Mark Taint’s “Guide To Being Gay”

[Editor’s Note: The below guide comes from The Sword’s new contributor, Mark Taint! If you think Mark Taint is great, let him know in the comments. If you hate him, also let him know! He’ll be contributing all summer long, unless he gets fired.]

Last month, Vice posted a so-called “Guide to Being Gay.” Vice is a faggot. Here’s my, Mark Taint’s, Homosexual Guide: “The Mark Taint Manifesto for Manhole Munchers,” if you will (only partially plagiarized).

“Gay” was invented by two fag hags named Cher and Celine in the 1900’s. Since then, tons and tons of men have embarrassingly shit on their partners during anal intercourse, fallen out on GHB in a sex swing during Gay Pride Weekend in Orlando at the Parliament House, barebacked in a unisex bathroom stall during Hustlaball New York, tried bath salts, fought for equality, adopted little children, etc. As fun and normal as that sounds to anyone “in the community,” KILOGRAMS of people have a problem with it. In fact, lots of people think putting a dick anywhere near another man’s bum or mouth hole or that man’s boyfriend’s bum or mouth hole is basically the same as taking a massive diarrhea shit in the face hole of God Herbert Walker Christ Almighty Himself. As a result, “gay shit” remains a controversial blah blah blah blah religious events blah blah blah blah blah idiots.

After going through Vice’s A-Z guide, I realized that some of their letters needed to be revised. So, here’s MY comprehensive A-Z (minus a few letters) guide to everything you ever wanted to know about gayness but were too afraid to ass (TEE HEE!). (Oh, and lesbians, fuck off until Vice posts a guide to Lesbianisms that I can copy.)

A
Anal Sex
“Apparently 15 percent of gay guys don’t ever ‘do’ anal sex.” Duh, they’re called TOPS. That’s why bottoms are so bitchy! Too many bottoms and not enough tops!!!!!!! Until you’ve been fucked doggie style by two Cubans with burrito-sized uncut cocks behind a Denny’s at 3 a.m. in San Diego, you haven’t LIVED. Sure, it’s gonna hurt the first few times and you’re going to shit on a few dicks, but fuck it, everybody poops, right?! If bottoming is really hard for you, don’t worry—poppers and meth and other hardcore drugs can help you with that.

C
Coming Out
At some point you’re going to really want to tear down the rainbow beads and muslin folds acting as the metaphorical walls in your metaphorical closet and tell everyone you’ve ever met that you’re a pipe sucking homosexual, but for God’s sake don’t tell your parents. Either they already know, or they are dumber than horse’s shit and terrible things will happen if you do tell them. Sometimes it’s better to just shut the fuck up. If your parents bring it up first, then they already know and they’re cool. In 2012, most parents don’t care if you’re a fag. However, parents who do care will probably try to ruin your life. Spare yourself the heartache and just tell your parents that you have a tiny penis and you’re too embarrassed to date women.

D
Drugs
Cocaine and ecstasy are the natural drugs of choice (meth if you’re on a budget), but many gays are converting to alternative methods of getting high—runner’s high, that is. Many gays are taking up running and feeling the natural energy that Mother Earth pumps into them. A lot of “contemp,” edgy gays like to make fun of the old-schoolers by pretending to do blow in public situations. This is merely a meme and is meant to be a JOKE.

 


E

Equality
Equality is when gays are given the legal right to fight in wars with their same sex soldiers and legally kill people of either sex in foreign countries. It is also when gays can legally marry their same sex partners, cheat on them, and then legally divorce them.

F
Fag
Hey, Straight Folks! Gay people want you to think this is the gay version of the N-word, but no fag ever killed a white man for calling him a n****r, and no single fag throughout the early 20th century was ever dragged behind a truck to within an inch of his life, then hung in a tree like a redneck wind chime and beaten with wooden sticks and metal chairs while being laughed at by fat men in white hoods. So, next time one of your gay buds tries to correct you for saying, “fag,” spit in his face and yell, “Shut the fuck up, faggot!” Then, grab a fire hose and blast him down the street. Then both of you can sit down together and come to the conclusion that the “F-word” isn’t like the “N-word” at fucking all.

G
Grindr
FWIW, I only use Grindr when I’m on the toilet. Every straight asshole and fag hag likes to think Grindr is some homosexualized version of the Muslim heaven, complete with 99 beautiful virgins. On the contrary, Grindr is a cesspool of sexually dehumanized animals. 25% of the assholes that have a Grindr profile bitch about how they don’t understand why they have one to begin with and are looking for a reason to delete it. 25% are creepy sex addicts (many of whom are old and fat). The remaining 50% of all Grindr users are torsos, sunsets, blurs, black swatches, pets, or anything else but a normal picture of his face.

In the original Vice post, the insightful writers originally put, “Homosexuals have never met a technology that they couldn’t somehow adapt to get themselves laid.” Personally, I think they’re half way there: Homosexuals have never met a technology that they couldn’t somehow bastardize to its lowest, most primal form of conceived utility, proving once again that homosexuals are little more than horny assholes.


H

HIV/AIDS
The nasty side of HIV and AIDS is many guys who have it won’t tell you they have it. Many of them don’t know because they don’t get tested (no excuse), but many of them don’t think it’s their responsibility to tell their “partners” they have anything, but rather it’s their partner’s responsibility to ask. That’s horseshit, and you’re a horrible person if you do that.

I
It Gets Browner
And by that I mean your asshole. Check it out in the mirror now. Have some decency and invest in a little anal bleach; it’s $8.99 on Amazon. The next person eating your asshole will thank you.

M
Membership
As in to a gym. Because there are two kinds of gays: those who go to the gym, and fat gays and twinks. Being gay means opening yourself up to new kinds of being judged, the likes of which you’ll never understand as a straight person or a lesbian. Save yourself the hurt and go to a gym, but don’t go to a gay gym. Go to 24 Hour Fitness or somewhere cheap with bad lighting where you can look like your natural, gross self and work out in peace.

O
Old Dudes
Vice thinks old guys are useless and weird, but they’ve obviously never had a friend with a rich sugar daddy who was willing to literally fund every alcoholic club tour, nice meal, gaycation, or shopping trip. God, I wish my friend’s sugar daddy was still alive.

Q
Quickie
As a gay, 80% of all sex you have (outside of a relationship) is going to be a cum and go. Some gays aren’t okay with the idea of serial fornicating, but most gay men are just cum machines, and anyone who thinks masturbating can cure this doesn’t have Grindr. Grindr has made it that much easier for gays to find any suitable-within-an-acceptable-margin-of-error sex buddy, further adding to my point that homosexuals are little more than horny assholes (this includes me).

S
Stereotypes
Where you sit in gay hierarchy is crucial. You got your freshman gays, ROTC gays, preppy gays, JV jock gays, nerdy Asian gays, cool Asian gays, varsity gays, thug black gays, porn star gays, gays who eat their feelings, gays who don’t eat anything, desperate wannabes (fag hags), burnouts (meth gays), sexually active gays (I realize that’s very general), leather gays, bear gays, twink gays, rancid gays, circuit gays, and too many other gays to count. As a gay, you shouldn’t have a problem finding someone to fuck you.

T
Tumblr
I sat here for five minutes and tried to come up with a way to describe Tumblr to a non-Tumblr user. Tumblr can be anything you want based on who you follow and what you publish—many gays post alluring images of themselves in the mirror along with random GIFs of fashion shows or reality teevee moments. My Tumblr is cock. It’s all cock, and I follow a lot of people; nearly every 10 minutes there are hundreds of new pictures of cock. It’s literally the best thing in the world.

U
Underwear
Can we all agree to stop wearing those “Fruit of the Loom” or whatever the fuck they’re called? Ugly/repulsive/cheap underwear is the fucking worst. If the underwear you’re wearing right now isn’t cute enough for you to be pulled on a stage to perform your drunken rendition of a strip show, throwing your clothes all over until the only thing you’re wearing is the underwear in question, then fucking burn them.

V
V-cut
Nearly every gay wants a v-cut he can show off, but most people are too self-indulgent (i.e., fat) to ever have one. If you’re one of those people, see “Membership” for a little advice.

W
Wash Your Asshole
Wash your asshole. Wash your asshole. Wash your asshole. Wash your asshole. Wash your asshole. Wash your asshole. Wash your asshole. Wash your asshole.

X
Xtra
Grindr Xtra. In case you don’t know about Grindr, Grindr is a cesspool of sexually dehumanized animals. 25% of the assholes who have a Grindr profile bitch about how they don’t understand why they have one to begin with and are looking for a reason to delete it. 25% are creepy sex addicts (many of whom are old and fat). The remaining 50% of all Grindr users are torsos, sunsets, blurs, black swatches, pets, or anything else but a normal picture of his face. Grindr Xtra is the same shitty normal Grindr + 100 extra weirdos, unlimited blocking abilities, simplified sex searches (you can choose to view only users online, so no more wasting time sighing over hot guys who aren’t online!), all for $12.99.

Y
Young
The only thing gays love more than cock is young cock. The only reason there are so many twinks in life is there are so many old muscle daddies willing to pay for anything for them. Get used to seeing annoying drunk twinks in clubs, annoying drunk twinks on gay cruises, annoying drunk twinks in the same hotel as you during Gay Days weekend, etc.

On the opposite side of the universe are the young mesomorphic gays. Those guys are great to look at, but unless you’re a spitting image of them, they probably won’t look back at you through their cheap aviators, and they definitely won’t respond to you on Grindr. 80% of both of these groups of strapping young lads will inevitably do porn at least once.

Z
Z-Pack
Azithromycin (Zithromax, Azithrocin) is an azalide, a subclass of macrolide antibiotics. Azithromycin is derived from erythromycin, with a methyl-substituted nitrogen atom incorporated into the lactone ring, thus making the lactone ring 15-membered. Azithromycin is used to treat or prevent certain bacterial infections, the most important of which are gonorrhea, chlamydia, and other sexually transmitted infections. Azithromycin is your new best friend, especially since many gay men (who have an infection of some sort) either don’t know or don’t care that they have an infection of some sort, and they certainly don’t know or don’t care if you get their infection of some sort about which they may or may not know.

 

34 thoughts on “Mark Taint’s “Guide To Being Gay””

  1. This is such a slam that anything considered funny is on the other side of the universe. If insults and digs are all you have to offer then stop writing and spend some time healing yourself before you barf your unhealed, judgmental internal crap all over the rest of us. That’s just my 2 cents

  2. under s for stereotypes you forgot to add blogger gays who think they’re witty, satirical, and cutting edge when they are anything but. didn’t get the comparison between the f-word and the n-word. all words of hate are equal especially while be shouted at the victim that is being tortured or murdered. so maybe the next time you are writing one of your “radical” little posts if you are going to be so quick to actually spell out the word FAGGOT at least have the balls to also spell out the word N****R. seriously, it took you 20 minutes to write this drivel?

    1. Thanks for reading damques. I did spell out all words. To my chagrin, my editor made some unfortunate cuts to my draft!

  3. I read this entire post, and all I got was tied to the back of a truck and dragged around like James Byrd. Thank god I brought skis.

    1. Thanks for your clever insight, Oscar.

      One thing though: I didn’t try too hard; I wrote this in 20 minutes. However, I’ll try harder next time … just for you.

  4. Matthew Shepard

    Mark – your right no one has ever had the ever living shit beat out them tied to a fence and allowed to die while being called a faggot! Faggots who dont live in a hand full of navel gazing cites might still get called faggot. But come one the N word is nothing like the word faggot! I love my blacks! I Love my Jews! I love my gays! I mean faggots!

  5. This is spot on and hilarious. All these queens who are pissed off need to shut the fuck up and get a sense of humor. Oh and WASH YOUR ASSHOLES. LOL

  6. Welcome Aboard, Mark !!...

    Chelsea here !! Quite an intro ! Gosh, that’s a lot of words in your post !! I got up to the letter G and felt like I was at the letter Zzzzzzzzzz …… juat kidding ! I’m sure after I drink a Red Bull, I’ll be ready to tackle H through M !!

    You’re really going to like it here. Everyone is so sweet and supportive … and funny (did you catch that guy saying I was as dumb as a box of rocks ? Such kidders !! (I’m actually surprised that no one has yet posted to your thread “T’aint Funny !”.) But I’m sure you’ll be welcomed as warmly as I’ve been !

    I hope we’ll get to meet in person soon. I bet you’re a lot of fun at parties. And we’ll have a chance to “compare notes” (you know what I mean !). I wanted to ask you – contributor is just another way to say that Zach’s not paying you either, right ?? Again ..WELCOME ! TTFN.

    1. Your attempt at sarcasm is sadder than your pathetic attempt on that awful, poorly punctuated blog. Do yourself a favor and hire me over there when I get fired, wontcha Rob Romoni?

  7. Wonderful satire.
    The original vice guide was the worst, until this latest one came out from, who was it, Michael musto? I forget.
    Either way, Mark fucking Taint I hope you continue to write your own, and comment upon, all these idiotic lists or articles coming from huffpo and vice and queerty and everywhere.

  8. This is the sword not the Washington Post, I don’t think we are suppose to take any of these blog post too seriously. I enjoyed it.

  9. Actually I’d be shocked if there actually wasn’t a single homosexual throughout the early 20th century that was dragged behind a truck to within an inch of his life.

  10. “The remaining 50% of all Grindr users are torsos, sunsets, blurs, black swatches, pets, or anything else but a normal picture of his face.”

    This.

    1. Spot on, Alexis.
      I’m so glad you enjoyed the post. In fact I was nervous no one would like it! My mother said I was always too much of a worrier.

  11. This guy better be gay AND black if he thinks he’s an authority on comparing the words fag and nig___. Funny nonetheless though especially the parts about Grindr, even though he’s obsessed with it!

    1. Who the fuck is he (gay or black) to be authority on ANYTHING!?? he talks shit on everything and everyone in most of this (he’s completel shallow btw) and then assumes that we’re gonna listen to him when he tries to give us fucking advice about the gym or getting sugar daddies or how to treat our assholes? talk about an asshole, literally. fuck him and fuck this. I didn’t read the Vice guide but i’ll bet it didn’t try this hard rto piss people off. over it.

      1. Hey there Bull,

        “I didn’t read the Vice guide but i’ll bet it didn’t try this hard rto piss people off.” This is my favorite part of what you said. You made a statement, said you didn’t know what you were talking about in that said statement, and then said you weren’t educated on the other side of the issue (i.e., the Vice post). That sort of ignorance and bullheaded (forgive me for the pun) tenacity is what I LOVE in my readers. I’m sure you’ll enjoy what’s to come from me!

  12. Great, so the previous intern was a dumb as a box of rocks girl and this one’s a rude and offensive prick. You sure know how to pick your staff.

      1. Didn’t think it was possible that there could be a more self-important, unfunny, and bitter cunt than you, Zach. Good find. Unless of course “Mark” is just you writing under a pseudonym (a la Chelsea) again. Bored and desperate much?

          1. Man I couldn’t even get through the first few sentences. But then again I don’t visit this blog to read the articles.

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