Straight People Lead Inferior Lives, And Here’s Why

There are many reasons why we thank God daily for making us fags. We don’t have to deal with crazy bitches, for example, or crocheted urethras or broken dicks from stupid Jamaican dance fads. Thanks to The Stranger, now we have even more evidence that gay people are better.

In a piece called “My Kinky Normal Life,” Dan Savage responds to the inane ramblings of Oklahoma State Representative Sally Kern, who says that homosexuals are a menace whose disturbing behavior will be the downfall of society. The gay establishment would normally respond by saying that gay people are normal, too! But Dan has a different retort for the fundies:

Instead of pointing to our homemade peanut-butter cookies when the likes of Sally Kern level charges of sexual “depravity,” we should point to our cookies and our occasional wild weekends, to our family values and our sexual adventures. We can have our homemade peanut-butter cookies and our commitments and IML. And in that way we are superior.

Fellow Stranger writer Dominic Holden agrees, pointing to the “human vending machine” that is Craigslist:

I just got laid. And you know what? I could get laid again right now if I wanted to. And it’s not as if I’m particularly good-looking or dating someone with an elevated libido—or dating anyone right now. It’s that I’m gay.

Another writer praises the Lord for the gift of group sex. When our straight guy friends talk about threesomes as though they’re unicorns, we feel bad for them because, well, we’re having a threesome right now.

The next best thing about group sex…is that it is almost entirely homo-exclusive… Mostly what masquerades as “group sex” in Straight America are just the sporadic wrestlings of porky Star-Trek Wiccans trying to merge like horny water beds. And that’s not what we’re talking about at all. Or at least, I hope it’s not. Eat your breedy little hearts out, suckers!

Of course, there are advantages to being straight. They don’t have to worry about HIV as much and they don’t poop out of their fuck-holes. But that’s a small price to pay for a life of sordid sexual fulfillment on the side.

RELATED:

When One-Night Stands Go Bad, You Must Be Straight
10 Craigslist-isms That Will Make Us Close Our Browser Window
Dan Savage Launches Bar Dick Investigation

Queer Issue 2009: Shocked and Repelled (The Stranger)


0 thoughts on “Straight People Lead Inferior Lives, And Here’s Why”

  1. Because we are, EVA. We are usually gentler, more sensitive, way less violent, more attuned to beauty,etc. Need I say more?

  2. I think it’s easier for me, a straight female to find sex more than a gay man. But as I am hetero-centric, i understand that you (the writer, a gay man) are gay-centric. Why is it gay men tend to think they are superior than straight men? AND HOW COME YOU CAN HAVE PRIDE, but I can’t???? How come I am DAMN SURE there will be a gay man in the presidents seat than a female? It’s not fair to me. I think it’s kinda messed up. But I love everyone regardless of where they want to stick (or receive) a penis. word up.

  3. Straight people use their poop chutes as fuck holes all the time.

    Straight guys often speak of preferring to fuck their girlfriends up the ass.

    And there’s always the occasional straight guy who likes his girlfriend to lick, finger-bang and dildo fuck his asshole, such as Dutch footballer Stefan Postma, whose home sex video was leaked:

    http://www.flurl.com/video/5440322_comments.htm

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