Judge a Porn By Its Cover 2: The Don’ts

Remember, click the cover to see the back of it!

Cracka Cum Bucket by Black Sugar

I don’t know about you, but everytime I get called a “cracka cum bucket” during sex I lose my hard-on a little. It’s just me! I don’t know, I stop being horny and start to feel a little bit disrespected. I don’t know. And why does the “cracka cum bucket” in question have to be a middle-aged sketchy dude with bad sunglasses and a side ponytail? He looks like he might be an actual retard. Calling retards “cracka cum buckets” is even more fucked up than calling me one. I mean, at least I can psychologically recuperate myself after a gangbang by huge racist black men. Oh, and also, the tagline “This cracka gets covered in more jizz than yo big fat momma!” kind of just goes — WHOOSH! — right over my head. Verdict: disturbing imagery rife throughout.

DOUG by Husky Hunk

Try Doug on for size! PUN INTENDED! When a gentleman develops “moobs” that sizable, and they’re swinging like udders, slapping the back of your neck when he’s cramming his chode into that space between your balls and your ass, does that mean you’re kind of bisexual? Because, I’m a fag and tits just don’t interest me (no matter how hairy). Besides, if I wanted to see what Bruce Vilanch looked like naked, I’d call Danny Roddick and Alex Chandler and just ask! OH YES I JUST DID.

My Bid Dick Gets Me Into Trouble 2 by Scandalistic Pictures

Too many accessories can ruin an outfit. It’s Tim Gunn 101! Not only does he have the protective goggles, sweat bandana, earring and helmet, but his schlong is pierced AND he needs to wear cockring, which I guess makes sense since he’s going home with a lesbian. Why does she look so happy to have him anyway? I thought all lesbians do is watch Tank Girl on basic cable and take baths with other lesbians! Verdict: -10 points for the styling, but + 2 points for the psychedelic hive/snowglobe backdrop.

23 CM by Calientissimo

The metric system always makes everything sound so much smaller and gayer. I mean gayer as in “LAMER” or “WORSE”, not gay like “cocksucking fairy” gay.

DaVinci Load 2: Electric Twinkaloo by PZP Productions

Oh great, now that lesbian is pissed about the remark I made above and she’s back with a MOTHERFUCKING GUN! Wow, she’s more hardcore than I thought! You can tell such by the title of the film: “Electric Twinkaloo”. That’s as STREET as it gets, isn’t it? But I guess it must be from the 90s since Isaac Hanson is making an appearance to the right of that subtly placed “666” graphic. That was an “Electric Twinkaloo” decade if I’ve ever known one. Verdict: PZP needs to get off the PCP or quit making ugly DVDs. LOL.

Waikiki Twinks by Tiki Boiz

What a great idea: “all of glamour of Waikiki, with the budget of shooting in my sister Rita’s poorly lit track home in San Leandro when I’m feeding her cats and she’s on vacation! We’ll just stick the photos on top of each other and it will seem like the models are really in Hawaii!” That might sound stupid in theory, but in practice it’s even dumber when you look at it and it’s a complete piece of fucking garbage.

GOT MILK! by Island Caprice Studios

There’s something a bit unnerving about guys who grin from ear to ear like they’re Ryan Seacrest or that Mary Hart woman on Entertainment Tonight while their dick is in you, and when you suddenly find yourself in a backwards grammar-botched Got Milk? advertisement things get even eerier. Or, maybe they’re all just laughing at you. Because you’re FAT. We all know milk goes with cookies. I don’t trust this.