Handwerker und Schwanzwerker by West Hollywood Studio
Not only does this cover incorporate an acid-paintshop backdrop that drags me into an adolescent whirlwind of drugs and awesome times, but the title has a Scandinavian font that reminds us of Disneyland! Nothing helps you pretend to be in an eastern European country better than some cute fontplay. What does that title even mean? Who cares! It sounds so cool that we have to be involved in it. Check out that guy’s outfit, with the overalls! Do we know him? It looks like he dug through our closet and pulled out our favorite ensemble that we haven’t even bought yet. If you look at the back cover, he’s using that same overall strap to STRANGLE somebody. We think er found a new favorite studio (and a new boyfriend).
What Men Want by Hollywood Sales.
We love whispering secrets to people in their ears. Not only is it a way to make people really angry at parties (which is always funny), but it’s also a fantastic way to flirt with someone! Here, someone with an enormous head is telling a secret to a crouching, naked guy that looks kind of like Ben Stiller. We think it has something to do with SEX for some reason. WHY MIGHT THAT BE? It all feels so subliminal!
TRADE OFF by All Worlds Video
Blinds were really big in the 80s, but if you look around you’ll realize that they really haven’t gone anywhere. You might call this cover kitschy, but We prefer to think of it as REALISTIC. Look at Ryan Idol! Isn’t he provocative? That’s because with open blinds, you can see something exactly as if they weren’t there except the blinds are in the way. You get the style of blinds and the exposure of no-blinds all in one brilliant cover shoot! Look at the back cover. That boy is so excited by this premise that he’s just GOT to record it on his camcorder. Smart thinking.
European Holiday by Falcon International
Okay, we get it. You have the BEST LIFE EVER. You’re giving us thumbs up, GETTING A BLOWJOB, and wearing a shirt above your tan six-pack that says “I’D DO ME”. You’re probably really good at surfing and going to an awesome party later in gorgeous summer weather where everything is paid for and you have a huge dick that always stays hard. Okay? WE GET IT. If this guy could high-five you through the box cover we’d bet you he’d totally totally do it.
Kinky Stuff by Al Parker Productions
Al Parker fucking rules.
COME CRAZY by Kosmos Production
This naked guy with his white towel does no justice to some of the amazing outfits put together for the back cover. Sex sells, though, however cool a crop top and acid wash jeans might be. We can tell from the swirly symbols that I’m in for something WILD ‘N’ CRAZY with this movie, and all the blue and yellow puts me into a really sporty mood! See, it isn’t that difficult! We bet this cover took the graphic designers 10 minutes and they spent the rest of the afternoon smoking pot, listening to Guided By Voices, and talking about how awesome their job is.
S.F. Packing Co. by Le Salon
This photo looks like James Bidgood bent over to pull up his tights during a costume switch and Andy Warhol snapped a photo when he wasn’t looking. Signed, sealed, ready, PRINT! Oh, and the audio is in [[[[SEXSURROUND]]]] so it’s technologically up to date as well.
HARD HAT by Le Salon
Take a break from that construction job, Tyrone! Make some real use of that hammer by pulling down your jock strap with it. If you check out the back cover (click it) then you’ll get a really cool day-glo version of the simple, understated, and flawless jacket design. The warning at the bottom about prohibiting sale to minors really makes it seem dangerous and exclusive. We wish we could be 12 again and smuggle this out of a dirty bodega with a pack of cigarettes and impress all our friends after little league practice. Except if that happened they’d probably ask why it’s GAY porn, and then they’d beat us up.