Research scientists at UClassify.com have developed a tool that analyzes blog entries for tell-tale grammatical constructions and deduces if the author is a man or a woman. (Think of it as a really, really useful version of the computer that figured out Joe Klein wrote Primary Colors, but with more opportunity for homophobic slander.)
Admittedly, up until we discovered the Gender Analyzer, we never really had much of a problem determining the gender of a particular blogger — I mean, we all know that Arianna Huffington is packing heat, right? Still, we did a little poking around and made some ASTOUNDING discoveries.
1. A Certain Drag Queen Needs to Work on Her “Realness”
While the Gender Analyzer determined that Lady Bunny, RuPaul, Hedda Lettuce and Sister Roma are all women based on their blogorrhea, MyComrade.com’s Linda Simpson got outed as a man. The jigs up, Linda — put down that straight boy now!
2. Lesbians Pass As Men Without Even Trying
The Gender Analyzer identified an XY pairing in the musings of Suze Orman, Rachel Maddow and comedianne Kate Clinton, concluding that they were all men (and lumberjacks at that). Even lipstick licker Lindsey Lohan was pronounced gender neutral despite multiple references to her fondness for leggings.
3. Fags are Manlier Than You’d Think, Except for Jason Curious
4. Rosie O’Donnell is an Incomprehensible Ogre.
What does computer make of Rosie’s mysterious poetry blog? It doesn’t! Computer apologizes, but it “can only classify pages written in English” not Shrekian. blesses RO btr luck/next time.
5. In case you were wondering, GenderAnalyzer thinks we’re Miss Teen South Carolina.
Which we are. Screw you, haters.
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