There are many reasons why we thank God daily for making us fags. We don’t have to deal with crazy bitches, for example, or crocheted urethras or broken dicks from stupid Jamaican dance fads. Thanks to The Stranger, now we have even more evidence that gay people are better.
In a piece called “My Kinky Normal Life,” Dan Savage responds to the inane ramblings of Oklahoma State Representative Sally Kern, who says that homosexuals are a menace whose disturbing behavior will be the downfall of society. The gay establishment would normally respond by saying that gay people are normal, too! But Dan has a different retort for the fundies:
Instead of pointing to our homemade peanut-butter cookies when the likes of Sally Kern level charges of sexual “depravity,” we should point to our cookies and our occasional wild weekends, to our family values and our sexual adventures. We can have our homemade peanut-butter cookies and our commitments and IML. And in that way we are superior.
Fellow Stranger writer Dominic Holden agrees, pointing to the “human vending machine” that is Craigslist:
I just got laid. And you know what? I could get laid again right now if I wanted to. And it’s not as if I’m particularly good-looking or dating someone with an elevated libido—or dating anyone right now. It’s that I’m gay.
Another writer praises the Lord for the gift of group sex. When our straight guy friends talk about threesomes as though they’re unicorns, we feel bad for them because, well, we’re having a threesome right now.
The next best thing about group sex…is that it is almost entirely homo-exclusive… Mostly what masquerades as “group sex” in Straight America are just the sporadic wrestlings of porky Star-Trek Wiccans trying to merge like horny water beds. And that’s not what we’re talking about at all. Or at least, I hope it’s not. Eat your breedy little hearts out, suckers!
Of course, there are advantages to being straight. They don’t have to worry about HIV as much and they don’t poop out of their fuck-holes. But that’s a small price to pay for a life of sordid sexual fulfillment on the side.
Queer Issue 2009: Shocked and Repelled (The Stranger)
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