Selections from The Sword 100

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“But I didn’t even do anything this year.” He sighs, pencils in the photo shoot. This year’s theme (double yawn): Old Hollywood.

In case you don’t read the other gay blogs (we try not to), or you haven’t passed a gay ghetto newsstand, you may not have heard that the OUT 100 was “leaked” yesterday. They’re calling it their “unashamedly subjective list of the gay men and women who moved culture — ours and the culture at large — over the past year.” Rachel Maddow is the big lez covergirl, and the usual suspects are all there (George Takai, Luke McFarlane, poor Sir Ian) and suffice it to say it bores us more than life.  We decided to make our own (also extremely biased) list this year as an alternative to the stale old tarts you might find on the other list. Our criteria was a little bit different however, we decided to focus only on the gay men (and one woman) who moved The Sword. It’s so much more interesting to us that way! Below are some random selections from our far superior list.

#31  -  Tamechi, a.k.a The Country Tranny

A web wunderkind without whom 2008 would have been a little less groundbreaking, and a lot less special.  Tamechi hails from North Carolina and claims sole design responsibility for “the legendary baggy pants worn by M.C. Hammer.”  To us, she will always be this amazing country tranny and singer of the new classic, “Poak Chops,” who is clearly embraced by her semi-rural community (most of whom appear in this video). Shake them ham hocks, girl. You’re just a country dream.

#14  -  Erik Rhodes

He says “fuck” a lot, he’s essentially addicted to GHB, he cavorts regularly with the rich and famous and when he finds a bag of coke on the sidewalk, he knows that it’s because God is his homeboy. But after all is said and done, Erik is most simply and purely our favorite actor and our hulking hero. He gives depressive druggy porn stars everywhere a good name. For that, the world owes him a tremendous debt.

Watch him say “fuck” a lot and do some fucking in Afterparty on Nakedsword.

#63  -  Big Willy Style

Wait a minute, you say. Will Smith is still in the closet. Why should he, of all people, wind up on a top 100 gay people list of such  renowned integrity? Um, maybe because he’s really famous and has a career to think about, smarty-pants! Think about it: You’re offered a script for a movie that’s likely to gross over 300 million dollars at the box office, or a lame People Magazine cover saying “Yep! I’m Gay!”  Which do you take? Millions of bajillions of dollars, or the shitty People cover. Millions, shitty cover. So let’s stop casting stones. After all, the Fresh Prince did bulk up and take his shirt off a lot this year. His body looks smoking hot and he’s basically been outed in the coolest way possible. Leave Willy alone!

#28  -  Hedda Lettuce

Fresh off her revolutionary Project Runway appearance earlier this season (after which her name became a repeated punchline as an alternative phrasing of “total bitch”), Hedda Lettuce is huger than ever! She may not have won the presidency, but she still knows how to teach us a lesson about personal hygiene. She’s like the tranny Omarosa and Martha Stewart! She’s kind of also our own personal Hillary, which is important to point out because it will make Hedda completely livid.

#2  -  Onch

Dear Onch,
Paris Hilton didn’t want to be your BFF. We think that is so like, unfair and embarrassing for you. Seriously! But when we said we’d take you as our BFF instead, we meant it. So basically stay forever young, call us anytime, beware of fake bitches, and don’t be a slut. TTY LATER!

 

 

#44  -  Lindsay Lohan

Much like her dad (#37), Lindsay brings grace and style to everything she does. You can just imagine how excited we were, then, when she decided to pretend to be a lesbian this year. Sure, her career is in the toilet. Okay, so she looks a little bit tired. Yeah, we know she can be bossy. But basically, girls who pretend to be lesbians in order to be popular, just like in high school, are always our favorite ones. It’s probably because we all know that she still needs the dick, and because real lesbians are totally against science (which makes them aliens).

#90  -  Miss Jay

If it weren’t for a certain silver-haired, obnoxious, pec-implanted cohort Miss Jay would be the only Jay in the alphabet, and the strongest black woman on television since Oprah. However, her reliance on the other Jay and continued subjugation under the reigning dictator known as Tyra Banks puts her in the bottom ten. See, on the Sword 100, honorees below the 40 mark are basically here to be insulted. We just don’t like that many people!  Okay, so maybe Miss Jay has that something special that none of these other honorees have, and it’s LEGS LEGS LEGS! Maybe one day he’ll teach us how to walk and we’ll finally have the courage to leave the office.

 

 

#25 – Tie: Zac Efron/Chace Crawford

They’ve redefined our understanding of the word ‘twink,’ and in the process they’ve grown into such eligible little men right before our eyes. We can’t wait for their beards to grow in, or for their real-life ‘bromance‘ to be made public.  In the meantime, we will settle for occasional glimpses into Chace’s reading habits, and music videos in which Zac fags out on golf courses to a house-y beat.
 
 
 

 

#19 – John Roberts

His Christmas Tree really made our holiday season, and the follow-ups Phone Call, Jackie and Debra and Mother’s Day truly redefined the tranny-Youtube-comedic-short film genre.  In short, he is a brilliant channeler of all things middle-class and Long Island, not to mention the bitchy, talky nature of female relationships.

 

 

 

 

#37 – RJ Danvers

It’s been a big year for RJ.  The ambitious, voracious young bottom has already been fucked hard by Damien Crosse, tried his hand at mainstream modeling, been fucked hard by Logan McCree in The Drifter, showed us his joystick, had his throat slit in perhaps the most violent shot in a very violent new porn film. Also, in stark contrast to fellow bottoms Zac and Chace, he’s been shaving since the 5th grade.

 

Watch him in Hotter Than Hell on NakedSword.

 

 

#8 – La Pequeña

Her Amy Winehouse touched us. Her Hillary Clinton was a subversive, mesmerizing call to action, and her sign-off at the end of primary season was equally effective (“Fuck you Obama!”). Finally, her Sarah Palin rounded out a stellar year of nonsequitor YouTubery the likes of which no other Chilean midget tranny has even come close to outdoing. She is a brightly shining addition to the constellation of internet stars, and we salute her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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