Nick’s horrible, terrible, no good very bad week began last Wednesday, when the studly, BDSM man-fairy had an altercation with a “hot black man” who told Nick that “we all have to get along now. We have a black president.” Nick, who campaigned for Obama, said, “Yeah, I know.” But he wishes he said, “Fuck you! You come talk to me when we have a gay president. Let’s see if you voted for him.”

Nick is feeling testy these days because he recently broke up with his boyfriend. The one thing he had to look forward to was appearing on the boxcover for his upcoming film Brief Encounters. But in a last-minute tragi-twist, superstar Matthew Rush chose to appear in the very same movie for his first scene since leaving Falcon last month, generating huge buzz.

So now, the boxcover is Matthew’s, not Nick’s. And while the two men are friends, it has not been easy for Nick to realize that he is Haylie Duff and Matthew Rush is Hilary. Two days after sulking over the Brief Encounters cover that slipped through the hairy cracks, Nick spent Valentine’s Day adding chlorine to his pool, doing laundry, cleaning the house and finally eating a Cheeseburger Lean Pocket in front of the computer.

After a long day, Nick asks himself:

Did I talk to anyone today? I know I listened. And listened. And listened. But did I talk?

Did anyone hear me?

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