And now, the third installment in Adam Ramzi’s ongoing column about the life, and inner life, of a modern-day porn star.
One of my favorite moments in the past year while on set came while having a heart-to-heart with my porn dad, Bruno Bond. Bruno’s worked with me as director on a number of scenes, and we were talking about how we both prefer when actors in a scene actually have chemistry, enough so that the connection makes the scene sizzle. He recognized that I was having a string of good luck with my first few scene partners, and vocalized how he’d noticed that there was a hump all actors get over, after their first four to six scenes, when they realize they are going to sometimes get paired with scene partners they are not so into.
It clicked during this conversation, and he nailed it it was about four to six scenes into my porn career that I realized I had not only hoped but actually expected that making porn was about sexy guys establishing chemistry and then translating that chemistry in front of the camera. I expected it to be real, at least to some degree. And I thought I needed it to be real every time I filmed a scene.
Having experienced at least one scene with a partner I was not attracted to and felt no connection to, and another in which I recognized that my scene partner’s work was, in fact, just a performance, I decided at some point that I really only wanted to be in scenes with people I connected to. It was a bullshit decision, but we’ll get to that later.
I was offered a scene for Falcon Edge with a performer whom I tenuously knew through various L.A. circles. He’d been in the business a while. And I found him incredibly sexy. And I remembered those few times when the fucker would just stare blankly at my face every time I RE-introduced myself to him in social settings. So when I was offered this scene, clearly some stuff came up. My vulnerable, self-sabotaging… stuff.
Thinking about this offer and sort of getting the willies about it, I decided to write to this scene partner on Facebook. I asked him what he thought about this offer, and wanted to make sure that he was into it before making a commitment.
He made a few awkward remarks before basically telling me that he wasn’t usually all that “into” any of his scene partners, about 75 percent of the time. I knew what it meant, and that kind of ended the conversation.
Here I was, thinking I was making this noble gesture, not only protecting myself from any damage to my ego but also heroically protecting the art of porn itself, and this guy basically said that I was barking up the wrong tree. The worst part is, he was right. I overstepped a boundary, and walked away from it with my tail between my legs. I spoke with Adam who does the talent booking, and he gingerly as he could, bless his heart, let me know that this scene would not be happening and I should stay tuned for further instructions.
Feeling quite the dumbass, I knew that I had to shrug it off and not let it bother me. Adam was helpful in making me feel better about it, and then I reminded myself that I didn’t know this guy nor should I care much, so I could move forward and just wait for the next casting. I also pep-talked my way out of thinking that every porn scene had to MEAN something. Sometimes, in this business, we get cast with people we have no interest in, and we put on our bad-boy hats and make it look sexy, because that’s really what we are hired for.
…And that’s when I was given the gift of the Sean Zevran scene. Sean was just signed as the first Falcon Edge exclusive, and I was to be his first scene partner in a flip scene. I came to it knowing very little about him all I knew was that he was new to the company, was very sexy, and that the scene was going to be filmed by Nick Foxx, who I’d known in and out of the L.A. and S.F. scenes over the years, and with whom I’d spoken to briefly about his plans as an upcoming director. I liked Nick’s view of filming, and looked forward to working with him. My plan was to just show up and kick ass, however it went down.
Sean ended up reminding me of a boy I’d dated years back not so much physically, but more in the mischief in his smile. I’ve always liked a brat, and Sean was definitely a brat. Confident, sexy, funny and smart as hell (love when this happens), and with an approach to filming that was about fun first.
As filming began, I couldn’t tell if the chemistry we had created was “real” or “fake,” but it didn’t matter, because what I did know was that it was WORKING. The scene moved smoothly, and I have since watched clips of it and can tell that I am truly enjoying myself because of the way I sucked his dick, the way I ate his ass, the impromptu upside down kiss… it all came from a real place, whether there was any meaning or not.
Shooting this scene wasn’t about whether the chemistry was real or fake. It was fun, like sex should be. And now I have a much better understanding of how to be a professional in this industry. Scenes will not always go the way you want them to, and that’s okay, too. It is work, after all.
P.S. If you have any questions, feel free to comment and I will try and loop in some answers into future posts.