Once again, the resurgence of a semi-regularly trending topic: Within the last few weeks, not one, but two gay porn actors have taken their own lives Zac Stevens first, and very soon after Dimitri Kane.
Let me be honest, first and foremost. I had never heard of these guys before the news of their death. The gay porn industry is a far reaching, globally operational force, and there are thousands of guys who have, at least, dabbled in the art of fucking on camera. Some names are farther reaching than others, of course, depending on a number of factors. Big studios vs. small studios, exclusive contracts vs. free agents, condom vs. bareback, vanilla vs. kink, etc., and all the gray area in between.
…and we have all been watching for decades.
I have read the comments under the Queerty and Str8upGayPorn posts announcing the deaths of these men. And it’s kind of nuts: There is still such an element of hate for the men who commit their bodies to the internet for your viewing pleasure. An attitude of, “Well, what do you expect when you go into porn?” Like porn and drug use go hand in hand, like porn is the self-destructive gateway act of self-loathing, lost gay boys who have nothing else though the industry is no stranger to lost boys, they’re fewer than you may think.
My first thought was to admonish this kind of commenter talk and blame consumers of porn for fueling these fires of negativity, but I know that oftentimes there is truth to these judgments. But why is there so little support or sympathy among porn fans for the sometimes troubled lives performers lead? Is it that putting sexuality on display is still seen as an inherently self-destructive, shameful thing, and anyone who dabbles in it deserves whatever self-hate they feel? Isn’t it possible, too, that reading negative comments and tweets about oneself could push someone in the industry over the edge if he’s already emotionally unstable?
Chemical, clinical depression enters the lives of many people, and the gay community has had a long love affair with substance abuse that extends well beyond the world of sex work and porn. (In the case of Arpad Miklos, who took his own life in 2013 at age 45, depression appeared to be the main culprit.) It’s natural, though, for those left alive to want to distance themselves from a suicide and believe they could never get so low themselves.
Part of my own goal in doing porn, and especially in writing about it, is to share with readers the fact that there is so much more going on with some of us, and so much more going on in our heads when we tread these uncertain territories, than just getting off and making a buck. It’s a scary thing deciding to do porn, and if you don’t have the emotional wherewithal to handle what often comes with the territory, you are going to have a rough time.
And no, again, I don’t mean drug use. What I mean by “what comes with the territory” includes this weird cross-section of the scrutiny of strangers paired with their hungry, lustful eyes, waiting for what more you can give them. I mean this shame that comes with baring one’s sexuality and body to the world and getting not much more than a paycheck for it. I mean this constant feeling of “Am I ever going to be good enough for some of these people?” Or even “Am I doing it right?”
There are many reasons one may choose to try porn. To make a blanket statement about a need for validation is not enough, because we all can use validation once in a while. I’d be stupid not to admit that. What I have learned in the past three years, however, is that there is much more to it than simple ego-stroking with some performers.
The validation doesn’t come with merely the commitment of one’s sexualized image to film and photo (and the all powerful internet). The emotions around sex work can get complex. I have watched performers fall apart on set because they feel like they are not being given enough attention from crew members and production coordinators, let alone their scene partner. Crippling insecurity is not a good look for anyone, let alone someone in the sex work business it rears its head in very nasty and sometimes scary ways. Especially when it comes from young, lost boys who feel they have nowhere to go but to sex work, or from aging porn actors who may feel there is nothing left when their shelf life has come to an end.
There is also a HUGE network of support around the industry of gay porn, so I’m not going to sit here and say this work is always difficult and surrounded by negative bullshit. The bigger picture issue here whether it’s between performers, on or off set, or coming from commenters and consumers is that the gay community has a sad tendency of always wanting to tear each other down.
Some of the comments I have seen are absolutely despicable, but some of the talk I’ve heard on sets about other performers is just as damaging and mean-spirited. And it’s people in the industry, often, who gleefully take part in these Twitter wars and verbal massacres of each other, so everyone is guilty here.
One day, this country’s Puritan view on sexual openness and exploration is going to change. It is changing. The people who mistreat performers (whether within or outside of the industry) are only projecting their own views on sexuality and the sex work industry when they do so. Jealousy is too small a word to describe the insidiousness of what can happen in the porn world.
On my Titan set this week, I learned a very valuable lesson after long discussions with the production team about what we’ve experienced with certain performers: Do NOT get into porn to “get right.” It will not make you happy. Go into it knowing who you are and what you want, and it will be a much more pleasant experience. If this reaches even one hopeful performer, to prevent them from the disappointment that may come, I will be happy. Porn is not worth it if it isn’t bringing you joy.
Suicide is not fucking funny. And it’s not fair. And it’s not the answer. If the industry is toxic for you, then find a way out. I feel for these performers, and their families and friends, and I want all my brothers and sisters in the industry to know that if they need someone to talk to, we are here and we are listening. Reach out to someone.
RIP, to all the men who have taken their own lives in recent years. Here’s a shoutout to Arpad Miklos, who was one of my favorites, and who I thought was so brave to be a part of this beautiful project, just months before ending his own life.
All previous Rites of Ass-age columns.
Previously: 25-YEAR-OLD TWINK MODEL ZAC STEVENS IS DEAD
“IT ALL MAKES FOR A SECRETIVE, ISOLATING CAREER…”
NO, THE GAY PORN INDUSTRY DID NOT KILL ARPAD MIKLOS
R.I.P: GAY PORN STAR WILFRIED KNIGHT DEAD AT 35
I’m not in this field but just a viewer. Sadly gay men can be vicious especially about “looks.” Read any gay personal ad profile and it’s extremely common to read “must be vgl, must be height & weight proportional, must be fit, no fatties, no one over 30” So if this is the non-porn world just imagine the porn world where your lively hood is based ON your looks alone! Anyone with history of depression, anxiety, body dysmorphic, insecure will have an emotional melt down. I’ve read blogs where viewers say horrendous things about performers looks ( jealousy is probably behind it) and imagine if a performer reads that? Who would not feel extremely insecure? Bottom line, gay men need to be more compassionate understanding and supportive of each other but it’s not happening – the gay world sadly has turned into a superficial empty veneer full of narcissists.
I was thinking recently about Joey Stephano, Kyle McKenna, Jon Vincent, Eric Rhodes and on and on. Sad such a waste. I see, no names some well know gay porn stars heading down the same path. One on twitter keeps having a meltdown. I look into their backgrounds and see very troubled men with sad childhoods. There is always the exception but the most part this is true. So I think why do they enter into that life.? It’s too many variables to come up with one reason why. I just wish they would realize how much they are loved, needed, cherished and wanted. Just the person they are. Not because they make gay adult videos.
Well done, Adam.
On-camera work be it on the adult side or legit can be tough. It is rarely what one expects, and can be toxic to anyone with depressive issues.
Anytime you shoot a scene ( at least with the better firms like Falcon Group, Titan, Cocky Boys, Lucas) you have hair, make-up ,flattering lighting and great angles. It can be hard to live up to one’s on-screen look or persona.
In the adult arena, it is magnified, in a way – so MUCH is based strictly on your “look”. Out of favor or not, I think plot-driven shoots can give the performer a bit of confidence.
With regret, depression, and sadder yet, suicides are not un-heard of in any industry. MOST people survive, and in many cases prosper after on-camera work. It is simplistic to “blame” adult work, or vilify those who work in the industry.
Terrific reporting, Adam.
Spot on Adam, thanks for writing this very truthful take on this subject, the industry and peoples perceptions. I had the great pleasure to work with very closely with Wilfried Knight and Arpad Miklos over the years. I shot Wilfried Knights first scene in the business and worked with him over the next eight years until his death. They both were really truly wonderful people, who had great personal struggles outside the realms of this business. We do need to remember that these performers are people first and foremost, who have loved ones, feeling, emotions, and troubles like we all do. We should consider compassion before judgment.
How sad.
I find it interesting that the negative commenters (haters) will make ASSumptions that the guy committed suicide because when he got into porn that led to drugs and other bad stuff. Well if they dislike porn so much what the hell are they doing on a gay porn blog reading about it and then commenting about it? Hypocrits!
Correlation isn’t causation. Think about it rather than writing self serving op-eds, Adam.
I suspect many/most of the ppl who leave those nasty/negative comments at the various blogs don’t even consume porn. They’re only in it for the judgments and stone-throwing. It’s sad.
I like what you’ve had to say here – especially pointing out the support available w/in the porn community.
Wise words, Adam! It’s so easy to judge and condemn. By watching porn, we enter a fantasy made possible by hard working men. That fantasy is the only part of our business. We don’t know what’s going on in the real life of these guys. So if they see no other way than to end their lives, it’s ignorant to make rude comments. If you wanna comment, pay respects and remember the wonderful times they gave us;