[Editor’s Note: The below guide comes from The Sword’s new contributor, Mark Taint! If you think Mark Taint is great, let him know in the comments. If you hate him, also let him know! He’ll be contributing all summer long, unless he gets fired.]
Last month, Vice posted a so-called “Guide to Being Gay.” Vice is a faggot. Here’s my, Mark Taint’s, Homosexual Guide: “The Mark Taint Manifesto for Manhole Munchers,” if you will (only partially plagiarized).
“Gay” was invented by two fag hags named Cher and Celine in the 1900’s. Since then, tons and tons of men have embarrassingly shit on their partners during anal intercourse, fallen out on GHB in a sex swing during Gay Pride Weekend in Orlando at the Parliament House, barebacked in a unisex bathroom stall during Hustlaball New York, tried bath salts, fought for equality, adopted little children, etc. As fun and normal as that sounds to anyone “in the community,” KILOGRAMS of people have a problem with it. In fact, lots of people think putting a dick anywhere near another man’s bum or mouth hole or that man’s boyfriend’s bum or mouth hole is basically the same as taking a massive diarrhea shit in the face hole of God Herbert Walker Christ Almighty Himself. As a result, “gay shit” remains a controversial blah blah blah blah religious events blah blah blah blah blah idiots.
After going through Vice’s A-Z guide, I realized that some of their letters needed to be revised. So, here’s MY comprehensive A-Z (minus a few letters) guide to everything you ever wanted to know about gayness but were too afraid to ass (TEE HEE!). (Oh, and lesbians, fuck off until Vice posts a guide to Lesbianisms that I can copy.)
“Apparently 15 percent of gay guys don’t ever ‘do’ anal sex.” Duh, they’re called TOPS. That’s why bottoms are so bitchy! Too many bottoms and not enough tops!!!!!!! Until you’ve been fucked doggie style by two Cubans with burrito-sized uncut cocks behind a Denny’s at 3 a.m. in San Diego, you haven’t LIVED. Sure, it’s gonna hurt the first few times and you’re going to shit on a few dicks, but fuck it, everybody poops, right?! If bottoming is really hard for you, don’t worry—poppers and meth and other hardcore drugs can help you with that.
At some point you’re going to really want to tear down the rainbow beads and muslin folds acting as the metaphorical walls in your metaphorical closet and tell everyone you’ve ever met that you’re a pipe sucking homosexual, but for God’s sake don’t tell your parents. Either they already know, or they are dumber than horse’s shit and terrible things will happen if you do tell them. Sometimes it’s better to just shut the fuck up. If your parents bring it up first, then they already know and they’re cool. In 2012, most parents don’t care if you’re a fag. However, parents who do care will probably try to ruin your life. Spare yourself the heartache and just tell your parents that you have a tiny penis and you’re too embarrassed to date women.
Cocaine and ecstasy are the natural drugs of choice (meth if you’re on a budget), but many gays are converting to alternative methods of getting high—runner’s high, that is. Many gays are taking up running and feeling the natural energy that Mother Earth pumps into them. A lot of “contemp,” edgy gays like to make fun of the old-schoolers by pretending to do blow in public situations. This is merely a meme and is meant to be a JOKE.
Equality is when gays are given the legal right to fight in wars with their same sex soldiers and legally kill people of either sex in foreign countries. It is also when gays can legally marry their same sex partners, cheat on them, and then legally divorce them.
Hey, Straight Folks! Gay people want you to think this is the gay version of the N-word, but no fag ever killed a white man for calling him a n****r, and no single fag throughout the early 20th century was ever dragged behind a truck to within an inch of his life, then hung in a tree like a redneck wind chime and beaten with wooden sticks and metal chairs while being laughed at by fat men in white hoods. So, next time one of your gay buds tries to correct you for saying, “fag,” spit in his face and yell, “Shut the fuck up, faggot!” Then, grab a fire hose and blast him down the street. Then both of you can sit down together and come to the conclusion that the “F-word” isn’t like the “N-word” at fucking all.
FWIW, I only use Grindr when I’m on the toilet. Every straight asshole and fag hag likes to think Grindr is some homosexualized version of the Muslim heaven, complete with 99 beautiful virgins. On the contrary, Grindr is a cesspool of sexually dehumanized animals. 25% of the assholes that have a Grindr profile bitch about how they don’t understand why they have one to begin with and are looking for a reason to delete it. 25% are creepy sex addicts (many of whom are old and fat). The remaining 50% of all Grindr users are torsos, sunsets, blurs, black swatches, pets, or anything else but a normal picture of his face.
In the original Vice post, the insightful writers originally put, “Homosexuals have never met a technology that they couldn’t somehow adapt to get themselves laid.” Personally, I think they’re half way there: Homosexuals have never met a technology that they couldn’t somehow bastardize to its lowest, most primal form of conceived utility, proving once again that homosexuals are little more than horny assholes.
The nasty side of HIV and AIDS is many guys who have it won’t tell you they have it. Many of them don’t know because they don’t get tested (no excuse), but many of them don’t think it’s their responsibility to tell their “partners” they have anything, but rather it’s their partner’s responsibility to ask. That’s horseshit, and you’re a horrible person if you do that.
It Gets Browner
And by that I mean your asshole. Check it out in the mirror now. Have some decency and invest in a little anal bleach; it’s $8.99 on Amazon. The next person eating your asshole will thank you.
As in to a gym. Because there are two kinds of gays: those who go to the gym, and fat gays and twinks. Being gay means opening yourself up to new kinds of being judged, the likes of which you’ll never understand as a straight person or a lesbian. Save yourself the hurt and go to a gym, but don’t go to a gay gym. Go to 24 Hour Fitness or somewhere cheap with bad lighting where you can look like your natural, gross self and work out in peace.
Vice thinks old guys are useless and weird, but they’ve obviously never had a friend with a rich sugar daddy who was willing to literally fund every alcoholic club tour, nice meal, gaycation, or shopping trip. God, I wish my friend’s sugar daddy was still alive.
As a gay, 80% of all sex you have (outside of a relationship) is going to be a cum and go. Some gays aren’t okay with the idea of serial fornicating, but most gay men are just cum machines, and anyone who thinks masturbating can cure this doesn’t have Grindr. Grindr has made it that much easier for gays to find any suitable-within-an-acceptable-margin-of-error sex buddy, further adding to my point that homosexuals are little more than horny assholes (this includes me).
Where you sit in gay hierarchy is crucial. You got your freshman gays, ROTC gays, preppy gays, JV jock gays, nerdy Asian gays, cool Asian gays, varsity gays, thug black gays, porn star gays, gays who eat their feelings, gays who don’t eat anything, desperate wannabes (fag hags), burnouts (meth gays), sexually active gays (I realize that’s very general), leather gays, bear gays, twink gays, rancid gays, circuit gays, and too many other gays to count. As a gay, you shouldn’t have a problem finding someone to fuck you.
I sat here for five minutes and tried to come up with a way to describe Tumblr to a non-Tumblr user. Tumblr can be anything you want based on who you follow and what you publish—many gays post alluring images of themselves in the mirror along with random GIFs of fashion shows or reality teevee moments. My Tumblr is cock. It’s all cock, and I follow a lot of people; nearly every 10 minutes there are hundreds of new pictures of cock. It’s literally the best thing in the world.
Can we all agree to stop wearing those “Fruit of the Loom” or whatever the fuck they’re called? Ugly/repulsive/cheap underwear is the fucking worst. If the underwear you’re wearing right now isn’t cute enough for you to be pulled on a stage to perform your drunken rendition of a strip show, throwing your clothes all over until the only thing you’re wearing is the underwear in question, then fucking burn them.
Nearly every gay wants a v-cut he can show off, but most people are too self-indulgent (i.e., fat) to ever have one. If you’re one of those people, see “Membership” for a little advice.
Wash Your Asshole
Wash your asshole. Wash your asshole. Wash your asshole. Wash your asshole. Wash your asshole. Wash your asshole. Wash your asshole. Wash your asshole.
Grindr Xtra. In case you don’t know about Grindr, Grindr is a cesspool of sexually dehumanized animals. 25% of the assholes who have a Grindr profile bitch about how they don’t understand why they have one to begin with and are looking for a reason to delete it. 25% are creepy sex addicts (many of whom are old and fat). The remaining 50% of all Grindr users are torsos, sunsets, blurs, black swatches, pets, or anything else but a normal picture of his face. Grindr Xtra is the same shitty normal Grindr + 100 extra weirdos, unlimited blocking abilities, simplified sex searches (you can choose to view only users online, so no more wasting time sighing over hot guys who aren’t online!), all for $12.99.
The only thing gays love more than cock is young cock. The only reason there are so many twinks in life is there are so many old muscle daddies willing to pay for anything for them. Get used to seeing annoying drunk twinks in clubs, annoying drunk twinks on gay cruises, annoying drunk twinks in the same hotel as you during Gay Days weekend, etc.
On the opposite side of the universe are the young mesomorphic gays. Those guys are great to look at, but unless you’re a spitting image of them, they probably won’t look back at you through their cheap aviators, and they definitely won’t respond to you on Grindr. 80% of both of these groups of strapping young lads will inevitably do porn at least once.
Azithromycin (Zithromax, Azithrocin) is an azalide, a subclass of macrolide antibiotics. Azithromycin is derived from erythromycin, with a methyl-substituted nitrogen atom incorporated into the lactone ring, thus making the lactone ring 15-membered. Azithromycin is used to treat or prevent certain bacterial infections, the most important of which are gonorrhea, chlamydia, and other sexually transmitted infections. Azithromycin is your new best friend, especially since many gay men (who have an infection of some sort) either don’t know or don’t care that they have an infection of some sort, and they certainly don’t know or don’t care if you get their infection of some sort about which they may or may not know.