With Labor Day weekend now behind us, it’s time to officially say goodbye to summer! Unfortunately, it’s also time to say goodbye to The Sword’s most popular summer contributors: Garrett Michaels, Brittney Bunny, Van Nailen and, Chelsea! (Note: Despite being fired, Chelsea has made amends with The Sword and has been invited back one last time.) And what better way to see everyone off than to have each of them take a question in the final post of The Sword’s Sexy Summer Q&A?!
Q: Dear Garrett,
I want to become a male model and gay porn star like you, but I’m worried that the blogs will say mean things about me. How do you handle the negative and unethical bloggers? Also, what do you do to stay in such great shape?
A: Dear Gene,
Handling the negative and unethical bloggers is a task I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. That’s why I only read blogs that post positive blog entries and positive blog comments. It is unethical to allow so-called “free speech” in the form of negative blog comments, and all those bloggers who do should be banned from blogging. Also, given the negative experience I had with a certain blogger who became sexually obsessed with me, I only read blogs that are written by other straight men or lesbian bloggers; that way there is no room for sexual attraction (though I do worry about converting some of those lesbos). Thanks for your question, and thanks for pointing out that I am in such great shape. What can I say? It isn’t easy, but someone’s gotta do it. –Garrett
Q: Dear Brittney,
I’m an HIV-positive gay porn star who wants to work in safe-sex gay porn with condoms (I hate bareback and think it’s unethical), but so many of the studios require mandatory STD testing now and won’t cast HIV-positive models. Isn’t it discrimination to not hire me because of my HIV status?
A: Dear AIDS,
Yeah, it probably is discrimination, but I’m not a lawyer so I can’t be sure. Anyways, they don’t really check the STD tests in straight porn, so maybe you should stop being gay and just work in straight porn. Also, maybe if you weren’t having unprotected homosexual sex you wouldn’t have gotten AIDS in the first place? Gotcha.
Like my tits? –Brittney
Q: Dear Mr. Van Nailen,
Hey Van. I’m a huge fan. I’m about to launch my own gay porn membership site, RealHighPerformanceBeachBoysInDenial.org. Given your entrepreneurial spirit and success in the adult industry, I was wondering if you had any advice for me on how to own and operate an ethical gay adult business?
A: Dear Queer,
More than likely your site will fail, but that doesn’t mean you can’t milk as much money out of as many of your gullible fans as possible in the few weeks before the whole thing crashes and burns. Charge as much as you can (start with at least $40 per month and maybe 3-day trials for $20, but don’t be afraid to “accidentally” re-bill the cheapskates who don’t sign up for recurring memberships), slap up some 3rd party webcam affiliate ads on every page, and only hire desperate models who will work for pennies because they can’t get work anywhere else (e.g., the model in the question above). Also, set up a “Go Fund Me” page for some sort of vague yet “important” side project to supplement your income once the site goes down due to unpaid web hosting bills, model lawsuits, or a government investigation due to improper record keeping, whichever comes first. Good luck, faggot.
Q: Dear Chelsea,
Like you, I’m an up-and-coming female blogger who loves gay porn. How can I get people to take me seriously as an ethcial blogger and not just some “superfan” or crazy stalker of gay porn stars? Also, what have you been doing since you left The Sword?
Hey baby girl! Thanks for writing. Since The Sword unfairly fired me for simply trying to be an honest and forthright blogger, I’ve been focusing on my studies and doing a ton of Zumba. While some have come and tried to replicate my success, no one will ever compare. Sorry, bitches! As far as blogging goes, I’ve found that in this business, the best way to get people to take you seriously is to tell them exactly what they want to hear. Hugs & kisses! xox