Major studio marketing execs seem to be really stepping outside the box on their new sexed up campaigns, and, being professionals at this type of thing, we’ve got a few handy suggestions for the people promoting the rest of the Summer’s forthcoming flicks. After the jump, check out our ideas for some promotional tie-ins that we think will make this season shine.
The Incredible Hulk
In theaters June 13, 2008.
Promotion: Go green with a specially branded hulking Cannon Butt Plug!
Why: Because sometimes when the Hulk shows up, despite all the rage and violence he’s kind of a hottie! If we were to see his monster schlong it would probably be about the size of a cannon, which makes this accessory the perfect way to wrap up a night at the local cinema. First you IMAX, then you max yourself out!
In theaters June 27, 2008.
Promotion: Who needs a man when you’ve got machinery? Get robotic with the Joy Rider Fuck Machine!
Why: After being in a movie theater with all those screaming babies, you’re going to need a bit of stress relief. Sustain the emotion brought out by that little man-made robot with your very own, only this one has a fun moving boner attached. Let Wall-E find his way into your heart, and Joy Rider find its way into your asshole.
The Dark Knight
In theaters July 18, 2008.
Promotion: For a really dark night, become the Dark Knight… by hanging upside-down in this neoprene body stocking!
Why: Because we all want to be Batman, so why not be him while getting dominated by a sexy Joker in a creepy clown costume in a dungeon somewhere in the SOMA?
Kung Fu Panda
In theaters today.
Promotion: Treat the kids to a lovable, bouncy, furry bear on the big screen, then treat yourself to a fuckable, bouncy, furry man in a bear costume online at PlushieSchwartz.com!
Why: Because, much like a 3-D animated film that involves Jack Black, it’s funny, retarded, and kind of pointless.
In theaters July 18, 2008.
Promotion: Is some lame fag dragging you to go see Mamma Mia: The Movie? Fear not! With this handy-dandy sensory deprivation mask, you can tune out this piece-of-shit movie and pretend to be invisible!
Why: See above.
The Love Guru
In theaters June 20, 2008.
Promotion: Why go see that movie The Love Guru when you can just take a bunch of viagra and roofie yourself instead?
Why: Because, while we appreciate the attempt, Mike Myers has overstayed his welcome. Also, this drug cocktail will earn you some love from a whole new creepy long-haired guy with a mustache and it won’t seem as obvious nor redundant.
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2
In theaters August 6, 2008
Promotion: Here, why don’t you just chop your dick off with this cigar cutter?
Why: Because no man, no matter how gay nor rural, should be caught dead at this horrendous Chicken Soup for the Soul-eating vagina festival.
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