[Editor’s Note: In this very special edition of The Sword’s Sexy Summer Q&A, we’re mixing things up and turning the “A” over to our wildly popular guest contributor, straight porn superstar Van Nailen! Got a question for Van? Feel free to submit to him using the “tips” link above!]
Hey guys, Van Nailen here. If you don’t like my advice, tough shit.
Q: Dear Van,
Hey Van. Like you, I’m a straight guy with good looks, great personality, a huge dick, and a “take no prisoners” attitude. Unlike you, however, I’ve been working in gay porn for the past few years. And while, again, I’ve always been 100% straight, lately I’ve been feeling like I might be turning gay. For example, the other day I accidentally prematurely ejaculated while my scene partner was pounding me, and I wasn’t even looking at the straight porn playing on the laptop off camera. What’s worse, he felt so good inside of me that I made him lean over and kiss me while I was cumming. Could it be that sucking cock and getting fucked in the ass for the past three years has actually transformed me into a fag? And if so, what can I do to go back to normal?
Not A Hetero, Not Yet A Homo
A: Dear Fag,
First of all, you dug your own grave when you decided to do gay porn, so you won’t be getting any sympathy from me. Second, you’re fucked. This is exactly how the queers work. They rope you in with faggy promises like money and fame and fancy parties, but their agenda is always the same, and that’s to convert you into being a pole-smoking, card-carrying homosexual. Hope it was worth it. The only way out now is to maybe try one of those ex-gay conversion therapists, but those guys are all flaming faggots, too, so…
Good luck, fruit.
Hello. I’m the head of a fairly well-known gay porn studio, and ever since we started producing content over five years ago, we’ve had our models use condoms and practice safe sex. However, due to the current state of the economy and some of the practices of other studios lately, I think it might be time to start filming scenes without condoms in order to compete. What’s the most responsible way to go about filming bareback gay porn while keeping my models safe and disease-free at the same time?
Is $afe $ex $till $exy?
A: Dear Pussy,
First of all, grow a pair and ditch the condoms. Everyone knows that you can’t feel shit if you’ve got a rubber on your pecker, and as much as I don’t give two flying fucks about your homo actors, I at least can have the compassion to say that a man (even a queer) is entitled to sex that feels good. Second, what responsibility is it of yours to keep your models “safe”? You’re just the one hiring them, filming them blowing their loads up into each other’s assholes, marketing them as slutty raw cum pigs, and then collecting revenue from the sales of their performances as quickly as you can before the government pansies start imposing their faggy “condom” laws. You’re a gay porn studio, not a healthcare provider! Let somebody else worry about all your dumb gay diseases (which, thankfully, don’t affect us in straight porn, where we proudly don’t use condoms).
Good luck, Mary.