The fact that a Volkswagen comes out on top should come as no surprise. The fact that said model is named after a popular vaginal vibrator is a bonus. Take a look at some custom features that will have you driving the gayest car since Liberace drove onto stage in a sequined Rolls Royce. (He then rose above the audience in a stage harness and declared, “See, I’m doing my part to conserve gas. Mary Poppins, eat your heart out!”)
The Volkswagon Rabbit comes in at number 1. Here’s how we’d primp that ride:
For the exterior, Candy White
A pleasantly stained hue. Like your anus between the first and second bleachings.
Barracuda Bike Holder
You don’t bike in real life, but you do on Craigslist, so why shouldn’t your car reflect that?
‘Tangi’ 16″ rims
Because the best rimjobs are tangy.
Air out the stench amyl nitrate while driving to pick up your mom from the airport.
Rear Side Airbags
Booty bump! Meth not included. (Which is bullshit.)
The Scion didn’t make the list. That’s wack. Primp your Scion with these custom features:
For the exterior, Black Sand Pearl sounds like something that Liza Minelli might pick up in Capri. But ultimately we have to advise on the lisp-worthy “Sizzling Crimson.”
Auto Dimming Mirror
Because we look best in low light.
Because no one puts their hands to better use than we do.
Front Strut Tie Bar
Sounds like a Guppie watering hole in Chelsea, so we’ll take it.
Rear Lip Spoiler
Also known as Herpes. Skip it.
The Saab 9-3 is seventh on the list. Primp that ride:
Lowered Sport-tuned Chassis
We don’t know what a chassis is. Sport-tuned sounds good though; lowered even better.
High-pressure Headlamp Washers
When that stubborn smegma just won’t budge.
It’ll go great with our auburn highlights.
Dual Bright-finish Exhaust Tailpipes
Even though we’ve learned that no matter how clean the pipes, the exhaust is still dirty.
Head restraints for five seats
In case the rufies wear off before you can get them home, those groggy fratboys aren’t going nowhere.
And now, the list:
10. Mazda Mazda3
9. Volvo C30
7. Saab 9-3
5. Audi A3
3. Toyota Yaris
Top Ten Researched Vehicles (Gay Wheels)
A source has leaked details to The Sword about a new fucky fucky extension that will not be beholden to any of Apple's pearl-clutching restrictions.
I don't take sex seriously enough to commit to a Master/slave dynamic, so instead I'll just read this new blog written by a 39-year-old British sub slut named Fang.
1. You know it's a leather orgy when everyone takes a moment between foreplay and fucking so they can put their clothes back on.
When I discovered that a friend of mine trims his chest hair, I told him to think of the children in Africa who have no chest hair to shave in the first place. Now I've found a fur-obsessed Photoshopper who is helming the good fight against body shavers everywhere.
The hypothesis: you can put a shitload of condoms on a dildo. The conclusion: you can put a shitload of condoms on a dildo.