Never Pay the Cover
Let’s just say that
the best way to do this is to actually get on the list by either
knowing someone or emailing eager promoters*. But in the absence of
any connections whatsoever, promoter Juan Garcia of Beatbox Events
in San Francisco recommends looking the part and not being obnoxious.
“Don’t be pushy, and don’t drop any names,” he says. “You’ll look like
a douche. Just get there early, dress and act like you belong there, be
super nice, and when you find out you’re not on the list try to chat up
the door person to see if you get anywhere. The worst they can do is
say no, and they probably won’t.”
Switch to Generic Poppers
You may miss the cute little glass jars with bright colors and psychedelic fonts, but whatever: amyl nitrate is amyl nitrate, and you’ll soon learn that a nitrous airborne compound by any other name smells just as sweet chemically and acrid. Those cheaper and generic brands of video head cleaner from Amazon.com are meant to actually clean video heads. Go ahead, though, and sniff away. They’ll make you light in the head without weighing down your wallet.
Take A Laycation
Camping out in the backyard is for the Sarah Palins of the world: faggots need to travel. As long as you’re willing to drop your standards a bit and act like a tiger in the sack, you needn’t pay for expensive lodging on your next trip. No one is going to go home with you if you’re staying at a youth hostel, but it doesn’t mean they won’t fuck you. Just tell the nice salt-and-pepper gentleman at the bar that you’re in from out of town. He gets an NSA fuck, you’ve got yourself a B&B. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Workout at the Bathhouse
You’ve
probably wondered who uses that little workout room with the rusty
weights in the back of the bathhouse, but wonder no more. What better
time to combine gym and bathhouse costs than the worst economic slump
in a generation? Schedule it just before the witching hour, and not
only will your muscles be pumped for wooing potential suitors, but
you’ll save cash and water!
Get A New Drug
Screw lowered hemlines. We knew there was a recession last January when our weed dealer told us he’d started carrying mushrooms because “they’re a third of the price and they get you three times as fucked up.” See you at the next bull market, coke whores!
Switch to Oral Sex
Between lube, condoms, Fleet enemas and toilet paper, anal sex can get pretty damned expensive. In comparison, except for the occasional smudge of Abreva, oral sex is a thrifty man’s paradise: no fuss, no muss and a free meal to boot!
Make Your Own Sex Toys
Cutting back can be fun if you set aside a day for some good old-fashioned arts-and-crafts. Who needs to waste fifty dollars plus shipping and handling on The Jolly Good Giant Dong when a well-manipulated slab of wax would do just as well? According to their discount manufacturer, these large scented candles “burn for hours upon hours.” Well, sure; but in a good way! Apply heat to the top of the candle to manipulate the shape and customize it to the liking of your insatiable gaper. Not only will you be nearly $30 richer, but your cavernous asshole will smell like fresh raspberry potpourri for days to come.
*e.g. Cazwell regularly messages his MySpace friends to put them on the list for his Thursday party at Mr. Black and his Saturday party 40C in the East Village; David Harness’s new party Manifesto at The Stud in SF still has an open invitation to get the guest list via email; and Wayne Castro who promotes Tigerheat and Heaven Lounge in LA says that while name-dropping may help, he has LA’s gay phonebook stored away inside his Blackberry, and he’ll sometimes quiz guests on the cell phone numbers of their apparent best friends who await inside.
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If I was restricted to oral, I might kill myself.
Of all the things that I’ve stuck up my ass, that candle isn’t going to fit. Unless I put it in sideways.