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The 12 Gays of Christmas Videos

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Holiday YouTube videos have replaced Christmas
cookies as a seasonal MUST over these past couple of years.  For fags like us, YouTube isn’t just another
sensory replacement for food (just ask our dealers!), but also a chance to
catch some of the most bizarre and under-appreciated queer cinema ever made. We’ve
known that gays and yuletide cheer are an incompatible match ever since we came
out during Christmas of freshman year and our crazy Aunt Rachel threw her turkey leg at us, screaming “fuck” a lot-so you can imagine the tongue-in- cheekiness we have in store for you with our 12 Gays of Christmas Video Collection.

Wishing You a Mary Xmas: The Sword Holiday Music Panel

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As Andy Warhol once
enthused about Coke (we mean the soda, fiends): it’s the same whether you’re a
bum, the President, or Liz Taylor-money can’t buy you a better one and it
always tastes the same. We suppose we could say that about holiday music as
well; no matter how pressed your
body, nor how big your dick, nor how many guest lists you’re on, you’ve still
got the same schmaltz every December-or so it would seem.We asked a few of
our favorite resident pervs about their favorite holiday music.

Boxcover of the Week: The Cockfather

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The Cockfather (Private DVD, 2005) – Talk about an offer we can’t refuse. Sometimes we come across a title so ready-made for porn parody that we can’t believe we haven’t seen it before. The Cockfather? We give props to Man-Size for pouncing on the obvious. Sure, the costumes are more Dick Tracy than The Godfather, but since Al Pacino starred in both, we’ll let it pass. Of course, someone should tell Big Smoker that the fuschia lip stain is clashing with his Crayola-red zoot suit and it kind of femmes up his whole gangster motif.  And the phallic imagery of a marionette cross? Subtle. 

Judge a Porn By Its Cover 2: The Don’ts

Remember when I sifted through the pornos on NakedSword and pulled out the covers that I thought were the best? Well, I had to overlook a lot of hideous, disturbing, FUCKED UP covers then, and going back to find some to showcase together for the DONT’s now proved to be one of the most excruciating experiences I’ve had since I’ve worked here. It made for a great appetite suppressant though: OMG NEW DIET CRAZE?????????

After the jump, take a look at some box covers that make me wanna die.

Judge a Porn By Its Cover!

They say that you should never judge a book by its cover. They’re totally wrong. Bad marketing is always something that should be judged, harshly in our opinion, while awesome covers deserve unmitigated praise, attention, and preference. “Why buy something that will look ugly on your bookshelf?”  The same is true in gay porn packaging. With the wealth of outstanding imagery that pornographers have to design graphics around, it’s a marvel that some studios pump out nothing but ugly video boxes. Sifting through the newest additions to NakedSword 4.0, we couldn’t help but be amused by some of the porn boxcovers that we came across and impressed by their sheer artistic value. After the jump, check out some of the prettiest pornos that NS has to offer, and also feel free to check out our follow-up: The Don’ts.

Sexing Up Your Second Life Avatar

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The first thing any self-respecting homosexual does, after choosing an outfit and tarting
up a Second Life avatar (complete with no-crunch abs and a Flock-of-Seagulls hairdo), is head to a bathhouse. Thanks to the realism of modern role playing,
our fantasy lives are now full of the same poor choices and fraught with the
same anxieties as our waking life.

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