Mackenzie Pearson penned an article titled “Why Girls Love the Dad Bod” in March, and suddenly every man without a six pack got a little bump in self-esteem. Our friends over at Queerty filled in the blanks with nine other body types but here at The Sword, we are bringing them to you naked.
Bring on the men …
The Dad Bod – Colby Jensen: In the word of the original coiner of the phrase, the Dad Bod is “is a nice balance between a beer gut and working out. The dad bod says, ‘I go to the gym occasionally, but I also drink heavily on the weekends and enjoy eating eight slices of pizza at a time.” In other words, bear-lite but not necessarily lite beer.
The Lumbersexual – Jaxton Wheeler: A muscular man who likes feels the need to hold on to some outdoor based ruggedness, thus opting to maintain a neatly-trimmed beard while often sporting unruly locks.
The Twink – Troy Accola: Tender morsels under the age of 22 or so, slender, with little to no body or facial hair.
The Twunk – Sebastian Hook: Similar to a twink but one that puts their phone down long enough to build some decent muscle … and maybe a tad older.
The Bear – Jesse Jackman: The modern ‘Daddy Bear’ isn’t your Daddy’s bear. He’s still larger, very stereotypically masculine; must be over the age of 35 but the bellies have been donated to the ‘Dad Bods’ in favor of hairy abs.
The Cub – Derek Atlas: With potential for major follicle growth, think of it has the hibernation period before turning 35 and becoming a Bear
The Spornosexual – Topher Di Maggio: Good-looking, sex- and body-obsessed with a high disposable income and who lives in an urban area; the 21st century version of a metrosexual.
The Otter – Jimmy Fanz Thin or athletic, medium build, and hairy; a stepping stone to being part of the larger bear community and an aversion to self-manscaping.
The Wolf – Tommy Defendi: Hairy or semi-hairy, lean, muscular, attractive, and sexually aggressive and/or dominant; usually has facial hair.
The Geek – Will Braun: Attractive, brainy, with a potential to be wonkish and who doesn’t fit neatly into the aforementioned categories.
Which one of these bods would you most like to curl up with at night?
Previously: The 50 Most Popular Gay Porn Stars Working Right Now, By Statistics
There really isn’t any variety in this article.
The dad bod and lumbersexual are more bearish. These new heteronormative terms are annoying.
I’ll give you Colby Jansen as a “Dad bod”, but the others? So, all it takes to be a “geek” is glasses? What separates them from Twunk/spornosexual/twink? Also, remember when “bears” were beer gut bellied men, with tons of hair, a big dick and masculinity that gave you an involuntary reaction to grab your ankles? Jesse Jackman, if anything, is a muscle bear…
OK, call me a Pig or a Slut or whatever – I’ll take them ALL!! Start with Jesse Jackman and work my way through to Twink. Is there enough Crisco?
Jesse Jackman as “bear”? What a joke.
So what happened to actual bears? I’m sure you remember guys with beer guts, black leather, and fat cigars whose obvious masculinity and years of healthy seasoning made you nervous and piqued more than just your interest the first few times you went out to a gay bar. Also where are my personal favorites the Pocket Gay, a powerhouse of sexual energy with a double strength Napoleon complex like Josh Long?
If the “Geek” takes of his glasses and puts down his laptop, he’s basically a “Spornosexual”? This should be gay porn roles, not body types.
In my opinion, lumbersexual = bear = cub = wolf. They’re all the same. Also twink is exactly the same as twunk. And I can’t see the difference between spornosexual and otter.
Finally, why do you need to be labeling people everytime?
What happened to black people? Are they extinguished?
There’s always one of you ready to shit on everything. Since when is “black people” a body type? Moron.
Lol
So, all it takes is a pair of glasses to make you a ‘nerd’ or ‘geek.’ Sadly, more than a few black and latin guys in porn have been cast as ‘thugs.’ It’s all pretty narrow, isn’t it?
Wow. There is so much diversity in this post. Where do poc fall into this?
I was thinking the exact same thing. I’m Latino and I don’t fit into any of those categories, apparently I don’t exist, and neither does any gay man who is not white.
geek is under utilized.
Give me the Guido Topher DiMaggio and the Nerd Will Braun and I’m a happy guy.