAd TV and you get the same crap that–yes surprise surprise–even black people love. So whether the writer is black or not is not relevant to me. What is relevant is why in the hell Logo would put this show on the air after they canceled all their other A-List shows in Dallas and Mahannatan? I thought they said they weren’t doing these A-list shows anymore, so I’m pretty sure this must be an error or the writer got the network wrong. Maybe it is supposed to be on BET after all, but I doubt they’d do anything positive for gays since blcks are notoriously homophobic.

    1. You’re an idiot, 1. Thinking these shows are real and 2. Thinking you speak for all black PEOPLE. Last time I checked black people were not the only homophobic people. White republicans, hollywood, and athletes are also homophobic, but you left those groups out to marginalize black people.. What shows are you watching on BET that encourages and finds gang rape, home foreclosure, etc. of black people funny. I also never seen any skits on In Living Color, SNL, or MadTv showing gang rapes, nightclub shooting, unwanted pregnancy, and blowing homeless men for crack. How about you pick up a book and educate yourself and I also encourage you to go out an actually meet a black PERSON.

        1. If It Walks Like A Racist...

          Uhh, the pic of the show is of black trannies, soooo. It looks like its’a bout black trannies to me. I’d watch.

  4. I hope the writer of this, does not find his “plot synopsis” of The A-List of Detriot as funny or clever. It reveals what a racist you are and your idea of what black people experience in their life. I cannot believe this ignorance still exists in 2012.

  5. The funniest thing is that all of these shows could actually be on tv. give it a few years and they probably will be..

  6. Just like in this guy’s other article, he’s proving himself to be a racist with his so-called “black jokes.” I’m not amused, unless of course he’s black, in which case I feel sorry for him.

    1. Hey Racist, thanks for reading and enjoying my post! Just a point of reference: in my synopsis of The A-List Detroit, I never actually said the show was about any specific race of people. I know, I know; we all sometimes have random moments of ignorance that lead us to make assumptions, but, as I never mentioned the show was about “black people,” you were actually being racist when you assumed a show about highly stereotyped individuals based in Detriot had to be about “black people.” I just thought you might like to know. I’m sure you’ll read this though and realize your silly little oopsie, and we can all just laugh and laugh.

      Have a great night, friend!

      1. No, you never said it was about Black people, that would be too blunt, too obvious. These days racists know to be more subtle when you go about attacking Black people. Just use a picture of Black people to represent the cast and set the show in largely Black city. Plausible deniability. Readers will get the “joke.”

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